Been a very long while...part 2

What shall we talk about today? I suppose it would be wise to finish, or at least attempt to finish, what I had started the other day. I left off talking about my daughter, so that seems like a good place to start back up. I have to be work later today, but I have an hour or so to kill while I do my laundry for the week. My daughter has given her mother a bit of grief since her conception. I had hoped for a son, but maybe GUS thought better of it because of my reasons for that. I had always felt responsible for my family name since my Great-Grandfather Frank made that trek across the pond in 1926 with my Grandfather Albert, Great Uncle Fred, and my Great Aunt and Great-Grandmother whose names escape me at the moment. My Grandfather was only 3 years old, and during that time the Nazi Party was gaining momentum in Germany. Hitler was to be released from prison around that time, and everyone knows what happened 10 years later. So I was always grateful that my family was able to leave Germany and not have to be a part of the events that took place a decade later.

What does this all mean you ask? Well, I am the last male carrying the Kirschnick name, literally if you count my back, but when I pass on, there is no one left to make that name live on. Now, with today's times, it is possible that my sisters could have a kid that carries my last name. I mean marriages are not a given anymore when having children. Well as you know I am not having a boy. This is not to say that we won't have a boy in the future, but our family does include two boys already. Now I had not gotten into the details in the last blog, but this seems like a good place to do that.

I have gained not only a daughter, but two awesome boys. They are 15 and 11, and they are our sons. I have finally found a place in this world where I fit in. All those years of searching for this place was worth it. These two boys of ours will be good brothers to Madelyn, and they are smart, healthy, well-mannered (at times, depending on the daily changing level of teen angst with the 15 year old) kids to boot. It is a strange turn of events for me to be a dad, but it is exactly what was supposed to happen. My woman and I should be tying the knot after Maddie is born, and as formal as it is on paper, I already consider her to be my wife along with our children being our children.

My wife is someone I have known for over 20 years, not to mention a fellow Scorpion, and our birthdays match up correctly in the stars. You all know how much I believe in the zodiac and the heavens. Anyway, life has changed both of us from what I remember, although I have a hard time remembering what we were exactly like or what transpired back then due to my lifestyle choices. I do remember the long nights her and I spent together talking about nothing and laughing about everything over coffee and cigarettes. That was an awesome time, when you could still smoke indoors, over a coffee mug at a 24 hour truck stop. I had asked her to marry me before Maddie, so this is not a shotgun wedding by any means, and I reinforced that feeling after Maddie was born by formally doing it with the ring. She said yes, and the rest is happily ever after.

I have a lot to learn still about relationships. I have been so used to being selfish over the past 10 years since Beth died. Beth was the last one of my relationships that I gave everything and took nothing. After her death, I did what I wanted when I wanted. I even acted that way in my first marriage with Karen. This situation reminds me of the way I used to be before I got jaded by prison and the suicide. Anyway, I have come a long way over the past 10 1/2 years, and I still don't have all the answers (even if I act like I do). What I do know is that I love my beautiful wife, and my wonderful kids very much. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep this house up and running, them safe and warm, and food on the table. Hence the reason I am working two jobs.

Speaking of the two jobs, I recently was hired at an auto parts store, which turns out is a Corporate America job. Yes, I went corporate. I know I know I know, you don't have to tell me what you are thinking, but the benefits would be good for the kids in the long run. Not to mention, I got the degrees already so I would be able to move up through the ranks very quickly. The problem is that the headquarters are in Missouri, and I doubt my wife is going to want to move there if a higher position opened in the company. At least not in the next 5 years. She has a good job here in the Chicago area, and our kids are comfortable where we live, so it would be difficult to take a promotion to headquarters.

Not to mention, the pay at the moment is not making life perfect. I have had to continue to work my old job, a moving company, just to supplement the income. I know the corporate job will be great in the long run, but the long run doesn't feed the family, or keep the roof over their heads, or heat, etc. I talked to my boss recently because the pay really isn't enough. My wife had told me to not take the job because she things a lot sooner than I do, call it intuition, something I have lost recently...Anyway, I told him either give me a raise, which he couldn't do, or I have to quit. He couldn't give me a raise, so I tried to find a solution. He didn't want me to quit, but his payroll is where it should be per corporate, thus the choice is up to me on the move. So I asked to have my hours cut after the first of the year. I will work 20-25 hours there, wait for the right moment to get a promotion with a pay raise, then return to my full-time status. In the meantime, I am going to work more at the moving company, which is better pay but no benefits. I am an independent contractor there, and if I get hurt on the job, I am pretty much fucked. This was one reason I tried to find an alternate route.

Well, that is what is happening in my life at the moment with work and family. I have a few other things to talk about concerning my job and other stuff that I need to write down at some point, however I have to leave all of that for Part 3 I guess. Well, I hope you are enjoying weekend, and I will catch you on the flipside. Thanks for stopping by!

Been a very long while...part 1

Hello all,

Yes, I am still alive, although at times I have wondered if even reality is my perceived reality, or some sick fuck's cruel dream, with me playing a minor role in it. There has been somewhat of a roller coaster the past few months. Some of you may know and some others may not, but I will get into all the wonderful stuff in a minute. Let me just say that I have not found nirvana through all this living I have done, and my happiness at the moment is totally based on day-to-day events. Yesterday for example, was not a high point in my psychological calendar. So where do I begin? Ah yes, the bad stuff right? That was my usual way of writing blogs over the past decade, but I am going to take a different course and start with the good. This way, I may never even get to the bad, thus allowing me to forget it altogether.

So, I am going to be a daddy. I have, from what I seen, a beautiful baby girl on the way. I think that this may be a cruel joke from the old man upstairs considering my life, and all the women that I have either hurt, hindered, or otherwise hunted over the years. Not to say I purposefully made them trophies, but some may feel that is what they are, which of course in the grand scheme of things is not true. I have always admired beauty, like an art collector. There was never a rhyme or reason for the beauty I saw, I just saw it in many forms.

My daughter's name is going to be Madelyn Rose. I had no part in the naming of her because I was only allowed to name a boy, but since that is not what I created, I was left to the sidelines with only veto power. I believe I used my veto power twice, once for the name Emily, and once for the name Claire (although this conversation took place a while ago, so I may be mistaken). There it is, a beautiful daughter that is due to enter my world on May 19th. I will be a good dad, teacher, mentor, protector, etc. It is exciting because for years I assumed I was sterile. This is not the first time I tried to have a child, and let me say for the record, that she was planned.

Madelyn is by no means an accident. She was conceived after a debate over my return to Hawaii or not. I had chosen to not return to Hawaii, and a week later she was in my life, although it was not confirmed for another four weeks after that. The whole process is interesting, and I am learning a lot. There are a lot of things that I don't like, and bother me considerably. I might be developing an ulcer, or some other stress related ailment, but so far I am not proof positive.

I have quit smoking officially, which also says a lot about my willingness to be a good dad. I know people say you have to want to quit for yourself, but you also need motivators. She and her mother are good motivators. I like knowing that I can prolong my life a little bit to see her grow up, and to grow young with her mother. There are other factors in this nuclear family I helped create, which I will get to soon. Since this has to be a two, maybe three part blog, I will end it here for now. As I have responsibilities to take care of today. It is 7:45 AM, I don't know what it is like to sleep past 6 AM anymore, and I am currently working two jobs and helping raise a family. Life is weird sometimes, especially if I look back only 12 months and see how many changes are afoot.

We shall talk soon I promise, there are many more things to talk about, such as corporate America, relationships, school, first times, and of course more life stuff.