Why??? Dec. 30th, 2006

So the weirdest thing happened to me this week.  I am on vacation and I was not going to do any blogging, but this is too important for me to pass on.  I am not going to talk about the particulars of the situation, but instead about how I feel about this particular event.
My perception or vibe detector is getting old.  Since there is no replacement for brains yet? it means I have to tweak my system a little.  Now, I have never in my life felt this way, but due to the circumstances I find myself listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Free Bird and realizing the words have a different meaning for me yet again.  When I was younger, I was so deprived of sexual relations with the opposite sex, that I tried way too hard to relieve the burden of being a virgin.  All my friends were balls deep in the lovebox long before I hit puberty.  Now being a late bloomer, 13, at least late compared to most of my core friends that is, I didn't have my first taste until I was 15.  Now, granted I was drinking, smoking weed, dropping acid, snorting cocaine, heroin, eating mushrooms, trying mescaline, PCP, hashish, opium, morphine, dalaudid, xanex, valium, etc. long before I got laid for the first time.  So all that pent up sexual aggression led me down a road of manipulation and coercion of the opposite sex.  I was damn good at reading women by the time I was 18.  I could get any woman I wanted if I sat back and observed and then reacted on what I saw.  After reacting, I used my fingers and body to observe even more.  By the end of it all, 22 to 26, I had quite a few women telling me they loved me, and yet I felt very little about most of them.  Looking back, because hindsight is 20/20, I realize that I did love some of them, and I wish I was a better man back then.  But I wasn't, I was a piece of shit who only cared about myself and instant gratification.  So, here I am 31, no kids, no wife, and my sexual prowess does not satisfy me anymore.  The whole sleeping with any woman for no reason, just for the fact that I am in love with the female body in any shape, size, or form. 
With all that being said, I may have used my skills of communication in a bad way over the years, but I have changed all those tactics over the past 4 years, because I have been on my quest for The One.  Now, I end a relationship at the point that I know it is over.  I don't hang onto things I cannot change.  I don't want to feel trapped or uncertain of my future.  I know that it is only fair to me and to my partner to stop it from progressing at the point I realize there is no future. 
These past two months have been great.  I went to Bermuda to meet a woman, whom I thought was a great fit in my life, but we decided that we just were not cut out for each other, it was cool because I still went to Bermuda.  So win-win, scratch another one off the list. 
Moving on, I met a really great woman, but I was a little hesitant on my actions physically with her, because I was uncertain of a few things.  Like the uncertainty of children, and marriage, etc.  Those are things I am up and down with myself, but some days I want kids, and other days I just want to be a bachelor.  But the days of wanting children are becoming more frequent and the days of being a bachelor are becoming less frequent.  So, I decided to take it to the next level, and when I got the green light from her, I was pleased with the response.  Looking back, I realize that was a bad idea.  Something happened, that was totally unexpected and now I am going to be watching for this in the future.  It was a surprise, because out of all my life experience, I cannot draw on one single incident that relates to this.  So, I was at a total loss for a few days.  I mean seriously caught up in my head with thoughts of why? and how? and what the fuck happened here?  But now after some chilling out, and figuring out what has happened and realizing that I screwed up because my signals were not on the money like usual.  My vibe detector went haywire, and I feel bad because of the actions of other men who came before me.  Their actions coupled with my own has created a bizarre situation. 
Now, I have enlightened one select individual far removed from my circle, so far removed that I haven't even spoken with her for over six months.  I figured this would be a good person to relieve myself of my story and feelings.  Plus her being a woman, helped me because I got the perspective I needed from the opposite sex.  Now, what I have come up with here, is that I am back to trying to hard.  Why?  because I actually liked this woman a lot more than I like most women.  So by trying to hard I found myself back in the instance of that point I was in at the age of 13 and 14.  No sex, because I tried too hard, and the women just were not buying my product then.  But now, I know what must be done.  I know that I am not the cause of this, I am just an effect of another circumstance that happened from some other man.  My actions were quick and thought out, which places some blame on me, but like I said my vibe detector went haywire.  Live and Learn as they say, well that is what I am doing, and I am also going to use my life experience to solve the matter instead of leaving it hang for the new year.  It was a good time, and I thought there was a chance here for something great, but 15 minutes of an uncomfortable situation has sent that out the door, without a return address.  There will be no forwarding or returned mail.  Cause I Am As Free As A Bird Now And This Bird You Cannot Change!!!
Know this, I was not wrong in my search or my extended stop here with this woman.  She is by far an excellent intellectual, with far more going on in her head than I ever imagined.  I will be keeping her around for good conversation, and maybe even some hanging out time, but I think that will be the extent of our relationship from now on.  I actually envisioned something great in the future here with her.  Which tells me how really awesome she is, and that she will make some man a very happy man when she finds The One she is supposed to be with.  I know that there were a lot of things that clicked between me and her, but not everything.  So, here we are, and I am getting closer to ending my Quest, I can feel it, each woman I meet has gotten closer and closer to the The One.  Which tells me that I am growing myself, because I realizing the exact things I want, and the closer I get the easier it will be to decide on which one is actually The One.  Life is all about learning and not hurting others for personal gain.  I am doing that, and I am trying to be the best man I can be today.  Whether or not I exceed day in and day out, is another matter, but I am trying nonetheless.

Kenny K.