Some more poems if you can handle them. Dec. 31st, 2006

Sometimes
Life is strange sometimes the way we live
I've got energy to use but none to give
Money came with such ease but great sorrow
I loved yesterday, hate today, and I'm scared of tomorrow
So I feel my spirit growing stronger here
This place called recovery releasing my fear
Instead of energy now I have love to give
Life is strange sometimes the way we live.

Untitled
Peaches and cream tasted so sweet
Wondering and dreaming on my two feet
My sorrow and pain runs very deep
I can't complain though I built this heap
Of garbage and damage I put on my soul
I thought it was my game I could throw
There was no wondering where I would end up
Except this empty feeling I've built up
Tomorrow I look forward to the sunrise
My Father in Heaven has a surprise
That I may be eternally saved from hell
And maybe get back what I did sell
For my soul I thought was worthless
Which my sins I am willing to confess.

Untitled
My heart was open once before
Beyond dreams of light and pain and sorrow
My being a man and having a woman was good
Somewhere I lost touch with that self
The one who could control any situation
No matter how small or big my problems were
I only wish I can find the love I once had
And share it with someone who will return it
I need that love to share and receive
I will only be crushed without it
My heart was open once before

Nothing to Fear
The sickness of disease brings pain
Walking through the Valley of Death
I think has driven me insane
An angel appears named Beth
Sucking my last breath of air
I really don't know my fate
Reach out for life, it's so dear
Then comes the Angel's voice from the Pearly Gates
Trust me there is nothing to fear
The sickness of disease brings Death
I open my eyes to a whole new life
So I owe this to an Angel named Beth
My previous life was filled with strife
I tried to escape feelings of sorrow
Then a door opened and I walked in
Don't worry about tomorrow
Can I say I have never committed sin
The sickness of disease brings Me
To a whole new place called Recovery
An Angel named Beth called my name
In return I tried to offer her the same
The sickness of disease has brought me here
Trust me there is nothing to fear

Untitled
Damage control of another level
Not trying to walk or deshovel
The feeling I have of uselessness or tomorrow
Damage control on feelings of sorrow
Sinners and all

Untitled
Pieces of skin falling off at the bone
Didn't know I was dying like this
Forever the world keeps spinning
Tomorrow looks dark and desolate
I feel like the meat that I eat is rotten
I isolate myself because of this disease
I have been on my own for so long
Hunting and flying on nature's simplicity
When I get visits from the world
I don't want them to see me
Rotting like this and dying from the inside
My heart keeps pumping blood to all my limbs
Even though there is no feeling left
I know I only have a day or two left
I can only see the world's dark heart
Wolves and coyotes eating my rotten flesh
Load up the shotgun, find the strength
Use my toe because the barrel is too long
One shot left, do I dare use it Today.
I can't stand the pain anymore
I won't survive the night, So I tell myself
Do what has to be done or else?
'Don't even think about it' comes a voice
I see shadows in the dark
I know it's a dream or a hallucination
I feel a hot breath on my neck
I can't seem to find the strength to go on.
'I said don't do it' comes the voice
'Fuck you, I can't stand it anymore.' I reply
Just load it up and do it.
Bang, I pull the trigger with my big toe.
'Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, I missed' I scream
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I guess I got to live this out.
But the pain
Damage control is such a big issue
Giving the devil his due is nothing new
But giving God credit is something to do
Cause you don't want his wrath on you
I have seen a lot of pain and suffering
Addicts shooting dope not knowing how to cope
Painful memories of long lost friends dying
They searched for bliss but what did they find
                Death's Kiss!!!!

Psychosis is the absence of fear
Courage is going forward in spite of fear
Fears are a deadly thing indeed
Moreover the damage they do
Seeing formations of fear into reality
Damaging your future forever to come
I used to love and dream of a better life
But I am starting to see those fears would happen
Again and again over and over the nightmare continues
I need to show you how to beat it
We could learn from all our mistakes
Learning is great if you want to change.

Untitled
Getting up every morning to face the day
Anger, happiness, fear, remorse, and joy
We have all these emotions with nothing to say
Being around others using you as a toy
We have to overcome and rise
Because today might be the only one
A day to not get mad or despise
Just remember one thing it's only done

Exception to the rule    1-14-04
I shed so many tears long ago,
Now my heart feels warm again
Like a candle has been lit
Comatose for years, too many to count
So now I sit here and wonder why
It took you so long to find me
What is God's plan; I want to know
The answer I will not understand
Why do my thoughts race around you?
I can't explain why other women have no effect
You are an exception to the rule.
I liked being cold as stone.
Misery is comfortable because you know what to expect
Now I am lost, uncertain of a future,
I never cared about tomorrow
Never looked ahead because I cared not.
Now I anticipate it like a dream.
A dream that has me wrapped and wondering.
I can't wake up, that's the problem.
I have no control over my mind to do so.
So I dream, and dream, and dream
The funny thing is, It's not so bad
Because my dreams of you.
A warm light that has seeped through the cracks.
The cracks of aged stone
Stone hearts age too.  Cracks form, and then warmth!

Just for Free       1-14-04
Can you feel my face?
Will you crush my heart?
How do you think?  Like me?
Am I crazy?  Are you?
Questions and answers that mean nothing.
The world spins on; whether I live or die
Does the world feel the pain of death?
I have and thought it was the ending.
The ending of something great
Yet it turned out to be the beginning
The beginning of life, true life
Unlike one I have ever thought possible.
I have aged considerably because of a Spring Day.
One day made me old and frail.
Yet I rebuilt my mind from used parts
Now I have a 'for sale' sign posted.
Are you interested in buying what I'm selling?
Can you afford it?  Is it valuable to you?
It is priceless to me, yet I am willing,
             Willing, Yes; Willing
             To Give it to you; 'FREE'
             Just for 'FREE'