Been a very long while...part 1

Hello all,

Yes, I am still alive, although at times I have wondered if even reality is my perceived reality, or some sick fuck's cruel dream, with me playing a minor role in it. There has been somewhat of a roller coaster the past few months. Some of you may know and some others may not, but I will get into all the wonderful stuff in a minute. Let me just say that I have not found nirvana through all this living I have done, and my happiness at the moment is totally based on day-to-day events. Yesterday for example, was not a high point in my psychological calendar. So where do I begin? Ah yes, the bad stuff right? That was my usual way of writing blogs over the past decade, but I am going to take a different course and start with the good. This way, I may never even get to the bad, thus allowing me to forget it altogether.

So, I am going to be a daddy. I have, from what I seen, a beautiful baby girl on the way. I think that this may be a cruel joke from the old man upstairs considering my life, and all the women that I have either hurt, hindered, or otherwise hunted over the years. Not to say I purposefully made them trophies, but some may feel that is what they are, which of course in the grand scheme of things is not true. I have always admired beauty, like an art collector. There was never a rhyme or reason for the beauty I saw, I just saw it in many forms.

My daughter's name is going to be Madelyn Rose. I had no part in the naming of her because I was only allowed to name a boy, but since that is not what I created, I was left to the sidelines with only veto power. I believe I used my veto power twice, once for the name Emily, and once for the name Claire (although this conversation took place a while ago, so I may be mistaken). There it is, a beautiful daughter that is due to enter my world on May 19th. I will be a good dad, teacher, mentor, protector, etc. It is exciting because for years I assumed I was sterile. This is not the first time I tried to have a child, and let me say for the record, that she was planned.

Madelyn is by no means an accident. She was conceived after a debate over my return to Hawaii or not. I had chosen to not return to Hawaii, and a week later she was in my life, although it was not confirmed for another four weeks after that. The whole process is interesting, and I am learning a lot. There are a lot of things that I don't like, and bother me considerably. I might be developing an ulcer, or some other stress related ailment, but so far I am not proof positive.

I have quit smoking officially, which also says a lot about my willingness to be a good dad. I know people say you have to want to quit for yourself, but you also need motivators. She and her mother are good motivators. I like knowing that I can prolong my life a little bit to see her grow up, and to grow young with her mother. There are other factors in this nuclear family I helped create, which I will get to soon. Since this has to be a two, maybe three part blog, I will end it here for now. As I have responsibilities to take care of today. It is 7:45 AM, I don't know what it is like to sleep past 6 AM anymore, and I am currently working two jobs and helping raise a family. Life is weird sometimes, especially if I look back only 12 months and see how many changes are afoot.

We shall talk soon I promise, there are many more things to talk about, such as corporate America, relationships, school, first times, and of course more life stuff.