Observations and thoughts June 13th, 2007

I was sitting here listening to Flogging Molly and I figured I would write down some of my thoughts since I don't need them clogging my brain anymore. 
I will start with the cicadas, yesterday I wrote that poem about them because I find them cool and fascinating.  They are so loud which doesn't bother me, but after today I am really tired of them.  I live by Schiller Woods, and when I ride to work I have to pass 4 city blocks of forests, and then another three blocks of forests when I get close to the Des Plaines river in River Grove.  I know they don't bite humans, and they are not a threat, but when I am riding, they keep flying everywhere around noon.  They don't fly too much at night, most creatures don't (insects I mean), I know mosquitoes do, but they are excluded from my last point.  Okay, so today for example, I am riding and I am getting swarmed by these things.  I mean like I said they don't bite but when 3 or 4 of them are flying into you every couple of seconds it becomes quite annoying.  I had two hit me in the face within a second of each other.  They are mating now so I know they are chasing each other.  But I try not to kill them, so I avoid them when they are walking along the pavement, but damn when I am getting hit by a couple of them at the same time and their wings flutter against my skin and then they try to latch onto me for a little ride, I get fed up.  So I hope they get done with their orgy sooner than later, and I don't mind waiting another 17 years to see them again.  I want to treat them like my family, once every 17 years sounds good to me right now...Okay Cicadas, Done!
Now I am in this huge empty house, and I like it on some levels but on others I don't.  I miss coming home to people.  I liked it when there was always something going, when Jason was here I could go to concerts on any given day of the week.  I still can but I hate taking the CTA because this neighborhood has horrible bus service when it gets late.  I miss Mario because he was always cooking and running from room to room.  Mario and I are so similar, I think that's why I like him so much.  We would have great political and religious conversations.  Immigration, The Dickhead in The White House, Congress, New Laws, Old Laws, Corrupt Cops and politicians, etc.  I miss that.  Brandon and Steph were always here to make me laugh or I would make them laugh, they understood my sarcasm better than anyone.  Not to mention, Steph was my dating advisor.  I could bounce ideas about women off of her.  She would meet some of the women and then give me her opinion which I valued.  Brandon was my support guy.  I could bounce all my problems off of him and get a truthful response about what he would do or how my solution sounds.  I miss them all.  Coming home to this empty house is good because I don't have to clean up after anyone, and I know when the house gets clean it will stay clean.  Paying all the utilities bills by myself sucks, and I am already feeling that pain.  I am totally broke now that Mario is gone and I am stuck covering last months bills.  Not to mention the bills for May haven't arrived yet, I just paid the April/May bills, but the May/June bills will be arriving anyday.  That will suck...I look around this house and see all these things I have to throw out.  I am not a pack rat, I travel light always have...I guess the hitchhiking from my younger days still affects me.  I don't like keeping things I don't use or will never need.  I plan on throwing out a ton of furniture so if anyone wants anything then don't hesitate to ask.  I will probably post a bulletin soon about that.  Now don't get me wrong, I can scrap with the best of them, I have been fighting all my life.Well, that is enough about the house, I have a lot of work ahead of me here...
Being single, this has been for a while now.  I felt like I was single even when I was with Theresa.  Of course I did respect our commitment, that is not what I am saying, I mean I only saw her once a week, and when I did, it just wasn't the same as it used to be between her and I.  I mean the love was there, and I wanted to be with her, but I could just see we were broken and couldn't be fixed no matter how hard I tried, and trust me I tried.  But anyway, being single again, coming home to the empty house, and thinking about all those great women I let get away from me over the years is sad.  I was such an asshole when I was drinking and drugging years ago.  I didn't care about anyone else but myself, and those women suffered because of it.  There were quite a few who loved me, and they told me, but it was my nature to push those away from me...I just didn't want to have women like that in my life.  I needed a women who was as selfish and crazy as I was, hence Beth!!!  But life goes on.  As I look in the mirror and see myself every morning, I see the grey hairs popping up.  Nothing excessive, but they are there.  I feel the pain in my legs when I stand too long in one spot.  My knuckles in my hands are becoming sore regularly from years of cracking them day in and day out.  I hear the wheezing in my lungs from the 25 years of smoking cigarettes.  My kidneys still hurt occasionally when I sleep too much.  Obviously from all the alcohol and drugs I forced them to recycle for me...On the upside of age, my wisdom dealing with life is getting better.  My logical thinking is becoming rather clear.  I am not getting as angry as fast as I used too, I am actually able to come up with logical solutions a lot faster now than a few years ago.  I calm down faster now too, so that is a benefit of age.  All I know is I am gettin older, 32 this year, never thought I would live to see it, I know that having a kid is becoming less and less likely.  Which would be a very bad thing for my family name.  I pressed that Quest for so long for that reason, but now I am just living, if I never have a kid then it was not meant to be. 
Moving on, my last two wisdom teeth have been moving the past 5 or 6 days.  I have been eating ibuprofen and aspirin a lot.  I never take any medications, but the pain is extreme, and I can take a lot of pain, my threshold is very high...But I can't get a good night's rest and my mental state is like it was when I had insomnia all those years.  Moments of clarity and then moments of a fog.  Sleep deprivation is bad, so I guess I am going to have to break down and give Dr. Reither a call (the dentist) and have the last two removed.  I was hoping they were just shifting and on monday I didn't have a problem, but the pain returned Tuesday morning, so I guess paying that money for the extractions is needed.  Money I don't have, but this is something that can be put off...Anybody got a pair of pliers, and can do oral surgery in my kitchen?  Let me know...
Coffee; yes my favorite drink.  I love it all year round, drink it in large quantities, and enjoy all flavors and types.  I miss my roommates for that too, since Brandon and Mario both worked at Caribou, I could always have beans available for my use...Now, I don't but I still have coffee.  I like it black and hot (like my women) and most people know this about me.  Espresso is my favorite, not an Americano either, Espresso black and hot, no sugar, no water, no cream, just a couple of those shots.  The taste is bitter and I love it.  Strong, reminds me of doing a shot of JD, pulling my cheeks back after I swallow, not because of the burn like JD but the because of the hot, strong coffee taste...It is really not the same but my facial expression is the same...LOL. 
Well, I am still searching for an apartment, I have been approved for a place on Lincoln and Bryn Mawr, but I don't want to move July 1st.  I will just have to ride farther to work and spend more money than I have.  I am planning on having my second story in print this fall, but I have been slacking off on that project until I get this house in order.  My editor is probably not pissed, she probably has her own stuff goin on anyway...Thinking about that just now makes me want to call her, I think I should...
Well alright, I needed to write down these thoughts and move on.  Reminiscing is fun but it causes me to not get anything done when I sit here and think back how life used to be.  It's the past, and you can't change it...So thanks for reading my thoughts, this is where I am today, and I feel great, just uncertain of what's ahead, but Great nonetheless...