Monday, March 14, 2011

Nothing of importance May 27th, 2007

Sitting here listening to my roommate tell me his woes I have these thoughts that run through my head, "I don't care"  "Why am I listening to this, I could be doing something else that is fun?" "There really is nothing I can do for you."  Now all these thoughts are pretty selfish and uncaring, but I finally said something to him.  I said I get up and do what I am supposed to do because I push myself with bitterness and anger.  I told him that next Saturday is the anniversary of Beth's Death.  I said that pissed me off so much that I am still angry about it 6 years later.  That is how I get out of bed everyday.  That is how I detach myself from drama and chaos.  That is how I laugh at life, because I have already been to hell, anything that comes my way now is just a walk in the park.  Hence the reasons I don't care about money or work.  I just care about getting up everyday and doing the right thing for myself.  I love myself wholeheartedly.  I don't get myself down anymore by my actions or the things I screw up.  I mean I am human, I am prone to mistakes.  It is the understanding of those mistakes and correcting them that makes me a good person.  I could very easily let my life go to hell and let everyone else sort out my problems as I had done for so many years.  The punk mentality of "who really gives a fuck about me?" doesn't hold much weight with me anymore.  I am not trying to change the world, I am just trying to live in it like everyone else.  If they would let me I would probably join the military, but they won't let me because of my age and medical background (among other things, but those are a main problem).  I don't believe in the war, but I do believe in those guys and gals who are dying in it.  My life has never meant much to me, it actually means more to my parents and family and friends than it does to me.  I have tried to commit suicide numerous times in my life and failed miserably.  But now, I say if I can't kill myself I sure as hell am not going to let someone or something do it.  Shit, I am here for a reason, probably many reasons.  I am just an angry individual, but it works for me.  I use sarcasm heavily day in and day out.  I pay my bills on time, I work everyday, I don't call in sick, I go to school (even when I don't have too.) I try to stay in touch with people (the key word is 'try')  I am just pissed.  I grieved for Beth for years, and it took me a long time to let it go, but I am still angry about it.  I was dating my ex-girlfriend Theresa for the past two months.  She is now the ex for the third time.  Anyway, she is the only woman I have committed myself too since Beth died.  So I treat her differently than I do all my other 'friends'.  Anyway, I love Theresa, but we are so different.  She wants me to be more positive and less negative.  She says she can't deal with my pissed off, pessimistic attitude, which is fine, because I can't deal with some her irresponsibility.  We broke up again about a week ago.  She is going to Ireland to study anyway, so the long distance would be a strain.  The reason I am bringing this up is because it all plays a part in what I am talking about here.  I am angry and pissed, and I changed my thinking patterns to accommodate her and show her I am capable of that 'free attitude' I used to have when I listened to The Grateful Dead all day.  Well, it lasted about two days and then the roommate went out on a binge.  I went back to being pissed and realized that this is who I am.  If you don't like me; fine.  But everyone who knows me, is my friend because I am who I am.  I haven't changed much with the pissed off bitterness.  I have had that mentality for years now.  I had it when I was with Beth, so even listening to The Grateful Dead didn't stop me from being angry, it just gave me a reason to be carefree, thus making it appear like I had no worries.  Shit, back then I worried all the time.  I was insecure, jealous, and a troublemaker.  I started fights, I bought my friendships and relationships.  I controlled people.  Well, now I just control my life and the things in it.  NOT the people.  So after all this babbling, do I actually have a point?  Yes I do.  I feel empathy for Mario, but I don't care.  My so called friends didn't tell me he was out there again.  They all knew but were afraid of my reaction.  Well, I told them all they were wrong, because I should be just as important to everyone as Mario is.  It affects all, but I am the one who lives with the guy.  I was going to tell him to move out, but I am going to throw my support his way by letting him stay.  That is my compassion for him, letting him stay.  Theresa, I love you, but you will never read this because you don't read my blogs.  Stacy, Thanks for always being there over the years.  Beth, You fucked me good, but I will always love you baby girl.  Sabrina, I hope all is well.  Heather, you are probably confused as hell, don't worry about it.  As for anyone who reads this blog.  This was just like I said in the subject line, "nothing of importance"  I am just venting here, I love my life and the people in it, but I still see the world as a cruel place where hate moves people more than love does.  I wish to find that perfect love again, but I gave that up months ago, that is how Theresa and I got back together.  I gave up the search/quest and just knew I could be with someone to pass the time.  Since Theresa and I know each other well now after three years off and on, it was just easy.  But all things come to an end sooner or later.  Thanks for listening and this blog is a perfect example of how complex my brain is, I mean a lot of this shit doesn't even make sense to me and I wrote it.  Life is good on my end, I am just shaking my head in disappointment more often than not.  Thankfully I am not the one causing the disappointment...

Have a good one.

Kenny

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