This is for all you well wishers Nov. 15th, 2006

So it is that time of year again.  The wishes come in and the happy birthday messages.  Yes, they come in droves, even though I have told people don't bother.  It is just another year in the life of me.  Who is me?  I know who I am, and some ol' school friends of mine whom I no longer associate with; also have a good idea of how I work.  Am I curious why all the new people in my life still do not understand how I work?
Here are some pointers for all you newbies and oldies.  I am talking to you Jason, Steph, Dianna, Laura, Nicole, Mom, Dad, Andrea, Erica, Fred, (of course the family falls under a different category, but they still try and tell me what I should be doing and how I should do it) also, want to include Theresa, Kurt, Heather, Shunda, and yet there are a few people who I cannot include because they are hopeless romantics at heart like myself.  So here goes...
I am not very religious, and I don't believe in free lunches.  I get what I work for, and I work DAMN HARD for what I believe.  I have always been a dreamer, and my father has told me time and time again, I will not be able to gather any kind of stable life because of my willingness to follow my dreams wholeheartedly.  However, I feel the need to search out every corner of civilization for love.  I dream of things that are not possible in the human realm.  I look into my future and see nothing...  Why because my future is now, and what happens tomorrow is out of my hands.  So today, I am going to search with everything I have at my fingertips to find LOVE.  Love, haha, yeah, laugh, everyone thinks it is so funny that I do what I do.  Well, you know what, I gave up all my vices except for cigarettes, I gave up on many women who loved me.  The only reason being I could not return the love to them in the same way that they deserved.  I deserve my happiness at any price.  If it costs me my life to find this, then so be it, it was never my life anyway.  I went through so many changes over the years, that for a time, I had no idea who I really was, and what purpose I had on this planet.  I drank like a fish for years, I smoked like a chimney, I indulged in keg parties and friendly get-to-togethers every night of the week.  I would go to work hungover thinking about the girl whose name I can't remember.  These are things I do not miss.  The things I do miss is not being able to get to know those women better.  Those women I pushed to the side like they did not exist except for a physical moment in time.  That is not me, it took me years to figure out that I do not want to be stuck in a revolving door of endless sex without meaning.  I want to look into a pair of eyes of the opposite sex and know that my life has not been in vain.  I want to hear the words, 'guess what, we are pregnant.'  Those are things that are important to me.  Love, the unattainable thing for most people in my family.  I have seen the destruction of souls countless times.  I will not be part of that lifestyle, I will not let that happen to me.  There is only one way for me to stop that cycle of chaos.  The only option I have is to SEARCH, and not wait for LOVE to find me.  I am sorry that I am so intense and passionate about what I want.  Others look at me and wonder how I work so hard, and do extra curricular activities that do not pay the bills, yet I still find the time to go out into the world and look for HER.  Like I said those friends I spent endless nights with drinking whiskey and beer, they know me, and yes I left them behind because it is what I needed to do to get back to where I needed to be.  Christian, Jimmy, George, Karen, Derek, Pete, Larry, and all the cats from Jefferson Park, yeah I miss them dearly, and I don't know where they are at, but they know wherever I am; I am doing it intensely.  I am living the only way I know how.  Everyone assumed I would be dead by now, and so did I.  I had that awakening five years ago, and I am thankful for that.  I am not going to just wait for my time to come.  I will be 31 on Monday, and it is a feat that was unimaginable, practically impossible 15 years ago.  Yet here I stand proving everyone wrong yet again.  Well, I got more thing to prove the naysayers wrong with.  I haven't found it yet, but I can feel it, the power in my soul is growing, and my passion and focus is also growing.  So what, I fell unconscious, who cares right?  WRONG!  That was my eye opener, that was my one time to put my life back in order.  I was stopping and settling again.  Cracking my head on the concrete woke me up.  I almost forgot how important today is; not tomorrow, TODAY...
Well, guess what, Today, I am going to do it.  And if I don't finish doing it today, then I hope I have one more chance tomorrow.  That is me, true and true, and that is one part of me that has never changed.  I live in the moment, and I have been for 31 years.  So please save all the 'just relax, you will find what you are looking for' statements for someone else, because I am not the guy who agrees with you.  There are a lot of people who have said this to me in the past two years.  I still love you all, and I am saying any of this to offend anyone, I just want everyone to know, that I will not settle for second best.  I will, however, give my life today to find my happiness.

Thanks for stopping by, and I am glad that people care enough to voice their opinions in my direction.  I want to thank everyone who cares enough to speak to me.

Later