Out of gas Oct. 26th, 2007

I have a very bad day!
I have come to the realization that I have to leave the job I love!  I can't pay my bills anymore.  This minimum wage increase in Illinois hurt me bad.  Everything is rising in price, and at one point I was making a few dollars more than the minimum wage, now I am making minimum wage.  I didn't mind not making a lot of money, I don't really enjoy money as everyone else does.  I think it is a curse.  But I do have to keep the roof over my head and food in my stomach.  I also need to take care of the cats, they are helpless animals at my beck and call.  I know they would not survive very long without me, so I am responsible for their well being.  Hell, sometimes they have eaten before I have...
Back to the topic, out of gas!  I am coming to the end of this long voyage I undertook a few years ago.  I feel like getting smashed, but I know it won't solve anything.  I still think about it though to relieve the pressure and make me forget.  Beth weighs on my brain a lot recently also.  I will be 32 in a few weeks, nothing to show for a life either.  Nothing at all, but lots of debt, lots of broken hearts, and lots of misguided attempts at living.
I am out of gas, I don't know how much longer I will be able to sustain my life as it is.  Actually I think I passed the point of no return when I got passed on that promotion at work about a year and a half ago.  I also do not have much time to find a new job.  I get up in the morning on Monday, go to work, then go to school.  I get home around 10:45, then I have to get up at 5:30 the next day and go to two classes on Tues, then straight to work, then I get home around 7:30 PM that night....I wake up Wednesday morning and go to work, then go to class, then get home around 10:45 PM, then get up around 5:30 AM to go to 2 classes, and then straight to work...I crash hard on Thursday nights from fatigue, get up on Friday and go to work...When I get home at 7:30 on Fridays, there is nothing for me to do...No money either.  I have two cats to greet me in a dark apartment.  I put on the coffee pot and open all the various bills that are due at least once a week.  I drink the coffee and contemplate life.  I would like to think I am doing the right thing here by killing myself for an education and a job to cover most of my expenses.  Right now I don't have that feeling.  I ride my mountain bike everywhere I go.  I do about 150 miles a week on a bike!  This is why I am so fatigued and do not have enough time during the week to look for a better job.  Hence the reason 3 years have gone by.
I am not going to cover my November bills on time, and December doesn't look good either.  Things will get a little better in January, but that is so far away right now.  I am seriously done with life today.  The past few weeks have been hell on my sanity.  I just want to give up, but I think if I push myself harder it will work itself out.  Well, I have been doing that for the past 5 years.  Push, gets better, push some more, things get better, Push again, things get better, but I have reached my limits on pushing.  I am spread to thin, I am out of gas...I hear the sputtering in my voice and breath, I feel the extra thump of my heart sometimes that really bothers me.  I am not scared of dying, but this body of mine is failing and yet I push it some more...I got a bill today that pissed me off so much I immediately called them and closed my account.  They tried to give me the usual spiel, and I just starting snapping off about Corporate America and the Government's rules governing creditors.  I am not behind or anything, and the fee was 1.57...Yeah, a buck set me off, this is not me, this is not where I want to be....I cancelled the account!  One less thing to worry about, I don't care if my credit score goes down.  I don't want credit, I don't want to buy a house someday, or a car.  My retirement plans do not include the U.S.A.  They include traveling the world, and I would rather use cash for that...
Out of gas, I know I keep getting of the subject.  All the people that tell me to quit looking for The One because that is when I will find Her!  You are all liars!!!!  I have sat on my laurels for quite some time now, and although patience is a virtue, I am not waiting anymore.  Screw this, I am almost 32, what I am supposed to do find The One when I am 60, enjoy life for a day and have a coronary the next day?  What about the 28 years in between then and now?  What do I do to occupy my time?  I guess I could sit home and play video games, yeah that sounds productive!  I miss Beth.  Hell I miss Karen, Amy, Cathy, Stacy, Katie, Christie, Jenny, Lisa, Tara, Danielle, Joanna, Nicole, Kerry, Carmella, April, Sylvie, Theresa, Diana, Shaunda, Jaime, Heather, etc...The list could go on and on.  I loved everyone of them in some way or another, but only 4 of those women had a huge impact on me.  And yet I can't have any of them.  Why?  I will just say I am a dumbass, that way no blame can put on them, I am in a self-defeating mode right now so I might as well just take all the weight!  I took a break just now and thought about it all, I probably shouldn't write out too much stuff here, I might hurt some feelings!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
My head hurts, I am just out of gas.  My car called life says 'empty' on the dashboard.  I am so damn out of my mind right now.  I can't focus on anything.  I have a busy weekend too, and I shouldn't be all crazy for it.  I guess this is why I am trying to blog.  My ass is kicked, or as John Cusack in Must Love Dogs says, 'Bench Me!'  'I'm Benched' 'Benched!'  Or as the Beatles say, 'you can't keep playing them mind games forever!'
I have been trying to find the music for this feeling today.  And only Rise Against seems to be doing the job.  Well Pink Floyd helped me start this blog, but earlier Rise Against was really bringing me to where I need to be.  Alright so now Jethro Tull is on and I will probably change the tone of this blog.  I love Tull!
My sister just called me, I offered my job to her.  I am going to be leaving Triton, like I said.  But she still goes to school there so maybe I can give the job to her.  I know my boss will take my recommendation, so she would be a shoe-in.  She is not sure, but whatever.
I am out of gas like I keep saying.  I have exceeded expectations.  Now I feel like I have reached the plateau and started the roll back downhill.  I need to stop this downward spiral as Trent Reznor would say.  I have a hole in my head!  I am thinking maybe I move sooner than later.  I can pick up some summer classes next summer and graduate early and just bounce a year earlier than I had planned.  I am tired of Chicago.  I love this city and the music and the people, but I can't stand the weather, and I want to get back to traveling.  I am in a tough spot...I need to get a refill on the coffee, I will be back in a second...
New thought, I realized today that I have few friends in my new network.  Brandon and Steph that is it.  Jenni got married recently, and I guess everyone is pissed at how I handled the Mario situation.  I didn't get an invite.  Adam's wedding is in 2 weeks, and I am not invited to that either.  I guess they chose Mario over me.  I told them to not choose, but I did what I thought was right for me.  Fuck em, They are out of the will!  I disown the lot of 'em!  I will be deleting Jenni when I finish writing this blog.  I guess that is the story of my life.  I traveled and moved all my life.  I made friends wherever I went, and yet very few of them are still around.  VERY FEW!!!  I know thousands of people and only handful are around.  And I do try to stay in touch, I don't expect them to contact me, I am not that conceited.  These things I say only about people whom I have continuously contacted but no response from them is ever seen or heard!  Many people know me, but they don't really KNOW me!  I have no trouble cutting strings.  I would venture to say that in 2 years, I will be in a new place, making new friends, thinking about this shit all over again.  I love everyone, I don't hate anyone, I am not pissed at anyone, but I can also just set them free if that is what they want.  I do not need anyone but myself and a great woman whom I have yet to find.  I have found some good ones, but I guess it just wasn't the right time.
Out of gas, I am spiritual, and I believe in what I believe in.  Some people call it God, others say Mother Earth, I call it Me!  Not me in the sense that I am God.  I am spiritual and my view is that God died a long time ago.  I think he existed at one time, but he had a life span just like all things in the universe.  The Old Testament tells story of a vengeful God.  Then the New Testament has a new Loving God.  What happened to the God of old?  The plagues, and the fire, and the floods?  What happened to that God?  I say he died, but left all the universe as it was.  I believe in spirits and those that die here stay here in some manner.  I think my Grandfather's are still hanging around.  I know Beth visits me sometimes, she comes to me in my dreams.  She talks to me around her birthday and the anniversary of her death.  I feel the presence of those that have died.  I know they still walk this plain of existence in some sense.  Those are the people I pray too, but I don't consider it praying because I talk to the dead.  They don't answer back verbally, but they do answer me and my requests and questions.  I know this is all sounds crazy but it is what I believe, and who am I to tell someone their beliefs are wrong?  I don't say that to people.  I feel if someone believes in something; no matter what it is; then they are right.  I just feel that I am right also.  Remember?  I don't judge others!
So, this is where I stand today.  I am all fucked up, I have some fucked up thoughts, and I am about to be unemployed soon by my own doing.  I think I am heading into a new realm of existence and it is scary but I feel it is right.  I am out of gas for now.  I need to change direction and hopefully find a gas station where I can fill up, because the direction I have been heading is not panning out!  Anyway, I am not going to do something stupid, I think about it, but I am not going to do it.  Just isn't in the cards anymore.  I am not 15, I don't have many chances to fix my fuck ups if I do decide too.  I think life is just a joke, and I don't want to spread any blasphemous rumors but I think God will be laughing when I die!  So will I for that matter because I will get see that angelic face I miss so much...and that face is not God I speak of, I miss you baby girl...Nothing but love mama, nothing but love!!!