The Situation!!!! May 24th, 2007

So here's the situation, I was visited by Beth in my dreams the yesterday morning she was down for anything, we were bonnie and clyde back in the day.  Hustlin, fightin, robbin, stealin, dealin, and partyin.  I had a dream where she was in bed trying to go somewhere and I started yellin at her about fucking other guys.  She screamed back, 'If you ever showed you cared, then maybe this shit would never have happened.'  I immediately let her go in disbelief, and then she stood up to leave, but stopped and turned and looked at me.  The alarm clock woke me up right then.
Her Death Anniversary is June 3rd, next saturday.  she usually visits me in my dreams around her birthday and her death day.  I don't know what she wants, I can only try and assume some sort of meaning from our conversations.  I don't know why I am still living and she is in an urn somewhere in ashes.  I wish I knew the answer to that question.  I was a fuckin terror, I would do whatever it took to survive.  I took care of her, and I loved every minute of that, but I was also so caught up in my own business that I strayed from her.  I thought I had total control of everything.  I was wrong, and in her case dead wrong.  I wear that feeling of not being there when she died on my stone heart everyday.  I practically drank myself to death after that, my girl dead!!!! 
Well, some of my friends know, and some don't.  I am a bitter motherfucker.  I am pissed at the world and I am just looking for a good woman that I can have a second chance with.  Someone who is just as much of a gangsta and a hustla as she was.  Someone more of that.  Someone who is willing to fight for life, not give it up and put a rope around their neck to end it.  I am not killing myself, like she did.  I am fighting everyday.  You know when I was younger, and I used to bang on the corners of Jefferson Park, Dunham Park, Gompers Park, Indian Trail, Forest Glen, etc. I would have this feeling of power.  Surrounded by people like Goose, or Lil' Management, or the Panzo Brothers.  Not afraid of anything, and not caring about anyone.  I don't know where a lot of those Royals are now, but I do know where I am...
I have seen a lot of death and destruction in my time...I don't know what the future holds but I am ready for whatever!!!  Everytime she visits me, I get all fucked up all over again...