Thoughts for today July 15th, 2006

Although I should be working on my book, I feel the need to talk a little.  I have found a gem in my daily walk through life.  This gem is very beautiful inside, and out.  Although I have not touched it yet, I feel a very overwhelming sense of understanding.  I can look at it, hear it, but I cannot touch it or taste it or smell it yet.  I am looking forward to when that day comes, but until then I guess I just have to walk.  Walking is fun, as long as you don't fall down.  Skinned knees heal, broken hearts do too, but it takes longer for the latter.  This I know because of my life in general.  Many times expectations have gotten in the way of good things.  I am drawn to those I cannot have, and yet I like it.  It is painful in a sense, but I am familiar with the pain.  It is almost like going home after a long voyage.  Sure you had fun on the trip, but you still yearn for your bed in your home.  Kind of like a child makes a list for Santa Claus, he doesn't really exist, but to the child, it is like a miracle happens come Christmas and there are the packages marked "from Santa."  Fairy tales and dreams are all I have to tell today, when these dreams come into fruition, all my readers and friends will be the first to know.  Everyone in my life today does not know who I used to be, except for the Fam.  They know everything, and deep in their minds I know they question my actions day in and day out.  It is only fair, since I have come so far, they just don't want to see me stumble.  The only thing I have yet to fix in my life is the vacancy in the Heart Hotel of KennyLand.  The room is vacant and the sign says "Vacancy" yet I cannot get any customers to stay longer than a night or a weekend.  I suppose the interesting people I meet, and the women who I seem to excite, only seem to stick around for a short time.  I am a salesman/con-man, and yet I am having trouble making the close on my sales.  My pitch is great, I got them running towards me, but when it comes time to sell them, I feel like I am actually defrauding them.  Almost like what I am selling is not worth the price I am asking.  Again, it is only a matter of time before I find Her or Die.  Those are the only two options I have or want to have for that matter.  Suppose I was sent away on some secret mission, and I find a girl who I think is The One, but she is on the side of the enemy.  Do I continue on with my search?  Or do I stop and tell her the truth?  Or do I play the Spy Game and wait to see what happens next?  These are questions I ask myself daily without being on some secret government mission.  I feel like I am surrounded by women who do not want to take any chances.    I am a gambling man, and I lose more often than I win, but I have fun doing it.  So when I think about relationships and women, I bet a lot more than I have to lose, and that is my problem.  Putting it all on the line for some woman who I think could be a breath of fresh air, that is a gamble, but in the back of my mind, I tell myself it is all worth it if the bet pays off.  I am willing to risk it all on The One, I just hope if I lose, I still have something to show for all the time wasted...