Something occurred to me May 30th, 2007

First off I have to give you the back story.  Theresa (ex-girlfriend; one of the loves of my life, and there are not many, I think 3 total, Yeah 3!)  Anyway, her cousin died in a boating accident in Alaska.  She is really tore up and so is her family ( pray for the Garrigans) so she called me for support and I was there for her, even though we have not been on really good terms since the whole possible pregnancy fiasco.  But that is a story for another day.  Anyway, I tried to be supportive and listen to her tell me how she was feeling.  I feel compassion for her, and me of all people, understand her situation all too well.  She asked me how I dealt with Beth dying, which is weird because I have never had a girl I was seeing or dating ever try and touch the Beth situation in conversation.  I quickly replied, 'I got really drunk and high for years' and then I said it didn't solve anything and she shouldn't do that.  It took me years of being sober just to deal with Beth dying.  But this is her cousin not her significant other, so the situation is slightly different.  I tried to be there for her as best as I am capable of...That is the reason for this blog.  I am not capable of much when it comes to other people's plights or suffering.  I have suffered for countless years, even before Beth died I suffered.  I am not saying this to be a martyr or have people feel sorry for me or pity me, I am just saying that suffering and pain were my best friends for many years.  I didn't understand why I was alive, I didn't want to be.  So I hid behind these various facades I had created through my drug use.  Most of my friends had no idea what my brain was actually analyzing or thinking about.  I realized today that death is not something I think about anymore.  Even other's deaths.  I really don't think about it, nor do I feel when it happens.  I have become very cold.  I have only cried once since Beth died.  ONCE!!!  And I think it was over something so mundane, like a cry of just pressure.  I haven't cried since.  I have no feelings or emotions besides the wrong ones, like anger.  I am sorry for her loss and I feel compassion for her (theresa that is) but the actual thought of someone dying, means nothing to me.  People die, that's life.  Nothing is forever.  I live in the moment.  I don't say, man when I am 40 I am really going to be living.  Fuck that, I might not see 40, so in the meantime what do I do?  Exactly, I live now.  Enjoy the weather, look at the birds, follow insects with my eyes when I am standing outside getting a suntan.  That is all i want to do.  I go to work and school because I am bored.  That's right bored.  I get bored a lot, and my mind works overtime when i have too much free time.  So I need to stay occupied.  I need to stay busy.  This is my life, and this is what I have learned keeps me sane.  As for the original reason I wrote this blog.  Pray for Theresa and her family, she needs all the help she can get.  I don't need any prayers, I am a lost soul and have been for a while.  But no worries, I am cool with it, it is me, it is my life.  Lost; looking for a place to lay my head.  Preferably next to a beautiful woman.  But solo is just as good.  I get more done when i am by myself.  Sorry babe, I wish this didn't happen...

Don't overlook what you have in front of you today because it might not be here tomorrow...

later
Kenny