This past weekend has been quite a blur. Actually, since I landed from Hawaii, I have found it rather exciting to be out and about. The problem is the chaos is still following me. I just have bad luck. I was the designated driver on Saturday night, and I got my car towed at closing time because it was parked in a snow route. Everyone I was supposed to drive home ended up in a cab. It sort of defeated the purpose of having a sober person be DD. If I could see the future, I would have just drank my ass off. On Sunday, I had to call my mother, since it was her car, and get my buddy Paul to pick me up to go to the impound lot at Sacramento and Chicago. It cost me 160 bucks to get the car back. My mother was not happy, nor am I for that matter because of the circumstances of the night. Originally, I had a good day, and then went to meet my old roommates Jason and Mario at Cobra Lounge for punk night. It was a good time, even though Jason was wasted. I guess he gave up his sobriety. He used to be sober for almost 10 years I think, or close to it. His life has taken a downward spiral because he recently got a DUI, and his car broke down. It is a rather odd situation, and I was surprised to hear the details of his current lifestyle choice. After leaving there, I drove my buddy Johnny and his roommate to Flatiron on Milwaukee near Damen. That is where the car was towed from. I should have just told them I would drop them off and be on my merry way, but the night was still on-going, so I stuck it out. It cost me the money, but I have bad luck.
The craziness didn't end there though. Last night I went out to my local watering hole while I was doing some reflecting on the weekend events. I ended up at Gladstone. While sitting there, an off-duty Chicago cop, named Kevin, began to talk to me. When I told him I just got back from Hawaii, the fuse was lit. It turns out he was in Afghanistan, and spent some time in Hawaii before being deployed. He also was there recently to purchase some property. Anyway, he kept badgering me for information. Every question about a specific place, I would say, nope, never been there. I mean I spent most of my time in Waikiki and Honolulu, while all the places he remembers are North Shore or Kaneohe side. He was also pretty drunk doing shots of tequila with every beer. He ended up talking me into going to another bar with him. This was a bad idea. I knew I had my job interview today at noon, which I made and I will get to that later in this blog. So we ended up at another bar on Addison and Oak Park. Originally I told him I didn't want to go with him because of the job interview and he was drunk, which meant I would probably be walking home in this cold ass weather. He told me he would drive me back and buy the drinks. He wanted a wing-man for some Russian women at this other bar.
Driving to the other bar was a bit crazy. He was doing like 80 mph on the city streets, I guess it helps when you got a badge in your pocket. Some other cops showed up at the bar that were on-duty, but they were just visiting the bartender, which happened to be one of the Russian women. It was very weird for me to be out drinking with cops. I mean I have played poker with them, my ex-wife's father is a retired CPD officer, etc. Well, this guy got more and more drunk. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and this fucker tried to skip out the other door. I went up to him and was like, What the fuck dude? You trying to bounce out on me. I gave him the third degree, and told him to let me drive. I wasn't that buzzed, having had only 2 beers and 2 shots over the course of four hours.
I started to drive myself back towards my neighborhood, but Kevin.wanted to stop at another bar on Montrose. When we get in there, we ordered some drinks, but it turns out Kevin had no cash, and his account was overdrawn or whatever. Anyway, he wanted to leave after ordering the drinks because he couldn't pay for them. He tried the back door exit by the bathroom, yet again. This fucker was really pissing me off at that point. So I told the bartender I would be back to cover the drinks, and the promises this cop made never came true. He kept yelling oorah the entire night, but obviously that was just a facade, because he turned out to be a liar. He lived up to my perception of most cops that I knew from my youth days. He was a total fucking drunk, that made himself live in some alternate universe. Anyway, he tried to ditch me again, and told him to go fuck himself. He drove home really drunk, and I wouldn't be surprised if he hit something on the way. I offered to give him a ride home, and then I would just hike it home. Even though he pissed me off, I still don't wish any ill will towards anyone's safety.
Anyway, I let him ride off and I hiked it home. I stopped over and seen Christian on my way home, which was a nice little lay over. I made it home. I crashed, and had my interview on time at noon today. It was for Carnival Cruise lines. The job seems promising and I have another interview on April 10th. It will be a six month contract if I do take the job. Anyway, the night was fucked up, and I still came through unscathed. I usually am the guy who makes the bad decisions, but lately, in Chicago, I have been realizing the chaos that others bring to my world. I am not blameless here since I had a choice to go to the 2nd bar, but at least alls well that ends well.
I will re-write this story for my auto-biography. Well, that is my short story. The major players were Kevin the cop, Mean Gene the 68 year old drunk, Gina the bartender, and at the second bar, Agnes the bartender from Russia, and at the third bar, Mary the bartender, whom I still owe 5 bucks for the drinks Kevin ordered and didn't pay for.
The Blog of Kenneth Kirschnick.......Welcome to a place for my thoughts to be shared with the world...Anything goes here, politics, religion, life, music, academics, poetry, writing, films, etc. I have no boundaries in life, so there will be no limits here either...Enjoy!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The funny thing about life
Reflection of life is a wonderful thing for those who have lived it for all it's worth. I laugh to myself when I look to the skies for answers, and they actually come to me. Too many times I have asked the old man upstairs for guidance or questioned his reasoning for leaving me behind on this Earth after Beth passed away. It wasn't until 2003 that I realized I wasn't going to die anytime soon. Here we are, 2011, and I am still here, except now I trust his judgment for my future. I actually appreciate the guidance I get when I ask him questions. I was just standing outside asking who am I supposed to meet, or what am I supposed to do? And immediately the wind blew a gust that froze me up, but I was laughing. It was almost instantaneously connected to my questioning his grand plan. The other night the same thing happened. I sat outside the pub smoking a cigarette and was about to leave, but the skies opened up and the rain began to pour down. It forced me to stay at the pub, which allowed me to meet some very interesting people of all ages.
The other thing I often question are the women in my life. My mother obviously raised me right in terms of how I treat women. The only downside is I often break their hearts, but it's for the best in the long run. If my love for them is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship, then in my eyes, we will end much more horribly later on down the road. These thoughts in no way apply to any current situations, it is just a generalization over years of my life and the reflection of what I have seen, felt, done, and dealt with in the past.
I am now putting the two notions together and starting to see a pattern. Not only do I question life, the reasons for being here, and the women that cross my path, but also the ideas of fate, destiny, and/or karma. Even though this blog might seem scattered, it is some of the things I am thinking about at the moment. I actually look at my current situation as being exactly as the way it is supposed to be at this very moment in time. I am uncertain of my future, and still very uncertain of what the old man actually wants from me. The one thing I do know is that we are communicating more and more over the past few years. This talks have increased in nature, and responses have also come in terms of signs. Well, do not mistake this blog for a religious sermon, because everyone knows I am not religious, but spiritual.
The question I used to get was what was the difference between religion and spirituality? Well, I will just say that spirituality is for those that have been to hell and don't want to go back. Whereas religion is for those that decide being saved first makes more sense. It is my hard head that makes the second choice impossible. I need to learn things the hard way. Does it make me any better than my fellow man/woman? NO, it does not, I would actually classify it as being worse off because it takes me longer to get the same place as them. Anyway, life is good, and this blog was about the comedy I find when I ask for a little guidance. The truth is, reflection helps me to have to ask for this guidance.
That is all I got about that today. As for life itself, well I had an interview today that went really well. I have another interview on Tuesday, and also some good leads to follow up on later next week. I think I am on the right track, and I feel good about my decision making process. If the weather gets warmer, then I will be absolutely golden. I will keep you posted.
Kenny
The other thing I often question are the women in my life. My mother obviously raised me right in terms of how I treat women. The only downside is I often break their hearts, but it's for the best in the long run. If my love for them is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship, then in my eyes, we will end much more horribly later on down the road. These thoughts in no way apply to any current situations, it is just a generalization over years of my life and the reflection of what I have seen, felt, done, and dealt with in the past.
I am now putting the two notions together and starting to see a pattern. Not only do I question life, the reasons for being here, and the women that cross my path, but also the ideas of fate, destiny, and/or karma. Even though this blog might seem scattered, it is some of the things I am thinking about at the moment. I actually look at my current situation as being exactly as the way it is supposed to be at this very moment in time. I am uncertain of my future, and still very uncertain of what the old man actually wants from me. The one thing I do know is that we are communicating more and more over the past few years. This talks have increased in nature, and responses have also come in terms of signs. Well, do not mistake this blog for a religious sermon, because everyone knows I am not religious, but spiritual.
The question I used to get was what was the difference between religion and spirituality? Well, I will just say that spirituality is for those that have been to hell and don't want to go back. Whereas religion is for those that decide being saved first makes more sense. It is my hard head that makes the second choice impossible. I need to learn things the hard way. Does it make me any better than my fellow man/woman? NO, it does not, I would actually classify it as being worse off because it takes me longer to get the same place as them. Anyway, life is good, and this blog was about the comedy I find when I ask for a little guidance. The truth is, reflection helps me to have to ask for this guidance.
That is all I got about that today. As for life itself, well I had an interview today that went really well. I have another interview on Tuesday, and also some good leads to follow up on later next week. I think I am on the right track, and I feel good about my decision making process. If the weather gets warmer, then I will be absolutely golden. I will keep you posted.
Kenny
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Limitless" A movie review Spoiler alert at end of blog...
I went to see "Limitless" yesterday starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro. I will give an overview of the movie, but I will write a sentence stating to not read further if you don't want the movie spoiled.
The film itself was rather interesting. The plot was pretty original, even though I heard some negative criticism from a radio d.j. on Q101. I believe it was Brooke, and she stated the advertisements seemed interesting at first, but hearing them over and over again made her less and less convinced she wanted to see it. Does ELM sound familiar here? Argument quantity will have a negative impact on persuading a person towards the product. In other words, the more commercials you see/hear will slowly diminish your motivation to see the movie. Back to the movie review.
The opening was a bit nauseating with video sequencing that traveled very fast. The camera sped through the rear windshield and then the front windshield of vehicles. The location changed upon the transition through the front window to the next vehicle's rear window. The aesthetic effect was movement through time. It would be similar to dissolve and a fade in/out all wrapped into one. After the opening credits, this technique was only used again 1 or 2 other times in the movement to move the timeline quickly.
The movie opens up with a Cooper narrating, which after a few moments sent the audience into a flashback. It was a very long, and detailed flashback, which spanned almost the entire movie. The climax, obviously, was at the moment the original scene was met in the timeline with the flashback. The storyline moved smoothly throughout the movie, and it was easy to follow. The actual plot was original, and it had some very good scenes where the actors were able to show their true abilities. There was a lot of action, suspense, thrills, and roller coaster moments to keep the audience fully involved in the movie.
Bradley Cooper (Hangover, Wedding Crashers, Yes) played the role of Eddie Morra very well. Eddie is an up and coming writer with writer's block. He is allowed access to a pill, which gives him the power to access parts of his brain that humans have been unable to access up to this point in our time. As the story progresses, Eddie is confronted with multiple conflicts, and one by one they create the story. One of those conflicts is Robert De Niro's character, Carl Van Loon.
De Niro, Van Loon, is a rich business man that is intrigued by Cooper's ability to increase his financial standing by day trading 2.3 million dollars in one week from just 100,000 dollars invested. The trailers and information available on the movie back up these comments, so don't worry I am not spoiling anything yet! Van Loon and Cooper begin a working relationship, while other conflicts begin to take a toll on Cooper. The movie progresses towards the climax, but does not give away the ending at all. Personally, it took me a considerable amount of time to put the pieces together, but it was all laid out for the audience by the end, without leaving a cliff for a 2nd or 3rd movie.
I recommend this movie. I saw it at a matinee price, and I think it was a steal for $5.00. The movie was not disappointing, and it kept me in my seat, even though I had to use the bathroom halfway through. I never left the theatre until the end.
SPOILER ALERT:
DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE STORYLINE!
The opening scene has Morra standing on a ledge of his penthouse, debating suicide. There is someone pounding on his front door, and shortly afterward, his neighbor is shot next door, with Morra giving the details of him being curious and opening his front door. The people pounding on the door must obviously want to kill Morra, and his neighbor becomes an innocent victim. (There are a lot of those in this movies)
Morra begins to tell his tale. The audience is taken back a few months earlier.
Morra is a blocked author, who is supposed to produce a manuscript but cannot find the words to even start the book. It shows him with long "artist" hair, unmanaged facial hair, and him bouncing around from bar to his apartment, back to the bar. There is a scene in the beginning that shows him being dumped by his girlfriend, and you can see his life is not going very well. He ends up running into his ex-brother-in-law (Vernon). The man asks him to have a drink with him, and after a little goading, Morra finally agrees. While at the bar, Vernon begins to tell him about a new drug that the FDA has approved that allows people to access more than the 20% of their brain that we are capable of. Vernon gives him a pill and then takes a phone call that is very argumentative. He quickly exits, and tells Morra, the pill costs $800 each, and he should try it.
Morra is hesitant to try it, but carries it home with him. He decides to take the pill, and afterward, Morra is transformed into this OCD with the ability to envision patterns in life. This ability allows him to make adjustments, such as cleaning his crappy apartment, write 40 pages of his manuscript, etc. He awakes the next morning without the access, because the pill has limited effect. Seeing how great the drug was, he set out to find Vernon again. Vernon sends him off to get some breakfast and dry-cleaning before he will hook Morra up again, given the fact that Morra is broke and can't pay for anymore, he happily obliges.
After returning to Vernon's apartment, Morra finds him dead on the couch with a gunshot to the head. The person(s) who killed him trashed the apartment, which leads Morra to believe they were searching for the pills. He calls 911 and reports the murder, then starts to look for the pills himself. He finds them and a wadd of 100 dollar bills, just as the cops starting pounding on the door. He hides the stash, and is taken into the police station for questioning on his ex-brother-in-law's murder. He gets a phone call from his ex-wife while at the station, where she warns him to stay away from the pills.
Morra doesn't heed the advice and starts a regular, daily dose of the pill. He is able to finish his manuscript, but has no access to cash. He cuts his hair, shaves, and purchases a new suit. He then borrows money from a Eastern European mobster, and begins day-trading. He turns 100,000 dollars into 2.3 million dollars within 1 week. This catches the eye of Van Loon, who seeks a meeting with him to find out his secrets.
Van Loon wants Morra to help him with a gigantic business merger. Morra, however, cannot continue on his pace because the pills are having negative effects on him due to alcohol use, and over consumption. This results him having massive blackouts, but still having mobility. It makes him stop using the pills, which have an even greater negative effect on his health. (headaches, vomiting, muscle damage, etc.) He tries to kick the habit, but finds out that if he does, he will actually lose some of his brain activity from his original state before starting the regiment of the pills.
He is being chased throughout the movie, which forces him to go to his ex-girlfriend. This is an attempt for her to go get the pills that he has hidden at her apartment. The man chasing Morra, begins to chase his ex-girlfriend, and even kills a few people in the process. Morra tells her to take a pill in order to escape. She does, realizes how Morra had changed from a broke author to an amazing financier overnight. This leads her to tell him to leave her alone. He makes changes in his routine and tries to manage his usage of the pill, while also making arrangements to secure his future. This is through the Van Loon merger with the other company.
The plot thickens at this point as we see Morra hire bodyguards, move into a penthouse built with vault-like doors, and get custom suits with hide-away pockets so he can carry his pills with him. There are multiple murders happening, twists and spins, and the storyline is not predictable up to, nor after this point in the movie...And if you really thought I was going to give away the ending this close to its release into theatres, well you were mistaken. Now, get off your couch, find a date, and go see this movie...It is very good.
I give the movie:
4 shots of Jack Daniels out of 5.
The film itself was rather interesting. The plot was pretty original, even though I heard some negative criticism from a radio d.j. on Q101. I believe it was Brooke, and she stated the advertisements seemed interesting at first, but hearing them over and over again made her less and less convinced she wanted to see it. Does ELM sound familiar here? Argument quantity will have a negative impact on persuading a person towards the product. In other words, the more commercials you see/hear will slowly diminish your motivation to see the movie. Back to the movie review.
The opening was a bit nauseating with video sequencing that traveled very fast. The camera sped through the rear windshield and then the front windshield of vehicles. The location changed upon the transition through the front window to the next vehicle's rear window. The aesthetic effect was movement through time. It would be similar to dissolve and a fade in/out all wrapped into one. After the opening credits, this technique was only used again 1 or 2 other times in the movement to move the timeline quickly.
The movie opens up with a Cooper narrating, which after a few moments sent the audience into a flashback. It was a very long, and detailed flashback, which spanned almost the entire movie. The climax, obviously, was at the moment the original scene was met in the timeline with the flashback. The storyline moved smoothly throughout the movie, and it was easy to follow. The actual plot was original, and it had some very good scenes where the actors were able to show their true abilities. There was a lot of action, suspense, thrills, and roller coaster moments to keep the audience fully involved in the movie.
Bradley Cooper (Hangover, Wedding Crashers, Yes) played the role of Eddie Morra very well. Eddie is an up and coming writer with writer's block. He is allowed access to a pill, which gives him the power to access parts of his brain that humans have been unable to access up to this point in our time. As the story progresses, Eddie is confronted with multiple conflicts, and one by one they create the story. One of those conflicts is Robert De Niro's character, Carl Van Loon.
De Niro, Van Loon, is a rich business man that is intrigued by Cooper's ability to increase his financial standing by day trading 2.3 million dollars in one week from just 100,000 dollars invested. The trailers and information available on the movie back up these comments, so don't worry I am not spoiling anything yet! Van Loon and Cooper begin a working relationship, while other conflicts begin to take a toll on Cooper. The movie progresses towards the climax, but does not give away the ending at all. Personally, it took me a considerable amount of time to put the pieces together, but it was all laid out for the audience by the end, without leaving a cliff for a 2nd or 3rd movie.
I recommend this movie. I saw it at a matinee price, and I think it was a steal for $5.00. The movie was not disappointing, and it kept me in my seat, even though I had to use the bathroom halfway through. I never left the theatre until the end.
SPOILER ALERT:
DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE STORYLINE!
The opening scene has Morra standing on a ledge of his penthouse, debating suicide. There is someone pounding on his front door, and shortly afterward, his neighbor is shot next door, with Morra giving the details of him being curious and opening his front door. The people pounding on the door must obviously want to kill Morra, and his neighbor becomes an innocent victim. (There are a lot of those in this movies)
Morra begins to tell his tale. The audience is taken back a few months earlier.
Morra is a blocked author, who is supposed to produce a manuscript but cannot find the words to even start the book. It shows him with long "artist" hair, unmanaged facial hair, and him bouncing around from bar to his apartment, back to the bar. There is a scene in the beginning that shows him being dumped by his girlfriend, and you can see his life is not going very well. He ends up running into his ex-brother-in-law (Vernon). The man asks him to have a drink with him, and after a little goading, Morra finally agrees. While at the bar, Vernon begins to tell him about a new drug that the FDA has approved that allows people to access more than the 20% of their brain that we are capable of. Vernon gives him a pill and then takes a phone call that is very argumentative. He quickly exits, and tells Morra, the pill costs $800 each, and he should try it.
Morra is hesitant to try it, but carries it home with him. He decides to take the pill, and afterward, Morra is transformed into this OCD with the ability to envision patterns in life. This ability allows him to make adjustments, such as cleaning his crappy apartment, write 40 pages of his manuscript, etc. He awakes the next morning without the access, because the pill has limited effect. Seeing how great the drug was, he set out to find Vernon again. Vernon sends him off to get some breakfast and dry-cleaning before he will hook Morra up again, given the fact that Morra is broke and can't pay for anymore, he happily obliges.
After returning to Vernon's apartment, Morra finds him dead on the couch with a gunshot to the head. The person(s) who killed him trashed the apartment, which leads Morra to believe they were searching for the pills. He calls 911 and reports the murder, then starts to look for the pills himself. He finds them and a wadd of 100 dollar bills, just as the cops starting pounding on the door. He hides the stash, and is taken into the police station for questioning on his ex-brother-in-law's murder. He gets a phone call from his ex-wife while at the station, where she warns him to stay away from the pills.
Morra doesn't heed the advice and starts a regular, daily dose of the pill. He is able to finish his manuscript, but has no access to cash. He cuts his hair, shaves, and purchases a new suit. He then borrows money from a Eastern European mobster, and begins day-trading. He turns 100,000 dollars into 2.3 million dollars within 1 week. This catches the eye of Van Loon, who seeks a meeting with him to find out his secrets.
Van Loon wants Morra to help him with a gigantic business merger. Morra, however, cannot continue on his pace because the pills are having negative effects on him due to alcohol use, and over consumption. This results him having massive blackouts, but still having mobility. It makes him stop using the pills, which have an even greater negative effect on his health. (headaches, vomiting, muscle damage, etc.) He tries to kick the habit, but finds out that if he does, he will actually lose some of his brain activity from his original state before starting the regiment of the pills.
He is being chased throughout the movie, which forces him to go to his ex-girlfriend. This is an attempt for her to go get the pills that he has hidden at her apartment. The man chasing Morra, begins to chase his ex-girlfriend, and even kills a few people in the process. Morra tells her to take a pill in order to escape. She does, realizes how Morra had changed from a broke author to an amazing financier overnight. This leads her to tell him to leave her alone. He makes changes in his routine and tries to manage his usage of the pill, while also making arrangements to secure his future. This is through the Van Loon merger with the other company.
The plot thickens at this point as we see Morra hire bodyguards, move into a penthouse built with vault-like doors, and get custom suits with hide-away pockets so he can carry his pills with him. There are multiple murders happening, twists and spins, and the storyline is not predictable up to, nor after this point in the movie...And if you really thought I was going to give away the ending this close to its release into theatres, well you were mistaken. Now, get off your couch, find a date, and go see this movie...It is very good.
I give the movie:
4 shots of Jack Daniels out of 5.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Back home in Chicago
The trip home on St. Patrick's Day was rather uneventful. I got to go through the new security systems at Seattle Airport. It wasn't as bad as the media made it sound. I went out with Matt Reichel and my buddy Marty on Friday night. We pounded some $4.00 pints of Guinness and all-you-can-eat fish fry with chips for $7.00. That is one thing I appreciate about being home compared to Hawaii, cheap drinks and food at the pub. Marty talked me into taking a ride to Indiana for some poker, but I ended up not playing because the atmosphere didn't feel right. He did well for most of the night, but then lost all his money on pocket aces. He was not very happy, and I tried to get him to leave earlier but he wanted to play a little longer. The end result was he missed his last train home to Waukegan. So he offered me 60 bucks to drive him home, which I happily took him up on. All in all, my night ended with a profit.
Last night was my sister's engagement party. Even though the estimated numbers of people was supposed to be around 20-30 people, it turned out to be about 100 people. I didn't know most of the people that showed up, but I got by. My father and I had 2 beers together, and I think that was the first time I ever drank with him. I left home at 17, and our relationship was very scarred throughout most of my 20s because of my lifestyle choices. The past 7 years have been on a positive re-forming between him and I. The party was a success, and my sister seems happy with her decision to get married. Her wedding will be sometime next summer. I am happy for her. I left the party to go the Rockford charitable games, where I played some sit-n-go tournaments. I won the first one for 110 dollar profit. I lost the second one, but still left 85 dollars ahead than when I arrived. I think I will go back to that game a couple days a week. It is in Skokie tomorrow, the problem is my mother starts her new job tomorrow, which means I won't have access to her car until she gets settled in the job.
Other than that, life is just moving fast for the moment. I am just chilling out today, which is a nice change of pace. I am pretty relaxed and I think I will just veg-out. The weather was very nice when I arrived on Thursday, but it has been chilly since then. It started raining today, the first day of spring, and I believe it will be raining through Thursday. Alright, more updates to come. Hopefully my blogging will get back to normal. That includes content, anecdotes, etc.
See Ya,
Kenny
Last night was my sister's engagement party. Even though the estimated numbers of people was supposed to be around 20-30 people, it turned out to be about 100 people. I didn't know most of the people that showed up, but I got by. My father and I had 2 beers together, and I think that was the first time I ever drank with him. I left home at 17, and our relationship was very scarred throughout most of my 20s because of my lifestyle choices. The past 7 years have been on a positive re-forming between him and I. The party was a success, and my sister seems happy with her decision to get married. Her wedding will be sometime next summer. I am happy for her. I left the party to go the Rockford charitable games, where I played some sit-n-go tournaments. I won the first one for 110 dollar profit. I lost the second one, but still left 85 dollars ahead than when I arrived. I think I will go back to that game a couple days a week. It is in Skokie tomorrow, the problem is my mother starts her new job tomorrow, which means I won't have access to her car until she gets settled in the job.
Other than that, life is just moving fast for the moment. I am just chilling out today, which is a nice change of pace. I am pretty relaxed and I think I will just veg-out. The weather was very nice when I arrived on Thursday, but it has been chilly since then. It started raining today, the first day of spring, and I believe it will be raining through Thursday. Alright, more updates to come. Hopefully my blogging will get back to normal. That includes content, anecdotes, etc.
See Ya,
Kenny
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My blogging has slowed down considerably, why?
I quit blogging for a while due to the changes on MySpace. The site is trying to compete with Facebook, which is not really working out to well. Those people that continue to use MySpace were users there for a while. I am still keeping my profile up and running, because the difference in the two sites is very reminiscent of Marx' ideas concerning separation of class. Anyway, the blogging page changed so much that it was impossible for me to blog anything.
As for an update on my life, well Karen and I finalized the divorce about a month ago. She was able to finally get the order signed by a judge, which means I am officially divorced. Claudia and I also broke up in January. The reasons for that break-up were/are quite lengthy. The original plan was that her and I move into together at the end of last summer. It was a quite comfortable feeling to have the stability that she is used to having, and thus allowed me to feel comfortable also. She was going to move to Chicago with me, but it was all based upon her finding a job and/or getting accepted into a Ph.D. program. I started thinking about her future and well-being and realized that she would have to rely on me as the ONLY person in her life if she made a move like that. Thinking about that, made me think that it would be best if she and I separated for her to find out exactly what she wants from life. At the moment, I am so far in debt from my student loans, that I would be nothing but extra baggage for her, and she might become miserable over time, which may increase resentment from either her or me. I took the strong perspective and told her it was best if we stopped our relationship and re-evaluated our own lives. The door is still wide open in my eyes concerning a possible future relationship. I love her, but today is not the day to finalize that. I have been given advice from friends and even professors saying that I should marry her, but that is a big step that I am unable to do at this point in my life. With so many questions regarding my future, i.e. no job, debt, a fresh start, bad economy, etc., it becomes difficult for me to keep her waiting in the foyer.
I officially received my M.A. in Communication this past week. I set out to get my Ph.D. and now I am in a position to do this. It was not easy though, I was originally writing my thesis. I had written more than half of it, but the files were deleted by my school's I.T. department. It caused quite a stir in January, which forced me to take the comprehensive exams. I am still going to finish my thesis because I am going to need it for my future studies, but due to low finances, time constraints, and the fact I just want to go back to Chicago, I took the exams. I will post the e-mail conservation I had with the various departments at school concerning who was to blame for the deleted files. It was quite a comical situation at the time, although I didn't think it was funny when it was happening. I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow morning. It has been a wild ride, that is coming to a close.
My new book should be coming out soon. I know I have been saying this for a few years now, but it is finally ready to be sent to my publisher. It should be available for sale in June of this year. I can only hope it will be as successful as the first book. The bad part is that I have not published anything for the past 5 years. That is a long time, and I am sure I will not be able to reach some of my readers that purchased the first book. I will update this part when I know for sure what is happening.
Well, I have a lot of things to do today to prepare for my trip home, which means I should not sit here and type a novella. I will keep everyone in tune.
Later,
Kenny
As for an update on my life, well Karen and I finalized the divorce about a month ago. She was able to finally get the order signed by a judge, which means I am officially divorced. Claudia and I also broke up in January. The reasons for that break-up were/are quite lengthy. The original plan was that her and I move into together at the end of last summer. It was a quite comfortable feeling to have the stability that she is used to having, and thus allowed me to feel comfortable also. She was going to move to Chicago with me, but it was all based upon her finding a job and/or getting accepted into a Ph.D. program. I started thinking about her future and well-being and realized that she would have to rely on me as the ONLY person in her life if she made a move like that. Thinking about that, made me think that it would be best if she and I separated for her to find out exactly what she wants from life. At the moment, I am so far in debt from my student loans, that I would be nothing but extra baggage for her, and she might become miserable over time, which may increase resentment from either her or me. I took the strong perspective and told her it was best if we stopped our relationship and re-evaluated our own lives. The door is still wide open in my eyes concerning a possible future relationship. I love her, but today is not the day to finalize that. I have been given advice from friends and even professors saying that I should marry her, but that is a big step that I am unable to do at this point in my life. With so many questions regarding my future, i.e. no job, debt, a fresh start, bad economy, etc., it becomes difficult for me to keep her waiting in the foyer.
I officially received my M.A. in Communication this past week. I set out to get my Ph.D. and now I am in a position to do this. It was not easy though, I was originally writing my thesis. I had written more than half of it, but the files were deleted by my school's I.T. department. It caused quite a stir in January, which forced me to take the comprehensive exams. I am still going to finish my thesis because I am going to need it for my future studies, but due to low finances, time constraints, and the fact I just want to go back to Chicago, I took the exams. I will post the e-mail conservation I had with the various departments at school concerning who was to blame for the deleted files. It was quite a comical situation at the time, although I didn't think it was funny when it was happening. I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow morning. It has been a wild ride, that is coming to a close.
My new book should be coming out soon. I know I have been saying this for a few years now, but it is finally ready to be sent to my publisher. It should be available for sale in June of this year. I can only hope it will be as successful as the first book. The bad part is that I have not published anything for the past 5 years. That is a long time, and I am sure I will not be able to reach some of my readers that purchased the first book. I will update this part when I know for sure what is happening.
Well, I have a lot of things to do today to prepare for my trip home, which means I should not sit here and type a novella. I will keep everyone in tune.
Later,
Kenny
Completed the move of my blogs...
Hey all,
Welcome to my new blog. This is where I will be doing any writings, thoughts, poems, updates, etc. Currently, I just graduated yesterday with my Masters of Arts degree in Communication. I will be traveling back home to Chicago this Thursday. This is when I hope to find a job, get back in tune with all my friends and family, and hopefully have a bright future. I also plan on publishing Simplicity since it is finished. That should be out in bookstores by June. Well, I have some packing and cleaning to do, so I will see you all later.
Thanks for stopping by San Diego.
I'm Ron Burgundy
Welcome to my new blog. This is where I will be doing any writings, thoughts, poems, updates, etc. Currently, I just graduated yesterday with my Masters of Arts degree in Communication. I will be traveling back home to Chicago this Thursday. This is when I hope to find a job, get back in tune with all my friends and family, and hopefully have a bright future. I also plan on publishing Simplicity since it is finished. That should be out in bookstores by June. Well, I have some packing and cleaning to do, so I will see you all later.
Thanks for stopping by San Diego.
I'm Ron Burgundy
Dilemmas All Around! Jan. 20th, 2011
Hey all,
It's been a while since I blogged anything, but usually in times of distress it is good to write out my thoughts.
I at another crossroads in life. I am in my last semester of my M.A. in Hawaii, and now financial aid is starting to change the rules. The money available is not enough to live in Hawaii for a full semester, so I made plans to finish my thesis early and leave the island. This was a good plan, and I am halfway finished with my thesis. The problem is that I can only afford to stay here until mid-March at the latest. Now the other option for me is to take my comprehensive exams, which are given in mid-March. If I pass the written and oral exams, I get my degree. This seems like the smartest decision, but I wanted the thesis in case I decide to pursue my Ph.D.
A few months ago I decided to take off a year before applying so I could pay down my student loans, and get some stability back in my life. Truth be told, school has become boring and I am unmotivated to finish the work. The exams will not be a problem because I have learned enough at HPU to satisfy any questions thrown at me. I am able to argue any position, for or against, in terms of mediation, Dramatism, media theories like remediation, film criticism, group communication, virtuality, etc. I know the exams would be the easy road, and would allow me to finish in the timeframe I have set. BUT it forces me to not have a thesis, which would be needed if/when I apply for Ph.D. programs.
The thesis I have been writing for the past 5 months is about South Park and the way Trey Parker and Matt Stone portray individual's use of virtuality in a negative way to demonize social networking via cyberspace. The project started off originally focusing on political cartoons and satire, and then moved into nudity and profanity used in these cartoons. The effects these cartoons have on our social framing, such as morality and ethical persuasion was interesting. I finally ended on South Park, because it allowed me to refine the project to two episodes, "Make Love Not Warcraft" and "You Have 0 Friends." These two episodes attempt to persuade their audience to not use social networking sites and virtual MMORPG by showing the negative effects they have on the individual, in terms of physical, emotional, psychological, financial, and moral.
Like I said, I spent countless hours researching it and find it enjoyable. I can finish the thesis on my own time, or at least that is an idea I am looking into at the moment. I figure if I graduate with the degree, it leaves me free to research, and publish my own work, which can be used for my Ph.D. applications. If I fail the thesis, I have to return in the fall to take the exams, but if I fail the exams, I would not have to return in the fall except to collect a check and turn in my thesis, which can be worked on during the summer in Chicago. I guess it sounds like I already made my decision, but I haven't. I am going tomorrow to speak to my department chair and pick his brain about the entire situation.
The financial aid situation is another thing. They are telling me that I am ineligible for the entire amount of money I was designated for because I am only taking 3 credit hours this semester. This is true, as I know from many years of dealing with this system, but the rules set in place from the Communication department state that Thesis II or the Comprehensive Exams are considered full-time because of the amount of work that is required to complete them. Financial Aid is supposed to recognize this, and pay me the monies as they would a full-time student. They originally said this was happening, but the past week I have been awaiting the monies and they have not arrived in my school account. So, I called them today, and was told that I would be receiving 3,000 dollars less than the original amount I was told. This creates a serious problem. I was already going to be heading home to Chicago broke with the extra 3,000 dollars, which means I will be swimming home to L.A. and hitchhiking to Chicago. Pretty much the same way I arrived here two years ago.
The entire situation as a whole is a bit disconcerting. I am totally beyond myself. I know it will work itself out as it is supposed to happen, but I spent so much money being here, and so much time doing my school work. I do not want it all to be for naught. Couple that with the fact my girlfriend and I are taking a break from our relationship. It adds another question mark in my future. She graduated in December, and is heading back to Europe for a bit. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life, which has caused serious headaches. We have been fighting for months and refusing to deal with ourselves. I love her, but if we stay together past this point, we will end up hating each other. That is not conducive to my future nor hers. Nor is it fair for us to stay together until we can work out our issues. I have my issues, always have, this is no surprise for my regular readers.
I want the best for her, and I want to be there for her if she needs me, but at the moment I got so much on my mind that I cannot give to the relationship. This is unfair to her, and she just can't understand the big picture or my position when I argue it. The break-up was not supposed to be for me to run around dating or sleeping around. It was a logical choice for us both to figure out what our lives mean, where we are going, and what we want to do. It is silly to believe that in the end we would hate or regret staying together. I would rather wait and see if the answers come to me in order to get the most out of being with her, and vice versa. Right now, we are two islands in an angry ocean, and until the tide subsides there can be no "us." However, I refuse to close the door with her, I will not say this is a permanent situation. I just know that time allows for a clearer mind and more rational choices. Remove the emotion, and the answers will present themselves. I know she wants to be with me, and I with her, but at the moment it is self-destructive and unhealthy. (damn therapy, why did I have to learn so much shit about myself?)
Keeping up with the theme, Karen and I should be divorced by next Friday. She went to court this past week, but the hearing was postponed. She is pregnant and happy, which makes the divorce more smooth in my mind. Another woman that I just want to see happy. I know I am a miserable son of a bitch, and I don't wish my misery to affect my ex-gfs/wife, but it has a tendency to do so. Ah well, the divorce should be finalized soon, so maybe its best I am single again. It might give me some perspective and I will have to do everything for myself instead of relying on another human being for comfort, solace, and company.
Well, I hope the school stuff works itself out, because today it is a huge problem. I just hope that I realize the path I must take. I wish you all the best, and thanks for listening.
Kenny
Politics in America! Dec. 7th, 2010
It is very disturbing to see the current atmosphere of America. I see the president of the U.S. traveling around on the campaign trail as if he were running for office. It is horrible to think our government has to shut down in order to try to persuade the American people.
The repeated comments from the White House staff, including the President, seems to be "Of course the people are angry with the current state of affairs, we have been through a financial crisis. People want jobs, and President Obama inherited this situation!" Well, I call BULLSHIT! Now show me your cards Pres.! That's what I thought, you have no cards to show because you spent all your good ones on Wall Street bailouts, Socialist health care, and mid-term elections.
Seeing my father lose 2 buildings in the housing market crash, then changing his political stance to be more Obama(liberal)-friendly because he saw "Change" as a possible solution. Well, in the midst of all that, he almost lost his 3rd house, "The Important House", which housed my family, such as my baby sister. Why? Well, the bailout of Wall Street didn't trickle down to the mass public. The banks, which caused this economic disaster, tightened their checkbooks. They refused to open up their newly filled coffers to the American people. Did Obama really think handing money to Wall Street big wigs would have created a solution? Who is footing the bill for that massive bailout, or better yet massive failure? We do, I do, my children, and grandchildren will!
Then comes the socialist health care plan, which was discussed during the election, so it was not a surprise to me when it happened. It was the speed of its passing through Congress and being signed into law that was disturbing. I think the failure of the Wall Street bailout forced the President to show the American people that Washington was working fervently for us. Well, that would be failure number 2. The entire quagmire of it backfired on Obama, hence where we stand now. Obama on the campaign trail for his cronies, trying to save himself from being a one hit wonder. He might have been better off as the mayor of Chicago, but not the President of the U.S. I have a right to voice my opinion here because I voted for Barr and Root, Libertarian Presidential candidates.
Well, with the election drawing close, the things I keep hearing and seeing on the news is Obama still deflecting blame on everyone but himself. Didn't he push for that Wall Street bailout? Socialist health care? Of course, they do keep saying the amount of jobs created vs. those lost has been becoming more and more manageable. Well, when we lost 1 full time job, and replace it with 2 part time jobs, it is NOT more. It is still less, the companies do not have to pay benefits or higher wages for part-timers. Not to mention, the new Obama-care is put on the American to people to pay, or out of their own pockets, and if not, then be fined and threatened with jail. Well at least in jail, socialism works well, the states pay for your health care, so why not?
This election was looking good for a third party system with the rise in The Tea Party. They have some good ideas, some good organization, but their candidates are way "right". A little too far right for me, I like the middle of the road, as any Libertarian should, the thing that worries me is swinging from far left with Obama to a far right with the Tea Party. Change that extreme will not end well for any of us. I just hope the American people wake up and see how important a 3 party system is for our country. When this 3 party system is in place, these extreme sides of political bases will have to compete, debate, and be held accountable for their intensely, misrepresented, and sometimes dangerous ideologies. Why can't I just decide what is best for me and my family, without being told by my government what is best?
Thanks for stopping by,
Kenny
Social Distortion "Don't Take Me For Granted" says it all! July 29th, 2010
I’m your worn in leather jacket
I’m the volume in your fucked up teenage band
A Pack of smokes and a six pack
I’m the dreams you had walkin’ down the railroad tracks
You and me
I’m your first taste of romance
I’m your first broken heart on a Saturday night
Guys like us ain’t got no chance
But I’m the thing that keeps you and me alive
But not forever
Chorus:
So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted
I’m the blood on your guitar
I’m that wave you caught back in 1975
I’m as strong as a thousand armies
I’m as soft as a petal on a long stem rose
I am love
Chorus: x 2
So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted
I’m with you when you’re born
You can take me when you die
With all the reasons why
But don’t take me for granted
No one knows
Don’t take me for granted
Social Distortion
"Don't Take me for Granted"
I’m the volume in your fucked up teenage band
A Pack of smokes and a six pack
I’m the dreams you had walkin’ down the railroad tracks
You and me
I’m your first taste of romance
I’m your first broken heart on a Saturday night
Guys like us ain’t got no chance
But I’m the thing that keeps you and me alive
But not forever
Chorus:
So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted
I’m the blood on your guitar
I’m that wave you caught back in 1975
I’m as strong as a thousand armies
I’m as soft as a petal on a long stem rose
I am love
Chorus: x 2
So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted
I’m with you when you’re born
You can take me when you die
With all the reasons why
But don’t take me for granted
No one knows
Don’t take me for granted
Social Distortion
"Don't Take me for Granted"
American Convict or The Great Adventures of Kalifornia Dave July 29th, 2010
I have figured out what makes me so like-able at times and hated at other times. Before I delve into this concept I would first like to ask some questions. Some of these questions are rhetorical, some should be answered, but either way, it helps to ask questions before writing. Do I come off as being intimidating? Do people think because my life is free and lived in the moment that I am always going to be a doormat? Has my past decisions and choices doomed from society and being able to take part in the progress of society? How often have you thought of me as many different people? Am I forever doomed to an eternity of loneliness? Or do I create the loneliness because it is comfortable to me? Is it possible to survey your own life in terms of everyone else and how they live theirs? Can hell exist in the present, as in are we living in a hell, which is why everyone goes to heaven upon death?
I know I am reaching with some of those questions. Some of them are really deep, and some are pretty shallow. I have realized in the past 24 hours how much of a problem I am to others that try to build relationships with me on an intimate level. The past year and a half has become something completely different in many ways, yet the same as it was 10 years ago. When I first left for Hawaii, I left Chicago with high hopes thinking I was embarking on something grand for myself and my future. At the time I was dating a woman named Connie. I fell in love with her more quickly than any other women since Beth. That said a lot about my mindset and emotional detachment from society over the years. Case in point, an ex-girlfriend was talking to me yesterday and she told me I am heart-breaker, and destined for an eternity of loneliness because I refuse to let people into my head or heart. I tried to argue that this was not true. I said, "I have let people in, but they all died!"
Her response to this was, "Well at least you have an excuse then to fall back on!" At first this statement didn't sink in, but after having some whiskey and beer last night and taking a very long walk through my old neighborhood, I understood what she means. I am a selfish bastard. A man that has gone through life taking what I want, and when I don't want it anymore moving on. A man that lived in the moment for so long that the moments become a blurred line of past realities. The realities have changed over the years, so have the faces, but my choices and life experiences follow a pattern of destructive behavior. I do not do anything mean on purpose, nor do I feel that the choices I make that affect others have an ulterior motive. At times, this is true, but most of the time, I am just looking at life through a shattered lens. My glasses were broken time and time again by disappointing choices that others made involving me.
I was never a heart-breaker growing up. Jason was that guy. He was the one that scored all the ladies in our early teen-age years. I was the nice guy that girls would say, "You are such a good friend, I don't think of you that way." Then, of course, there were my Aunt Tracy's friends that said, "I can't go out with you because your Tracy's nephew, and that would be weird." Yet the same girl that said that ended up dating the older brother of another friend, hence becoming a hypocrite. So at the age of 15, I changed my persona. I was rotten, but very nice to the ladies. I mean I fought a lot before 15, I knew how to react to the men/boys in my circles. The ladies, however, had me spinning like a top. I never knew how to act, and it showed. So the change was made over time. I became more about me, and did what I wanted to do for as long as it was fun. This freedom allowed me to have more and more ladies around me that liked that attitude. They embraced it, and it showed. After making those personal changes, I began to become an asshole to women. I did this because I saw that the men I hung out with were assholes that got laid all the time.
This change worked for me. The following 10 years got me laid so often and by so many beautiful women, that my theory was correct. It is not about who you are, but whom people think you are. I continued on that path until I fell in love with Katie Maki in 1995. That broke bad, and I was hurt considerably, so I had to resort back to my old behaviors. Then came my wife Karen, and we had an awesome time, but external circumstances such as her parents and a car accident forced that relationship into remission. Then came Beth, now that was a torrid love affair. After a few years, the love turned to hate. We began to hurt each other through words and actions over the years until her death in 2001. At that point, I had changed so many times that I truly didn't know who or what I was. Add a prison sentence, and countless days behind bars, and all the violence from the streets, I was bitter and jaded. The media didn't create the desensitization of my mind, but instead society did. I watched people get murdered on the streets, and in prison. I came out of prison with a very negative and bad attitude. So when Beth died, the fog surrounded me, and I embraced it. I became the most rotten, violent, and hard-core man. The level had reached its high-point in 2003 as I planned the most violent crime/score of my life. This crime would have been the death of me had it gotten off the ground. Luckily, I got arrested and was given an opportunity to change my life back to the way it was in the late 80s and early 90s.
That journey to changing back took over 2 years. I spent so much time in therapy, dealing with Beth dying, fixing my internal thinking mechanisms, trying to understand how to get back to living. And I finally did find it, it was living in the moment, as I had started so long ago. Except this time it was without drugs and alcohol and partying. This time was very different, and it worked. 5 years later, I was an author, an actor, a radio d.j., a filmmaker, a business owner, and I had managed to get my family back into my life. The family that turned their backs on me during my fall from Grace. This became quite a ride, yet during those times, I still lived and met women the same way I had always had. A lot of them fell in love with me, but I was incapable of loving anyone, I was still bitter from Beth's death and it showed. I started hitting the weights, starting building up my body to match up with my mind.
I found and met some wonderful women. Women I envisioned a long future with, but then things would happen. They have all tried to change me back to that caged animal. I am not that type of guy. I can't live in your future. I don't know how. I never liked money; as was stated many times in my blogs; and I don't understand how so many people base their lives on how much money they have. Nobody needs money to look at the forests and the fields. Now, I am not getting on hippie trip here, I am just saying that most people forget how nice the world is and everyone gets stuck in the daily grind. I am just as much part of this group as anyone. Since at times I find myself chasing the dollar. Then I wake up, like it was a bad dream. I remember how it used to be. This part of my life has been reinforced lately by some of the things that have happened to my father. He lost 2 properties and a huge chunk of his 401k due to the failed housing market and economy. Now the IRS might take his last property from him. A man who worked since he was 14, and saved and provided the entire time. Yet at the near end of his life, he has nothing left. Now here I am 18 years younger than him, and I have nothing in terms of money, but I do have a ton of memories, memories of travels, and strange faces I will probably never see again.
This type of lifestyle still continues today. I mean I live in Hawaii, and I do it with less money than people save for 10 years on a vacation there. I might not have all the answers for anyone else, but I do have a pretty good perspective on my own life. I don't need a lot of money to be happy. My mom raised me to understand how to be happy, poor. It is a way of life. I don't feel any differently about having a million dollars versus 1 dollar. Most of my friends and family could probably say I spent over a million dollars at this point, yet most of my friends haven't even gotten close to earning that much. So am I a rich man because I spent that much? Maybe, maybe not, but I am rich with the understanding that my life has been fulfilling to me.
Back to the Connie story, we broke up last March while I was in Hawaii. Too many things had happened to her while I was away at school. They happened so fast that she shut me out because I was 6000 miles away. I understand it now, but back then I was pissed off by the whole experience. After the anger passed, I started dating a girl I met in Hawaii. That lasted for a month, but I came home to more chaos. Johnny Law had posted a new warrant for me from a case from 1998. So I spent last summer on the run, and in the process I cut communication with the girl in Hawaii. It was for the best, I didn't see myself returning there, why? Because the money wasn't available...The MONEY!
Well, I solved the legal issue, and didn't find myself locked back up. During that process, I enrolled back at NEIU to finish up the M.A. degree I went to Hawaii for, but by the end of summer I found a way to return to Hawaii. With the help of that girl from Hawaii, and her mother, who believed in my smarts and skills as an academic, they got me back to the island to finish the schooling I started there. Another buddy of mine hooked me up with a room in his apartment for a cheap rent. And there I was, back in Hawaii, living for a lot less than if I had stayed in Chicago. Then we moved in Alex, our other roommate. Things were smooth for a while. I came home for the holidays, the girl that got me back out to Hawaii must have had selfish reasons to get me back there. She said it was for my future academics that is was done, but I think the truth is I had her in love with me. And she thought if I was close to her, then maybe we could re-connect what we had in the spring. At first, I wasn't thinking that way. In my mind, I had a wife and I was tired of feeling like I had two wives. So I made it clear that the deal was I pay back the travel there by doing good in school, and paying back the travel costs. I tried to do that, but Hawaii is expensive, even with cheap rent.
Well, after a few months of being there, her and I re-connected like she wanted. We took a trip to Big Island around Thanksgiving, and then she went home to Europe to see her family and I came back to Chicago to see mine at Christmas. I ended up here hanging out for a while, and then I took that trip to Boston with my Marine buddy. We had an awesome time on that road trip, and I returned to Hawaii, to pick up where my girl and I had left off. Things got worse between us because my living situation had changed. Alex turned out to be quite a handful. So I ended up feeling like I had a 23 year old child. I was putting out money for bills, and food, and other things that were not my responsibility. I was trying to keep things at an even keel. Well that all fell apart when we had our prison-like brawl the day before Alex went back to South Carolina. The cops were called, my laptop was broke, my blu-ray was broke, and I was disgusted every time I sat in my living room.
So I moved out for the last few weeks of school to my girl's house down the block. I sold my big screen tv to Walt, and just finished out the rest of the semester with the worst grades I have gotten yet since starting my grad studies 18 months ago. Too much had happened to me. So I figured why not just live with my new girl when we got back to the island after the summer. I made a pretty solid plan for the summer in Chicago. I wanted to sell my truck, put some money in the bank, and come home to play some poker. The living playing cards was pretty nice for a couple years in 06-08. I mean I made enough money to pay my bills, support my play, and have spending money. Well, I ended up selling my truck in May for less than I wanted too. I came home short-changed from where I wanted to be. Why? I figured it out, because I tried to plan it. I don't plan well, I live in the moment, and when I change that up, I end up failing.
So now, summer is almost over. My girl and I have been fighting for weeks now over finances. Now her parents want to stop helping her, and this in turn causes her to try and change the rules from last summer. Last summer there were no conditions for me to live by concerning my return to Hawaii. Yet I have realized that if I don't stay with her, then she won't return to finish her own studies. She says she will say in Europe and crawl into a hole. Now, my logic is why would she throw away 2 years of studies because we can't seem to get a long anymore because everything is about money now. I didn't return a year ago under the assumption that we would be together, so why would she not return now if we went our separate ways? It bothers me, that I would have such a negative effect on someone's future. Not to mention, because her parents are worried I am some kind of gold-digger. They seem to think I am with this girl because of what they own and how much money they have. hahahaha, fuck their money. I am tired of being manipulated by women who love me and want me to change to become their puppet in their life!
I say fuck it all. The original rules from last summer should apply, but they don't because her feelings are much stronger now. I love her, and I want to be with her, but I will not give up the way I live, the way of life that is right for me to make her think life is peachy. I get a check in September, and she bought my plane ticket in August.
She pushed my buttons yesterday again with the money conversation. I snapped. I broke my desk with my fist, my family all asked me what the hell happened since they heard a very loud pounding and finally a crash when everything flew off the desktop after smashing the keyboard drawer. My hand is all busted up, my anger has still not subsided. So, how do I move forward from here? What do I do? She doesn't listen to me when I tell her I don't want to continue to have the same conversation over finances that have no solutions at the moment. I get my check of 6,000 dollars in September, so without the money in hand, I don't see a need to discuss what I am supposed to do.
She keeps making it sound like I am her pet project, well guess what, I am not. Any of my ex-girlfriends' that still read my blogs can post whatever comments they want. You all know me, I do not compromise well in terms of finances or ways of life. I wish money and time didn't exist, it creates turmoil worldwide for far too many people. It also keeps that bourgeoisie and proletariat division in place. This is where I feel like I am. I feel like someone is trying to control my production, i.e. school. So, when I fight it, I get told its either this way or no way. Well, when my back is against the wall, I will usually take the shot to the head and say, "no way then"....I don't like ultimatums especially from women I am intimate with. Connie tried that with my drinking and partying in Hawaii. Nicole tried it with my poker playing. Theresa tried it with my living situation, she wanted someone to build a castle for her. Well, I may be chivalrous at times, but that wasn't one of those moments. Here I am, at another crossroads. The conversation yesterday with Amy was dead-on. She is happy now with a man and her three kids, and here I am still running through life leaving a wake of broken hearts.
It's not on purpose, and I am trying so hard to keep this relationship together. I do love this woman, and I want to see her happy, content, and secure. But what do I do when I can't make promises like that? What happens if I make those promises and I can't keep them? Doesn't that make me a liar? And through all this, am I changing? And if I am being changed by a woman, and this change is based upon money, then won't I be lying to myself over the long term? I may not be the best man in this world, nor am I perfect, and I definitely don't have the answers about a lot of relationship questions, but I have done extensive therapy, and I do know what works for me. Otherwise, if I go insane, which some of you have seen, is not good for me, society, you, anyone. If I reach the point of insanity again, I don't think I will return this time. I was able to come back from a point that most people have died at, yet I still stand here after Chief, Armando, Jason, Greg, Yost, Beth, Lewandowski, Mike, Paul, and the list goes on and on, that never made it back from that edge.
I will continue to live, and I will finish my studies in Hawaii regardless of what choices are made in the next few weeks between me and my girl. I am hoping for the best, but I am also expecting the worst. I do love her, and at this point, I still want to be with her, but not her money or parents, just her! I don't know if this is possible. We were going to live together this next semester too. I really don't know if I will be buying another ticket and sleeping on the beach, or whether we are going to move forward past this stalemate...With every question I get answered, 100 more are asked. The questions increase so much that I getting overwhelmed with what I am supposed to do. So for the moment I am just taking it very easy, breathing, and thinking and analyzing my life for the moment. I am not speechless obviously, but definitely confused on the direction I should be heading right now...Thanks for listening, so is this American Convict (my autobiography) or The Great Adventures of Kalifornia Dave (the other autobiography)? You decide!
Later
Kenny
I know I am reaching with some of those questions. Some of them are really deep, and some are pretty shallow. I have realized in the past 24 hours how much of a problem I am to others that try to build relationships with me on an intimate level. The past year and a half has become something completely different in many ways, yet the same as it was 10 years ago. When I first left for Hawaii, I left Chicago with high hopes thinking I was embarking on something grand for myself and my future. At the time I was dating a woman named Connie. I fell in love with her more quickly than any other women since Beth. That said a lot about my mindset and emotional detachment from society over the years. Case in point, an ex-girlfriend was talking to me yesterday and she told me I am heart-breaker, and destined for an eternity of loneliness because I refuse to let people into my head or heart. I tried to argue that this was not true. I said, "I have let people in, but they all died!"
Her response to this was, "Well at least you have an excuse then to fall back on!" At first this statement didn't sink in, but after having some whiskey and beer last night and taking a very long walk through my old neighborhood, I understood what she means. I am a selfish bastard. A man that has gone through life taking what I want, and when I don't want it anymore moving on. A man that lived in the moment for so long that the moments become a blurred line of past realities. The realities have changed over the years, so have the faces, but my choices and life experiences follow a pattern of destructive behavior. I do not do anything mean on purpose, nor do I feel that the choices I make that affect others have an ulterior motive. At times, this is true, but most of the time, I am just looking at life through a shattered lens. My glasses were broken time and time again by disappointing choices that others made involving me.
I was never a heart-breaker growing up. Jason was that guy. He was the one that scored all the ladies in our early teen-age years. I was the nice guy that girls would say, "You are such a good friend, I don't think of you that way." Then, of course, there were my Aunt Tracy's friends that said, "I can't go out with you because your Tracy's nephew, and that would be weird." Yet the same girl that said that ended up dating the older brother of another friend, hence becoming a hypocrite. So at the age of 15, I changed my persona. I was rotten, but very nice to the ladies. I mean I fought a lot before 15, I knew how to react to the men/boys in my circles. The ladies, however, had me spinning like a top. I never knew how to act, and it showed. So the change was made over time. I became more about me, and did what I wanted to do for as long as it was fun. This freedom allowed me to have more and more ladies around me that liked that attitude. They embraced it, and it showed. After making those personal changes, I began to become an asshole to women. I did this because I saw that the men I hung out with were assholes that got laid all the time.
This change worked for me. The following 10 years got me laid so often and by so many beautiful women, that my theory was correct. It is not about who you are, but whom people think you are. I continued on that path until I fell in love with Katie Maki in 1995. That broke bad, and I was hurt considerably, so I had to resort back to my old behaviors. Then came my wife Karen, and we had an awesome time, but external circumstances such as her parents and a car accident forced that relationship into remission. Then came Beth, now that was a torrid love affair. After a few years, the love turned to hate. We began to hurt each other through words and actions over the years until her death in 2001. At that point, I had changed so many times that I truly didn't know who or what I was. Add a prison sentence, and countless days behind bars, and all the violence from the streets, I was bitter and jaded. The media didn't create the desensitization of my mind, but instead society did. I watched people get murdered on the streets, and in prison. I came out of prison with a very negative and bad attitude. So when Beth died, the fog surrounded me, and I embraced it. I became the most rotten, violent, and hard-core man. The level had reached its high-point in 2003 as I planned the most violent crime/score of my life. This crime would have been the death of me had it gotten off the ground. Luckily, I got arrested and was given an opportunity to change my life back to the way it was in the late 80s and early 90s.
That journey to changing back took over 2 years. I spent so much time in therapy, dealing with Beth dying, fixing my internal thinking mechanisms, trying to understand how to get back to living. And I finally did find it, it was living in the moment, as I had started so long ago. Except this time it was without drugs and alcohol and partying. This time was very different, and it worked. 5 years later, I was an author, an actor, a radio d.j., a filmmaker, a business owner, and I had managed to get my family back into my life. The family that turned their backs on me during my fall from Grace. This became quite a ride, yet during those times, I still lived and met women the same way I had always had. A lot of them fell in love with me, but I was incapable of loving anyone, I was still bitter from Beth's death and it showed. I started hitting the weights, starting building up my body to match up with my mind.
I found and met some wonderful women. Women I envisioned a long future with, but then things would happen. They have all tried to change me back to that caged animal. I am not that type of guy. I can't live in your future. I don't know how. I never liked money; as was stated many times in my blogs; and I don't understand how so many people base their lives on how much money they have. Nobody needs money to look at the forests and the fields. Now, I am not getting on hippie trip here, I am just saying that most people forget how nice the world is and everyone gets stuck in the daily grind. I am just as much part of this group as anyone. Since at times I find myself chasing the dollar. Then I wake up, like it was a bad dream. I remember how it used to be. This part of my life has been reinforced lately by some of the things that have happened to my father. He lost 2 properties and a huge chunk of his 401k due to the failed housing market and economy. Now the IRS might take his last property from him. A man who worked since he was 14, and saved and provided the entire time. Yet at the near end of his life, he has nothing left. Now here I am 18 years younger than him, and I have nothing in terms of money, but I do have a ton of memories, memories of travels, and strange faces I will probably never see again.
This type of lifestyle still continues today. I mean I live in Hawaii, and I do it with less money than people save for 10 years on a vacation there. I might not have all the answers for anyone else, but I do have a pretty good perspective on my own life. I don't need a lot of money to be happy. My mom raised me to understand how to be happy, poor. It is a way of life. I don't feel any differently about having a million dollars versus 1 dollar. Most of my friends and family could probably say I spent over a million dollars at this point, yet most of my friends haven't even gotten close to earning that much. So am I a rich man because I spent that much? Maybe, maybe not, but I am rich with the understanding that my life has been fulfilling to me.
Back to the Connie story, we broke up last March while I was in Hawaii. Too many things had happened to her while I was away at school. They happened so fast that she shut me out because I was 6000 miles away. I understand it now, but back then I was pissed off by the whole experience. After the anger passed, I started dating a girl I met in Hawaii. That lasted for a month, but I came home to more chaos. Johnny Law had posted a new warrant for me from a case from 1998. So I spent last summer on the run, and in the process I cut communication with the girl in Hawaii. It was for the best, I didn't see myself returning there, why? Because the money wasn't available...The MONEY!
Well, I solved the legal issue, and didn't find myself locked back up. During that process, I enrolled back at NEIU to finish up the M.A. degree I went to Hawaii for, but by the end of summer I found a way to return to Hawaii. With the help of that girl from Hawaii, and her mother, who believed in my smarts and skills as an academic, they got me back to the island to finish the schooling I started there. Another buddy of mine hooked me up with a room in his apartment for a cheap rent. And there I was, back in Hawaii, living for a lot less than if I had stayed in Chicago. Then we moved in Alex, our other roommate. Things were smooth for a while. I came home for the holidays, the girl that got me back out to Hawaii must have had selfish reasons to get me back there. She said it was for my future academics that is was done, but I think the truth is I had her in love with me. And she thought if I was close to her, then maybe we could re-connect what we had in the spring. At first, I wasn't thinking that way. In my mind, I had a wife and I was tired of feeling like I had two wives. So I made it clear that the deal was I pay back the travel there by doing good in school, and paying back the travel costs. I tried to do that, but Hawaii is expensive, even with cheap rent.
Well, after a few months of being there, her and I re-connected like she wanted. We took a trip to Big Island around Thanksgiving, and then she went home to Europe to see her family and I came back to Chicago to see mine at Christmas. I ended up here hanging out for a while, and then I took that trip to Boston with my Marine buddy. We had an awesome time on that road trip, and I returned to Hawaii, to pick up where my girl and I had left off. Things got worse between us because my living situation had changed. Alex turned out to be quite a handful. So I ended up feeling like I had a 23 year old child. I was putting out money for bills, and food, and other things that were not my responsibility. I was trying to keep things at an even keel. Well that all fell apart when we had our prison-like brawl the day before Alex went back to South Carolina. The cops were called, my laptop was broke, my blu-ray was broke, and I was disgusted every time I sat in my living room.
So I moved out for the last few weeks of school to my girl's house down the block. I sold my big screen tv to Walt, and just finished out the rest of the semester with the worst grades I have gotten yet since starting my grad studies 18 months ago. Too much had happened to me. So I figured why not just live with my new girl when we got back to the island after the summer. I made a pretty solid plan for the summer in Chicago. I wanted to sell my truck, put some money in the bank, and come home to play some poker. The living playing cards was pretty nice for a couple years in 06-08. I mean I made enough money to pay my bills, support my play, and have spending money. Well, I ended up selling my truck in May for less than I wanted too. I came home short-changed from where I wanted to be. Why? I figured it out, because I tried to plan it. I don't plan well, I live in the moment, and when I change that up, I end up failing.
So now, summer is almost over. My girl and I have been fighting for weeks now over finances. Now her parents want to stop helping her, and this in turn causes her to try and change the rules from last summer. Last summer there were no conditions for me to live by concerning my return to Hawaii. Yet I have realized that if I don't stay with her, then she won't return to finish her own studies. She says she will say in Europe and crawl into a hole. Now, my logic is why would she throw away 2 years of studies because we can't seem to get a long anymore because everything is about money now. I didn't return a year ago under the assumption that we would be together, so why would she not return now if we went our separate ways? It bothers me, that I would have such a negative effect on someone's future. Not to mention, because her parents are worried I am some kind of gold-digger. They seem to think I am with this girl because of what they own and how much money they have. hahahaha, fuck their money. I am tired of being manipulated by women who love me and want me to change to become their puppet in their life!
I say fuck it all. The original rules from last summer should apply, but they don't because her feelings are much stronger now. I love her, and I want to be with her, but I will not give up the way I live, the way of life that is right for me to make her think life is peachy. I get a check in September, and she bought my plane ticket in August.
She pushed my buttons yesterday again with the money conversation. I snapped. I broke my desk with my fist, my family all asked me what the hell happened since they heard a very loud pounding and finally a crash when everything flew off the desktop after smashing the keyboard drawer. My hand is all busted up, my anger has still not subsided. So, how do I move forward from here? What do I do? She doesn't listen to me when I tell her I don't want to continue to have the same conversation over finances that have no solutions at the moment. I get my check of 6,000 dollars in September, so without the money in hand, I don't see a need to discuss what I am supposed to do.
She keeps making it sound like I am her pet project, well guess what, I am not. Any of my ex-girlfriends' that still read my blogs can post whatever comments they want. You all know me, I do not compromise well in terms of finances or ways of life. I wish money and time didn't exist, it creates turmoil worldwide for far too many people. It also keeps that bourgeoisie and proletariat division in place. This is where I feel like I am. I feel like someone is trying to control my production, i.e. school. So, when I fight it, I get told its either this way or no way. Well, when my back is against the wall, I will usually take the shot to the head and say, "no way then"....I don't like ultimatums especially from women I am intimate with. Connie tried that with my drinking and partying in Hawaii. Nicole tried it with my poker playing. Theresa tried it with my living situation, she wanted someone to build a castle for her. Well, I may be chivalrous at times, but that wasn't one of those moments. Here I am, at another crossroads. The conversation yesterday with Amy was dead-on. She is happy now with a man and her three kids, and here I am still running through life leaving a wake of broken hearts.
It's not on purpose, and I am trying so hard to keep this relationship together. I do love this woman, and I want to see her happy, content, and secure. But what do I do when I can't make promises like that? What happens if I make those promises and I can't keep them? Doesn't that make me a liar? And through all this, am I changing? And if I am being changed by a woman, and this change is based upon money, then won't I be lying to myself over the long term? I may not be the best man in this world, nor am I perfect, and I definitely don't have the answers about a lot of relationship questions, but I have done extensive therapy, and I do know what works for me. Otherwise, if I go insane, which some of you have seen, is not good for me, society, you, anyone. If I reach the point of insanity again, I don't think I will return this time. I was able to come back from a point that most people have died at, yet I still stand here after Chief, Armando, Jason, Greg, Yost, Beth, Lewandowski, Mike, Paul, and the list goes on and on, that never made it back from that edge.
I will continue to live, and I will finish my studies in Hawaii regardless of what choices are made in the next few weeks between me and my girl. I am hoping for the best, but I am also expecting the worst. I do love her, and at this point, I still want to be with her, but not her money or parents, just her! I don't know if this is possible. We were going to live together this next semester too. I really don't know if I will be buying another ticket and sleeping on the beach, or whether we are going to move forward past this stalemate...With every question I get answered, 100 more are asked. The questions increase so much that I getting overwhelmed with what I am supposed to do. So for the moment I am just taking it very easy, breathing, and thinking and analyzing my life for the moment. I am not speechless obviously, but definitely confused on the direction I should be heading right now...Thanks for listening, so is this American Convict (my autobiography) or The Great Adventures of Kalifornia Dave (the other autobiography)? You decide!
Later
Kenny
Life cracks me up...July 18th, 2010
I recently was contacted by my old friend Jimmie from the neighborhood. We went to see Candlebox and Soul Asylum in Indiana on Thursday. He is still with Tracy, also from the neighborhood. We drove to Indiana watched Candlebox; which sucked ass...They even censored their own music on stage. I guess since there were a lot of families there, they decided to not swear on stage, even though two of the songs that were hits in the 90s had swear words in the lyrics.
We stayed til the end of the show and started walking back towards my car, which I parked by Wolf Lake in the residential area to save the 15 bux the city was charging ppl to park at the venue. It was a fun time. We stopped and watched the only cloud in the sky change shapes and never move from its spot in the sky. We asked everyone that passed to tell us what they saw, sort of like looking at ink blocks at a psychiatrist's office. Everyone had something different that they saw. We sat there for a while, we met a couple musicians, that told us they were playing a show at The Refinery, a bar down the street in Whiting, IN. We said we would go to the show on Saturday since Everclear was playing that night at the festival.
So Saturday came along, and I went to pick up Jimmie and Tracy at a Bar-b-que they attended. Well, it turns out, Jimmie was so drunk he kept falling over, so I never made it to see Everclear or that other band The Refinery. However, I did get to meet some cool new ppl. The guy's house where the BBQ was is named Alan. I met his son A.J.; an up and coming musician; his neighbors Mike and Mike. A couple of Des Plaines Police Officers there to tell Alan to keep the music down.
The funny part of the night was watching Jimmie try to walk drunk. Everytime he stood up, he fell. I have never seen him that smashed as long as I have known him, and that is over 20 years. I laughed my ass off everytime it happened. And it happened quite frequently. He was all beat up, bruised, and bleeding. I think I also got them on board to take this Boston trip with me in 2 weeks.
Besides getting in touch with Jimmie and Tracy, I also have gotten in touch with Christian. If you can believe that, this summer is turning out to be quite interesting. Anyway, some ppl are up to the same ol' stuff, while others are embarking on new things and lifestyles. I also found out Psycho Karen died in November. That was a bit of a shocker to me, but those that keep messing with that dope, always find the final resting place quicker than the rest of us that gave it up.
So the adventures keep coming, but I just don't have the urge to keep writing them in a descriptive, author way. I am becoming complacent when it comes to writing down my interactions with the world. Maybe that will change and I will be able to finish my auto-biography, hopefully!
Alright, catch y'all on the flipside.
We stayed til the end of the show and started walking back towards my car, which I parked by Wolf Lake in the residential area to save the 15 bux the city was charging ppl to park at the venue. It was a fun time. We stopped and watched the only cloud in the sky change shapes and never move from its spot in the sky. We asked everyone that passed to tell us what they saw, sort of like looking at ink blocks at a psychiatrist's office. Everyone had something different that they saw. We sat there for a while, we met a couple musicians, that told us they were playing a show at The Refinery, a bar down the street in Whiting, IN. We said we would go to the show on Saturday since Everclear was playing that night at the festival.
So Saturday came along, and I went to pick up Jimmie and Tracy at a Bar-b-que they attended. Well, it turns out, Jimmie was so drunk he kept falling over, so I never made it to see Everclear or that other band The Refinery. However, I did get to meet some cool new ppl. The guy's house where the BBQ was is named Alan. I met his son A.J.; an up and coming musician; his neighbors Mike and Mike. A couple of Des Plaines Police Officers there to tell Alan to keep the music down.
The funny part of the night was watching Jimmie try to walk drunk. Everytime he stood up, he fell. I have never seen him that smashed as long as I have known him, and that is over 20 years. I laughed my ass off everytime it happened. And it happened quite frequently. He was all beat up, bruised, and bleeding. I think I also got them on board to take this Boston trip with me in 2 weeks.
Besides getting in touch with Jimmie and Tracy, I also have gotten in touch with Christian. If you can believe that, this summer is turning out to be quite interesting. Anyway, some ppl are up to the same ol' stuff, while others are embarking on new things and lifestyles. I also found out Psycho Karen died in November. That was a bit of a shocker to me, but those that keep messing with that dope, always find the final resting place quicker than the rest of us that gave it up.
So the adventures keep coming, but I just don't have the urge to keep writing them in a descriptive, author way. I am becoming complacent when it comes to writing down my interactions with the world. Maybe that will change and I will be able to finish my auto-biography, hopefully!
Alright, catch y'all on the flipside.
Reality Bites...Still a great movie even today!!!! July 3rd, 2010
Still home in Chicago. It is July 3rd, on the cusp of America's 234th birthday. The fireworks are popping around my neighborhood. I sat outside for a while watching them in the distance. It is a shame they canceled the Downtown fireworks this year. Well, actually they just broke it up into 3 smaller shows; 1 on the northside, 1 by Navy Pier, and 1 on the southside. It kind of sucks, since I have gone down there every year I have been home at this time in Chicago. I missed a few when I lived out west, but not many.
The past few weeks have been a blur. I quit my longtime Internet game Evony, I bought a car so I can find a job. It is a cool Ford Escort wagon. I paid 250 bucks for it, and it is a great car for the price. I went to another Shot Baker show last weekend, this time they played with D.O.A. I watched a girl and a guy get it on on top of a moving automobile around the venue, I went to Jeffest also last weekend, and met a couple of Polish guys that were wild as hell.
All in all, it has been quite a wild ride in Chicago so far. I dropped out of starting our media company. My partners just are not that into it anymore, so I am not carrying it on my shoulders. I have noticed that most of my old life is behind me. Including the people that consisted of my old life. Ever since I went to Hawaii, it is like out of sight out of mind I guess for most here. OH well, I am not going to lose any sleep over it, and it frees up my life to meet new people.
I have noticed that I am becoming more psychotic as I get older. My extremes are becoming more extreme. I truly understand Hunter Thompson, and how he lived. I enjoy it and not many people can live like I do. Do you know they are studying Ozzy Ozbourne? To see how he could handle all the drugs, alcohol, and partying he has done, and try to figure out why he is still alive! Maybe one day, they will do the same for me, God knows a lot of my friends' parents have asked me that...Considering their children were lost to that lifestyle.
Well, I thought I was in the mood to write a long blog today, but I guess I am not. I have many stories to tell as always. I keep meeting new people everyday, yet none of those meetings or conversations make me feel alive. I hope I find something to keep me occupied until August. I am truly bored of the human race, and there are few people that take it away...They are around, just busy like me...Tomorrow, I will help my father build a fence. It was supposed to be today, but life is what it is, usually put on hold for something more pressing.
Happy Birthday America!
Kenny
The past few weeks have been a blur. I quit my longtime Internet game Evony, I bought a car so I can find a job. It is a cool Ford Escort wagon. I paid 250 bucks for it, and it is a great car for the price. I went to another Shot Baker show last weekend, this time they played with D.O.A. I watched a girl and a guy get it on on top of a moving automobile around the venue, I went to Jeffest also last weekend, and met a couple of Polish guys that were wild as hell.
All in all, it has been quite a wild ride in Chicago so far. I dropped out of starting our media company. My partners just are not that into it anymore, so I am not carrying it on my shoulders. I have noticed that most of my old life is behind me. Including the people that consisted of my old life. Ever since I went to Hawaii, it is like out of sight out of mind I guess for most here. OH well, I am not going to lose any sleep over it, and it frees up my life to meet new people.
I have noticed that I am becoming more psychotic as I get older. My extremes are becoming more extreme. I truly understand Hunter Thompson, and how he lived. I enjoy it and not many people can live like I do. Do you know they are studying Ozzy Ozbourne? To see how he could handle all the drugs, alcohol, and partying he has done, and try to figure out why he is still alive! Maybe one day, they will do the same for me, God knows a lot of my friends' parents have asked me that...Considering their children were lost to that lifestyle.
Well, I thought I was in the mood to write a long blog today, but I guess I am not. I have many stories to tell as always. I keep meeting new people everyday, yet none of those meetings or conversations make me feel alive. I hope I find something to keep me occupied until August. I am truly bored of the human race, and there are few people that take it away...They are around, just busy like me...Tomorrow, I will help my father build a fence. It was supposed to be today, but life is what it is, usually put on hold for something more pressing.
Happy Birthday America!
Kenny
Some Free Time... Jun. 1st, 2010
So I have some free time at 3 AM on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010. I figured I might as well blog a bit. I am drinking my Grandfather Kirschnick's favorite drink, scotch; Cutty Sark, to be exact. I have had a very relaxing day, yet productive. There is a storm rolling through Chicago right now. A very violent, electrified storm, that is supposed to create flooding. I just stood outside thinking about what I was going to write. This is what it is...
I saw a couple raccoons tonight. The first was out before sunset, that is not normal. Usually they don't come out until after the sun sets, but this one was out scavenging for food early. The second was right before sunset, and it was at the fence looking at me while I smoked. I made a few loud noises, and it ran away. Seconds later it was in my neighbor's yard, I guess it had run around the garage over the fence and I saw it climb another fence, jump into a pine tree and scurry up into the branches. Just another few seconds later I saw my neighbor; the wife; come into view rolling her mountain bike into the yard. Now I had just scared the coon from the alley, she scared it from the yard, but thinking about it, I actually think it might have been looking for shelter. The storm was a few hours away, but animals always know when it is coming. Hence the early food gathering by the other coon a few hours earlier. Anyway, I can't say for certain, but this storm is thundering outside at the moment while I write this, so I do believe what I am writing is the truth.
As for the rest of life, well I did go out to those two concerts on Saturday. I went to see Shot Baker, and they are great as always. They played the Lincoln Hall theatre on Lincoln Ave. and Fullerton Ave. in Chicago. I had never been there; my buddy Tim Bauer says it is new; but it turned out to be a nice venue. They had $3 busch light tall boys, brings me back to my youth. The Smoking Popes were the headliners, and it was quite comical. There were a ton of people there; expecting I think to see Shot Baker have a similar sound, but no, that is not the case. Actually, Shot Baker is a new college punk band, while The Smoking Popes are an 80s style, early Emo band if you will, that capture the youth of a yesterday and a time when people saw only selfishness. The Smoking Popes broke the barriers of selfishness, sort of reminiscent of the 1960s. They had a lot of fans. Actually, some of the gutter punks/crusty punks I hung out with in the 80s and 90s like them, but never really would go to their shows. They are a Chicago band, and everyone into music, sports, movies, comedy, etc. from Chicago supports those that come from here. We are not a city divided by thoughts, only by color. You may think that is racist, just come live here, and you will see I am not saying anything far from the truth.
So the concert was good, but I had to live halfway through The Smoking Popes set. I started to realize how far from that time period I have traveled. I am beyond all the lyrics now. All the political, and communal mentality that was the epitome of their music. I went outside to smoke. Before leaving though, I took a few notes. I noticed that the fans were like maggots being born in a pile of shit. I looked around the venue. There were faces that were there for Shot Baker, but left after the first 2 or 3 songs because it wasn't their scene. Yet, as The Smoking Popes came on stage, the place filled up again. Of course it happened to be the first night of the Stanley Cup Finals, which happen to include The Chicago Blackhawks. The big screen was lowered over the stage in between bands. And I know that a lot of people were present before Shot Baker took the stage, but went outside the theatre to watch the game in the bar, when Shot Baker began to play and the screen was retracted for the concert. These people came back for The Smoking Popes. Was it because the game had ended before the headliners took the stage? Or were they die hard fans? I do not know, but the place filled up, and I remember thinking of maggots being born into a pile of cow dung. They clustered together looking for a way in or out, depending on their appetite. I guess the maggot metaphor is a person perception as the way I see the people in their non-committal lives. The way they huddle together looking for some solace through their peers and friends. I laugh at the simplistic ways these people choose to live their lives. A total waste of oxygen and D.N.A. A total slap in the face for the creator, even if I have stated many times my notion of a creator is a far cry from yours, it is still an meaningless existence.
So yes, I was a bit upset with the concert after Shot Baker played. And, no, it is not because I am a Shot Baker fan. Actually, my drinking probably made it hard for the band to even associate with me. Tony and Nat were outside talking to fans, but I was being obnoxious and my usual Kalifornia Dave self. I pushed the limits of their patience. Am I not good at this? Does this not push your own limits of sanity? And if that is the truth, have you not seen yourself become greater because of my lack of regard for the cliff we all choose to stand on the edge of?
Anyway, it was a good night there, Jason and Mario; whom I have not seen in over 3 years; picked me up. My cell phone had died while talking to Mario, and giving him directions. Luckily, two nice young girls asked me for a cigarette right before that, so I was able to finagle a phone call from their cell phone to Jason. Without that call, Jason and Mario would have headed to the 2nd concert without me. Thankfully, they found their way, and I jumped into Jason's ride, not realizing he had more than Mario with him. Mario yelled out the window; "Kenny"; as they drove past. I ran over to find Mario asking me where he could piss. It was a no-brainer, piss in the alley. So, Jason, Mario, the girl (whose name I can't remember), and the black dude (whose name I can't remember) ran off to piss, while I was left with a running vehicle on Lincoln Ave. They all came back, made some jokes about how hard-core the girl was for dropping her panties and pissing in between the dumpsters between the three guys. I just laughed, the laugh that says I understand, but I wasn't there, I am sure you are familiar...
I was in backseat with the girl and the black dude. Mario and Jason were up front. The funny thing is Jason had Mario bring out The Whiskey Rebels CD, which happens to be one of my favorites. The tunes rocked all the way to the second concert. Of course we caught up in between, "how are you?", "What have you been doing?", "How's life treating you?"...You know, all the conversational stuff that people do when they haven't seen each other in years. Of course, I immediately became an interest to the black dude and girl I was sharing the backseat with. They asked a ton of questions. She told me how she was an artist, a starving artist if you will, that dealt in photography. I laughed, and tried to be sympathetic. She asked me about my perceptions of life, and I told her I like to get fucked up and figure it out tomorrow. I was being vague, and the reason is, I didn't know her, or the other dude, good music was on the radio, and I wanted to hear what Mario and Jason had been up too. Hell, I lived with those two fuckers for a few years on Pontiac. And if you go back far enough in these blogs, you can see the chaos. And that is the last time I wrote about them. So it was important for me to see how things had changed, or not changed.
Well, this trip ended abruptly, I had to piss, and luckily we arrived at the next venue. Mario yelled out the window at a crowd of people standing in front, and they yelled back, obviously these were his friends. Well, these friends were mainly Skinheads. Yes, Mario had been on the fringes of that mentality, but years have gone by since I seen him, and I see now how ingrained he is in this society. It was never my scene, I was always a punk, never a Skin, but Mario, he always loved the music. Such as Minor Threat, a great straight-edge band, but their notions of what society was supposed to be mirrors a bit of European Fascism, that was never my style. So there I was standing on the forefront of a personal battle. I was wearing my signature black, like Johnny Cash. I had on my VooDoo Glow Skulls hoodie, my Shot Baker T-shirt, my black mechanics pants, and my black Chuck Taylor's. I was the man in black, maybe not wearing it to Cash's satisfaction, but I felt comfortable with myself, thus if trouble was to happen, then so be it.
I told Jason to pull over after Mario's hanging out the car window yelling incident. Jason, at first was like, "let me park" but knew what he would be asking if he pushed it further. He pulled over, I jumped out the back seat, and ran for the alley. I pissed, laughed, and thanked my God for allowing me to NOT piss in my pants. Hell, I already told you I was drinking heavily through 3 bands at the first show. So I came out of the alley, saw the four people that picked me up heading my way. We all made it to the door at the same time. Jason, Mario, the chick, the black dude all knew everyone hanging out front. The first guy, comes up to me and asks me where I am from, and what I believe in. Now I am familiar with American Skins, and I know he was implying this, so I immediately said, "I am not a Skin, I am who I am, and I am from where I came from..." He looked at me crazy, then came in and hugged me. He told me he had just gotten into town yesterday from L.A. and was happy to see someone not trying to act his way through the show. I realized then, that I had agreed to come to a Skinhead show. I just thought it would be hardcore, but as this guy gave me hug (which I didn't reciprocate) I looked around and saw the shaved heads of every guy, and the shaved backs and sides of every female head outside. I was at Skinhead show, do you walk away at that point? Not me! I pushed through, without even flinching. If they didn't like my knowledge then too bad. Now, let me say, most of them were not the racist kind, these were honor Skins, based upon British working class Skins from the 80s and 90s. There is a huge difference in the types of Skins that walk this Earth. Now I could spend days researching it and trying to explain it, but most of the ones I met on Saturday were just working class, thinking they got a bad shake because of big business.
I went in, immediately went to the bar to ask what the specials were because I knew I was going to have to be shit-faced in order to deal with some of the people that were there. Not to mention, I didn't know anything about the bands playing. The place was packed. Everyone gave me a dirty look as I went from one side of the bar to the other. I even looked at some of the women dead in their eyes as they stared at me. I played the Alpha dog role, not looking away until they did. I was not going to back down, and I knew if I did, the women have a lot of control over their men in these environments. One little phrase, such as, "That guy looked at me wrong" or "He just stepped on my foot" or "Why is that guy staring at me?" kind of comments to the wrong boyfriend, and I would be finding myself on Ashland and Lake St. in Chicago defending myself against another man's ego. That is not really where I wanted to be, so I stared down a few chicks, knowing full well I was in control.
I drank a few shots of Jameson (it was on special), and then hit the PBR for $3 12oz. The bands were very good, actually I expected much less, but I was definitely surprised. I actually put my phone, keys, wallet, and smokes in one of my secure pockets within my mechanics pants. I jumped into that pit with full force. I felt the energy of the bands, and I didn't hold back. Throughout the course of the night I was able to talk with Jason and Mario one-on-one. That was the real reason for coming out, I hadn't seen either one for years. I lived with both of them for a couple years before that, these guys were family, and I was happy to see them still breathing. We are all a bunch of lunatics, and it definitely was worth it. Mike Galvin showed up after I was so drunk I couldn't stand up straight. I said, "what's up" to him, and we talked for a few minutes, he is more of the racist Skinhead I was referring to earlier. I don't respect that mentality, nor associate with it, but he is good friends with Jason and Mario, and we used to be friends before he realized I don't see the world as he does. Anyway, I knew it was time for me to go. I said goodbye to Mario, and I couldn't find Jason, so I just left.
I walked 5 miles back to my car. It was smart since I need to sober up. I walked down Ashland to Fullerton and up Fullerton to Orchard where I was parked. I am saying this because I am ending this blog, and want to continue writing another day. I passed an all black bar, I had my shirt off, and the only comments I got from people I passed was pertaining to my back tattoos. They knew and could tell where life had taken me, at first moving towards them, they tried or thought I was weak, after passing them, I had respect. IT was apparent, it is not some imaginative idea I thought of, but it truly was an energy. I have learned that the strong only pick on the weak, and if a strong person picks on a strong person it is only a test to see if they are strong. Once that is out in the open, there is no more testing. It is an Alpha-Beta world, the question is, where do u stand in it?
All in all it was a great night, now I have to go smoke.
later,
Kenny
I saw a couple raccoons tonight. The first was out before sunset, that is not normal. Usually they don't come out until after the sun sets, but this one was out scavenging for food early. The second was right before sunset, and it was at the fence looking at me while I smoked. I made a few loud noises, and it ran away. Seconds later it was in my neighbor's yard, I guess it had run around the garage over the fence and I saw it climb another fence, jump into a pine tree and scurry up into the branches. Just another few seconds later I saw my neighbor; the wife; come into view rolling her mountain bike into the yard. Now I had just scared the coon from the alley, she scared it from the yard, but thinking about it, I actually think it might have been looking for shelter. The storm was a few hours away, but animals always know when it is coming. Hence the early food gathering by the other coon a few hours earlier. Anyway, I can't say for certain, but this storm is thundering outside at the moment while I write this, so I do believe what I am writing is the truth.
As for the rest of life, well I did go out to those two concerts on Saturday. I went to see Shot Baker, and they are great as always. They played the Lincoln Hall theatre on Lincoln Ave. and Fullerton Ave. in Chicago. I had never been there; my buddy Tim Bauer says it is new; but it turned out to be a nice venue. They had $3 busch light tall boys, brings me back to my youth. The Smoking Popes were the headliners, and it was quite comical. There were a ton of people there; expecting I think to see Shot Baker have a similar sound, but no, that is not the case. Actually, Shot Baker is a new college punk band, while The Smoking Popes are an 80s style, early Emo band if you will, that capture the youth of a yesterday and a time when people saw only selfishness. The Smoking Popes broke the barriers of selfishness, sort of reminiscent of the 1960s. They had a lot of fans. Actually, some of the gutter punks/crusty punks I hung out with in the 80s and 90s like them, but never really would go to their shows. They are a Chicago band, and everyone into music, sports, movies, comedy, etc. from Chicago supports those that come from here. We are not a city divided by thoughts, only by color. You may think that is racist, just come live here, and you will see I am not saying anything far from the truth.
So the concert was good, but I had to live halfway through The Smoking Popes set. I started to realize how far from that time period I have traveled. I am beyond all the lyrics now. All the political, and communal mentality that was the epitome of their music. I went outside to smoke. Before leaving though, I took a few notes. I noticed that the fans were like maggots being born in a pile of shit. I looked around the venue. There were faces that were there for Shot Baker, but left after the first 2 or 3 songs because it wasn't their scene. Yet, as The Smoking Popes came on stage, the place filled up again. Of course it happened to be the first night of the Stanley Cup Finals, which happen to include The Chicago Blackhawks. The big screen was lowered over the stage in between bands. And I know that a lot of people were present before Shot Baker took the stage, but went outside the theatre to watch the game in the bar, when Shot Baker began to play and the screen was retracted for the concert. These people came back for The Smoking Popes. Was it because the game had ended before the headliners took the stage? Or were they die hard fans? I do not know, but the place filled up, and I remember thinking of maggots being born into a pile of cow dung. They clustered together looking for a way in or out, depending on their appetite. I guess the maggot metaphor is a person perception as the way I see the people in their non-committal lives. The way they huddle together looking for some solace through their peers and friends. I laugh at the simplistic ways these people choose to live their lives. A total waste of oxygen and D.N.A. A total slap in the face for the creator, even if I have stated many times my notion of a creator is a far cry from yours, it is still an meaningless existence.
So yes, I was a bit upset with the concert after Shot Baker played. And, no, it is not because I am a Shot Baker fan. Actually, my drinking probably made it hard for the band to even associate with me. Tony and Nat were outside talking to fans, but I was being obnoxious and my usual Kalifornia Dave self. I pushed the limits of their patience. Am I not good at this? Does this not push your own limits of sanity? And if that is the truth, have you not seen yourself become greater because of my lack of regard for the cliff we all choose to stand on the edge of?
Anyway, it was a good night there, Jason and Mario; whom I have not seen in over 3 years; picked me up. My cell phone had died while talking to Mario, and giving him directions. Luckily, two nice young girls asked me for a cigarette right before that, so I was able to finagle a phone call from their cell phone to Jason. Without that call, Jason and Mario would have headed to the 2nd concert without me. Thankfully, they found their way, and I jumped into Jason's ride, not realizing he had more than Mario with him. Mario yelled out the window; "Kenny"; as they drove past. I ran over to find Mario asking me where he could piss. It was a no-brainer, piss in the alley. So, Jason, Mario, the girl (whose name I can't remember), and the black dude (whose name I can't remember) ran off to piss, while I was left with a running vehicle on Lincoln Ave. They all came back, made some jokes about how hard-core the girl was for dropping her panties and pissing in between the dumpsters between the three guys. I just laughed, the laugh that says I understand, but I wasn't there, I am sure you are familiar...
I was in backseat with the girl and the black dude. Mario and Jason were up front. The funny thing is Jason had Mario bring out The Whiskey Rebels CD, which happens to be one of my favorites. The tunes rocked all the way to the second concert. Of course we caught up in between, "how are you?", "What have you been doing?", "How's life treating you?"...You know, all the conversational stuff that people do when they haven't seen each other in years. Of course, I immediately became an interest to the black dude and girl I was sharing the backseat with. They asked a ton of questions. She told me how she was an artist, a starving artist if you will, that dealt in photography. I laughed, and tried to be sympathetic. She asked me about my perceptions of life, and I told her I like to get fucked up and figure it out tomorrow. I was being vague, and the reason is, I didn't know her, or the other dude, good music was on the radio, and I wanted to hear what Mario and Jason had been up too. Hell, I lived with those two fuckers for a few years on Pontiac. And if you go back far enough in these blogs, you can see the chaos. And that is the last time I wrote about them. So it was important for me to see how things had changed, or not changed.
Well, this trip ended abruptly, I had to piss, and luckily we arrived at the next venue. Mario yelled out the window at a crowd of people standing in front, and they yelled back, obviously these were his friends. Well, these friends were mainly Skinheads. Yes, Mario had been on the fringes of that mentality, but years have gone by since I seen him, and I see now how ingrained he is in this society. It was never my scene, I was always a punk, never a Skin, but Mario, he always loved the music. Such as Minor Threat, a great straight-edge band, but their notions of what society was supposed to be mirrors a bit of European Fascism, that was never my style. So there I was standing on the forefront of a personal battle. I was wearing my signature black, like Johnny Cash. I had on my VooDoo Glow Skulls hoodie, my Shot Baker T-shirt, my black mechanics pants, and my black Chuck Taylor's. I was the man in black, maybe not wearing it to Cash's satisfaction, but I felt comfortable with myself, thus if trouble was to happen, then so be it.
I told Jason to pull over after Mario's hanging out the car window yelling incident. Jason, at first was like, "let me park" but knew what he would be asking if he pushed it further. He pulled over, I jumped out the back seat, and ran for the alley. I pissed, laughed, and thanked my God for allowing me to NOT piss in my pants. Hell, I already told you I was drinking heavily through 3 bands at the first show. So I came out of the alley, saw the four people that picked me up heading my way. We all made it to the door at the same time. Jason, Mario, the chick, the black dude all knew everyone hanging out front. The first guy, comes up to me and asks me where I am from, and what I believe in. Now I am familiar with American Skins, and I know he was implying this, so I immediately said, "I am not a Skin, I am who I am, and I am from where I came from..." He looked at me crazy, then came in and hugged me. He told me he had just gotten into town yesterday from L.A. and was happy to see someone not trying to act his way through the show. I realized then, that I had agreed to come to a Skinhead show. I just thought it would be hardcore, but as this guy gave me hug (which I didn't reciprocate) I looked around and saw the shaved heads of every guy, and the shaved backs and sides of every female head outside. I was at Skinhead show, do you walk away at that point? Not me! I pushed through, without even flinching. If they didn't like my knowledge then too bad. Now, let me say, most of them were not the racist kind, these were honor Skins, based upon British working class Skins from the 80s and 90s. There is a huge difference in the types of Skins that walk this Earth. Now I could spend days researching it and trying to explain it, but most of the ones I met on Saturday were just working class, thinking they got a bad shake because of big business.
I went in, immediately went to the bar to ask what the specials were because I knew I was going to have to be shit-faced in order to deal with some of the people that were there. Not to mention, I didn't know anything about the bands playing. The place was packed. Everyone gave me a dirty look as I went from one side of the bar to the other. I even looked at some of the women dead in their eyes as they stared at me. I played the Alpha dog role, not looking away until they did. I was not going to back down, and I knew if I did, the women have a lot of control over their men in these environments. One little phrase, such as, "That guy looked at me wrong" or "He just stepped on my foot" or "Why is that guy staring at me?" kind of comments to the wrong boyfriend, and I would be finding myself on Ashland and Lake St. in Chicago defending myself against another man's ego. That is not really where I wanted to be, so I stared down a few chicks, knowing full well I was in control.
I drank a few shots of Jameson (it was on special), and then hit the PBR for $3 12oz. The bands were very good, actually I expected much less, but I was definitely surprised. I actually put my phone, keys, wallet, and smokes in one of my secure pockets within my mechanics pants. I jumped into that pit with full force. I felt the energy of the bands, and I didn't hold back. Throughout the course of the night I was able to talk with Jason and Mario one-on-one. That was the real reason for coming out, I hadn't seen either one for years. I lived with both of them for a couple years before that, these guys were family, and I was happy to see them still breathing. We are all a bunch of lunatics, and it definitely was worth it. Mike Galvin showed up after I was so drunk I couldn't stand up straight. I said, "what's up" to him, and we talked for a few minutes, he is more of the racist Skinhead I was referring to earlier. I don't respect that mentality, nor associate with it, but he is good friends with Jason and Mario, and we used to be friends before he realized I don't see the world as he does. Anyway, I knew it was time for me to go. I said goodbye to Mario, and I couldn't find Jason, so I just left.
I walked 5 miles back to my car. It was smart since I need to sober up. I walked down Ashland to Fullerton and up Fullerton to Orchard where I was parked. I am saying this because I am ending this blog, and want to continue writing another day. I passed an all black bar, I had my shirt off, and the only comments I got from people I passed was pertaining to my back tattoos. They knew and could tell where life had taken me, at first moving towards them, they tried or thought I was weak, after passing them, I had respect. IT was apparent, it is not some imaginative idea I thought of, but it truly was an energy. I have learned that the strong only pick on the weak, and if a strong person picks on a strong person it is only a test to see if they are strong. Once that is out in the open, there is no more testing. It is an Alpha-Beta world, the question is, where do u stand in it?
All in all it was a great night, now I have to go smoke.
later,
Kenny
The itinerary for tonight May 29th, 2010
Shot Baker and Smoking Popes at Lincoln Hall (new venue, never been, should be cool) at 8 PM.
Then I am going to try and meet up with Jason Markersteinowitzenberg and Mari-0 at Cobra Lounge for a 10 PM show. Should be fun. Haven't seen either one of those guys in years.
This week, looks to be a promising week, I have a few invites for parties, and a few social gatherings concerning my company, etc. So things seem to be picking up, far cry from yesterday's blog, thankfully I got some rest, because I probably wouldn't have the energy.
Later
Then I am going to try and meet up with Jason Markersteinowitzenberg and Mari-0 at Cobra Lounge for a 10 PM show. Should be fun. Haven't seen either one of those guys in years.
This week, looks to be a promising week, I have a few invites for parties, and a few social gatherings concerning my company, etc. So things seem to be picking up, far cry from yesterday's blog, thankfully I got some rest, because I probably wouldn't have the energy.
Later
Been Awhile May 28th, 2010
I should have written more since March, but life has been so exhausting that I have not had the time or energy to sit down on blog about life, my life, your life, life in general...
"You got to go through Hell before you get to Heaven"
April was a rotten month. I was involved in a fist fight with my roommate Alex and his buddy Tiago. Those two really got their ass handed to them. It was out of control, and I don't really remember all of it, but it was a Battle Royale in my living room in Waikiki. He moved out that night, or actually was thrown out by the cops. He tried to file a battery charge against, but the cops were not believing his side of the story. He stiffed me on half the rent and over $200 in utility bills for April. That was what the fight was really about. IF you choose to live under my roof, even as an equal not a dependent, then you pay your bills. And you buy your own groceries. People should never take my kindness for a weakness. He never returned the keys and I had a feeling he handed them over to one of his idiot friends. So I packed up my stuff and moved to my girlfriend's house. I ended up living there until May 21st when I came home to Chicago. She is back in Germany now, but it helped me to get to know her, and see her in a different light.
My divorce has been filed, not finalized yet, but at least the paperwork is done. That was a fun time, a great story for my auto-biography, and hopefully I am able to write it before I die. I will always love you Karen, and with that love I want you to seek and find the happiness that I was never able to provide. Good luck.
On that note, I am not in good spirits lately. After returning home from this absolutely horrible semester in Hawaii, I realize my patience is wearing thin. I am out of energy, and for the next few weeks I think I am just going to lay around in my pajamas in my bed, watching paint peel listening to classic rock. I don't know if I will be able to write my auto-biography, hell I am so close to finishing Simplicity: The Jack Henderson Story, but I am out of motivation and solace. I lost my way somewhere between 2007 and 2008. The only good thing to come out of the past 18 months in my eyes is Claudia. She is an awesome woman, someone I am lucky to have in my corner, but as many of you know me, someone I perceive as being held back my childish and obnoxious way of life. I am out of answers for the moment. I need to do some soul searching. I need to ask myself questions, and seek out the answers. I fear if I don't I am as good as dead and soul-less.
My body is also falling apart, which doesn't help my perceptions or feelings. My neck is really messed up, as it was last year at this time. I went to the hospital last year to have it fixed, but I cannot afford it this year. The left side of my neck went awry a few weeks ago, and today, the right side is now in the same state. I am losing mobility with my neck, hopefully it gets better and not worse. My lungs are failing, everything the doctors told me in 2000 about my lungs filling up with fluid is coming true. I cough all day, spit up chunks of lung tissue and phlegm. I guess I should send the Reaper my itinerary, since I might be taking a voyage to see him soon.
Positives: With every negative there should be a positive, I don't want any of my readers calling to have me committed. I put up the website for Original Thought Media.
originalthoughtmedia.com
We are working through the bugs this summer, and maybe that will pull me out from my negative state of mind, maybe???
Dave and I are meeting for lunch on Tuesday, and we will hash out the details. I have to finish my Simplicity, but I cannot definitively say when. I am still planning on going to Boston to apply for the next stage of school. I was thinking Harvard, hey if you do something do it BIG! Harvard Ph.D. degree would allow me to do whatever I want and get paid. We all I know I do what I want, but this time I would be getting paid.
On another note I have a question, how does a person who steals watches (not a dope fiend) wear those watches in pictures on Facebook? How is this possible? Are you a fucking idiot? My old roommate stole two of my watches when the cops threw him out, and then went back to Myrtle Beach, and has since been photographed wearing them. Now, the people in Hawaii wanted me to file a letter stating this so they could get him fired in Myrtle Beach, and my cop sister wanted me to file a police report to have his ass arrested...hmmmm....I could say Karma is a bitch, or I could say maybe our paths will cross sometime in the future. Maybe next week, maybe in 10 years, but some things have a tendency of working themselves out. I am a man that never really relied on material things for happiness. I relied on love and harmony, and got screwed there, I guess I should not rely on anything including myself. Since I have even been known to fail myself at times.
As for right now, it is Memorial Day Weekend here in the U.S. Tomorrow my Aunt Mary and her husband Mark are moving to Wisconsin. My dad wanted me to go out there and say goodbye to them. But I say fuck all. Those were a couple of the family members that took a very hard stance against me during my heroin days. Not that tough love wasn't called for at the time, but not the way they did it. They filed charges against me and prosecuted me in court. Family should never take other family members to court, it just aint right. And the funny thing is, my aunt actually stole from my Dad when they were kids, and she hated me for doing the same thing. Anyway, my Dad forgave me over the past 8 years for all the chaos in 90s. But some of my family still had something to say about it, so my Dad even told them to even let it go, or fuck off. Well, they said they let it go, but when I have seen them at family parties it is not the case. There are others like that even on my mother's side of the family. These people go through life judging, but when those judgments turn out wrong in the long term aspect, they don't know what to do. So they keep judging you for the past, and in so doing remove themselves from current life. I don't care, I am not concerned with people, family, etc. that need to justify their behaviors based on my behaviors. That is sort of counter-productive. I forgot to put my dishes away 10 years ago, so that means don't invite me over for dinner next week??? I hope you see my exaggeration as just a metaphor for the current situation. So as for helping my aunt and uncle move tomorrow, ummmm...???? NO! Fuck off! If you don't move on, why should I?
I am the one who the did the time for my past crimes. I went down for long enough, spent enough time in rehab, therapy, lost a gf to suicide, numerous friends to overdoses and car crashes, etc. I don't have time for 2nd rate family members that live in a closed world of past memories that rejuvenate their anger on a daily basis. IT is like racism, just ignorance with the inability of moving forward. Now I am at the point of just rambling, so maybe I should quit. I probably wouldn't even understand some of this shit if I re-read it.
Oh and one more point before I get off my soap box. If you called me, emailed me, left a message on some networking site, etc. while I was in Hawaii to ask me when I was coming home, and now that I am home the same people are not returning my calls??? If you fit this category, Go Fuck Yourself! Don't bother returning the call now assholes! I am done with a lot of things, and one of my new projects is downsizing people from my memory banks. I don't want you since you take up space, and that space is needed for my own selfishness...Just tired of the phone calls to ask when I am coming home, and then get home to find nobody around and nobody wants to return a phone call that I make to tell them I am home...I don't give a fuck how busy you are, I made these phone calls last weekend, and here it is a week now I have been home. Have you called me? Have you texted me to say you were busy? Is life too much for you? Then go get a gun and take yourself out, actually I don't care what you do, just don't bother me with the excuse of why you are acting this way when you get around to picking up the phone in the next couple of months...Maybe it is because I live in Hawaii and you only wish you could at least come visit...Oh well, suck it up, need a tissue?
Alright, there is my update, I am becoming more and more like Hunter S. Thompson every day that passes. My literary style and my inner thoughts are becoming more violent and extravagant and I am not afraid to express them anymore. Brutal honesty worked when I was sober, and guess what? It works even better drunk!
Hope all is well with those I love, and you know who you are!
Later,
Kenny
"You got to go through Hell before you get to Heaven"
April was a rotten month. I was involved in a fist fight with my roommate Alex and his buddy Tiago. Those two really got their ass handed to them. It was out of control, and I don't really remember all of it, but it was a Battle Royale in my living room in Waikiki. He moved out that night, or actually was thrown out by the cops. He tried to file a battery charge against, but the cops were not believing his side of the story. He stiffed me on half the rent and over $200 in utility bills for April. That was what the fight was really about. IF you choose to live under my roof, even as an equal not a dependent, then you pay your bills. And you buy your own groceries. People should never take my kindness for a weakness. He never returned the keys and I had a feeling he handed them over to one of his idiot friends. So I packed up my stuff and moved to my girlfriend's house. I ended up living there until May 21st when I came home to Chicago. She is back in Germany now, but it helped me to get to know her, and see her in a different light.
My divorce has been filed, not finalized yet, but at least the paperwork is done. That was a fun time, a great story for my auto-biography, and hopefully I am able to write it before I die. I will always love you Karen, and with that love I want you to seek and find the happiness that I was never able to provide. Good luck.
On that note, I am not in good spirits lately. After returning home from this absolutely horrible semester in Hawaii, I realize my patience is wearing thin. I am out of energy, and for the next few weeks I think I am just going to lay around in my pajamas in my bed, watching paint peel listening to classic rock. I don't know if I will be able to write my auto-biography, hell I am so close to finishing Simplicity: The Jack Henderson Story, but I am out of motivation and solace. I lost my way somewhere between 2007 and 2008. The only good thing to come out of the past 18 months in my eyes is Claudia. She is an awesome woman, someone I am lucky to have in my corner, but as many of you know me, someone I perceive as being held back my childish and obnoxious way of life. I am out of answers for the moment. I need to do some soul searching. I need to ask myself questions, and seek out the answers. I fear if I don't I am as good as dead and soul-less.
My body is also falling apart, which doesn't help my perceptions or feelings. My neck is really messed up, as it was last year at this time. I went to the hospital last year to have it fixed, but I cannot afford it this year. The left side of my neck went awry a few weeks ago, and today, the right side is now in the same state. I am losing mobility with my neck, hopefully it gets better and not worse. My lungs are failing, everything the doctors told me in 2000 about my lungs filling up with fluid is coming true. I cough all day, spit up chunks of lung tissue and phlegm. I guess I should send the Reaper my itinerary, since I might be taking a voyage to see him soon.
Positives: With every negative there should be a positive, I don't want any of my readers calling to have me committed. I put up the website for Original Thought Media.
originalthoughtmedia.com
We are working through the bugs this summer, and maybe that will pull me out from my negative state of mind, maybe???
Dave and I are meeting for lunch on Tuesday, and we will hash out the details. I have to finish my Simplicity, but I cannot definitively say when. I am still planning on going to Boston to apply for the next stage of school. I was thinking Harvard, hey if you do something do it BIG! Harvard Ph.D. degree would allow me to do whatever I want and get paid. We all I know I do what I want, but this time I would be getting paid.
On another note I have a question, how does a person who steals watches (not a dope fiend) wear those watches in pictures on Facebook? How is this possible? Are you a fucking idiot? My old roommate stole two of my watches when the cops threw him out, and then went back to Myrtle Beach, and has since been photographed wearing them. Now, the people in Hawaii wanted me to file a letter stating this so they could get him fired in Myrtle Beach, and my cop sister wanted me to file a police report to have his ass arrested...hmmmm....I could say Karma is a bitch, or I could say maybe our paths will cross sometime in the future. Maybe next week, maybe in 10 years, but some things have a tendency of working themselves out. I am a man that never really relied on material things for happiness. I relied on love and harmony, and got screwed there, I guess I should not rely on anything including myself. Since I have even been known to fail myself at times.
As for right now, it is Memorial Day Weekend here in the U.S. Tomorrow my Aunt Mary and her husband Mark are moving to Wisconsin. My dad wanted me to go out there and say goodbye to them. But I say fuck all. Those were a couple of the family members that took a very hard stance against me during my heroin days. Not that tough love wasn't called for at the time, but not the way they did it. They filed charges against me and prosecuted me in court. Family should never take other family members to court, it just aint right. And the funny thing is, my aunt actually stole from my Dad when they were kids, and she hated me for doing the same thing. Anyway, my Dad forgave me over the past 8 years for all the chaos in 90s. But some of my family still had something to say about it, so my Dad even told them to even let it go, or fuck off. Well, they said they let it go, but when I have seen them at family parties it is not the case. There are others like that even on my mother's side of the family. These people go through life judging, but when those judgments turn out wrong in the long term aspect, they don't know what to do. So they keep judging you for the past, and in so doing remove themselves from current life. I don't care, I am not concerned with people, family, etc. that need to justify their behaviors based on my behaviors. That is sort of counter-productive. I forgot to put my dishes away 10 years ago, so that means don't invite me over for dinner next week??? I hope you see my exaggeration as just a metaphor for the current situation. So as for helping my aunt and uncle move tomorrow, ummmm...???? NO! Fuck off! If you don't move on, why should I?
I am the one who the did the time for my past crimes. I went down for long enough, spent enough time in rehab, therapy, lost a gf to suicide, numerous friends to overdoses and car crashes, etc. I don't have time for 2nd rate family members that live in a closed world of past memories that rejuvenate their anger on a daily basis. IT is like racism, just ignorance with the inability of moving forward. Now I am at the point of just rambling, so maybe I should quit. I probably wouldn't even understand some of this shit if I re-read it.
Oh and one more point before I get off my soap box. If you called me, emailed me, left a message on some networking site, etc. while I was in Hawaii to ask me when I was coming home, and now that I am home the same people are not returning my calls??? If you fit this category, Go Fuck Yourself! Don't bother returning the call now assholes! I am done with a lot of things, and one of my new projects is downsizing people from my memory banks. I don't want you since you take up space, and that space is needed for my own selfishness...Just tired of the phone calls to ask when I am coming home, and then get home to find nobody around and nobody wants to return a phone call that I make to tell them I am home...I don't give a fuck how busy you are, I made these phone calls last weekend, and here it is a week now I have been home. Have you called me? Have you texted me to say you were busy? Is life too much for you? Then go get a gun and take yourself out, actually I don't care what you do, just don't bother me with the excuse of why you are acting this way when you get around to picking up the phone in the next couple of months...Maybe it is because I live in Hawaii and you only wish you could at least come visit...Oh well, suck it up, need a tissue?
Alright, there is my update, I am becoming more and more like Hunter S. Thompson every day that passes. My literary style and my inner thoughts are becoming more violent and extravagant and I am not afraid to express them anymore. Brutal honesty worked when I was sober, and guess what? It works even better drunk!
Hope all is well with those I love, and you know who you are!
Later,
Kenny
school is slowly killing me... Mar. 18th, 2010
Here I am roughly 9 months away from my M.A. I am looking forward to graduating in December and moving back to the mainland. I am thinking of moving to Boston to apply for my Ph.D. there. I also have finished writing Simplicity, but still have to update the file with the new edits. I am hoping for a May publishing date. It has been long awaited. I am also a little concerned with Washington and this Health Care Plan. I think this is a failure, and should not be passed. Socialism is not what America needs at this point. I think we are heading in the wrong direction. I say vote for Matt Reichel in 5th district in Chicago this fall. He is running for the Green Party. We need to keep supporting our 3rd party candidates in order to change the 2 party system concerning the presidency. Life is becoming a bit exciting, but I still feel like this island is an isolation for my mental state, and I do not want isolation right now. Alright, that is a quick update, and I am trying to write more, hopefully I can keep this cycle going. I will talk to you all very soon.
Later
Later
Give me your opinions Mar. 13th, 2010
The most important recent event has left its permanent mark on my soul. I was pierced and poked almost to death. The scars left over appear to be some kind of alien creature able to be frozen and rise again after feeling warmth. I thought it was some kind of weird sadistic dream my sub-conscious had thought of, but no I was dead wrong. I was not emotionally distraught, nor plagued with some disturbance from an extra-terrestrial source. I want to be crazy, and say lock me up, give me some Demerol, but I would be lying and manipulating the doctors. Of course this seems to be quite normal in today's Hollywood society. I will not succumb to those antics, they are the weak path, and only results in self-destruction, which I quite capable of doing by myself.
The being that made me bleed was named Wando! He was a character in as much as the character he left on my back. A large man, a man that believed and followed the Harley religion almost fanatically. Now I have never followed this belief, but know many who have. Many like my old neighbor Pete from Pontiac, that wild eyed aging man with no sense of right and wrong, only right and Pete's way. Well, Wando fit this same description. I thought he was doing me a favor when he played some good ol' rockabilly and put a western on the tele. I looked at him with wide eyes and joy, the kind you see in a baby's face when it gets it first taste of sugar.
He said, "Kenny, sit down there."
I said, "How's it looking?" to which he replied, "I am not quite sure, I am not wearing my glasses."
The sweat glistened on my forehead from those little pokes to the spine. Wait a minute I thought to myself, I didn't want a spinal tap. My mind drifted off to cure the nausea that was quickly approaching with those salty drops of water leaving my pores. I began to think of Katie, good ol' Katastrophe, Miss Cain as some of you may know her. That eastern Euro girl who loved my blood line more than me. I thought of that time, she was behind me poking away with her needle of death and color...
"Hey, Kenny, you need a cigarette break?" Wando spewed.
I was broken from my trance, and thought for a second, well it has only been a half hour since this pain dealer started his torture on the canvas, but what the hell.
"Yeah sure, how much more we got to do?" I replied and popped another question just to pretend like I had been there mentally the whole time...
"Just the shading."
"Cool." I walked past the mirror on my way out of the back area of that color strewn shop full of naked women riding dragons, snakes, and pictures of Johnny Cash. I looked at the new image, that creature I spoke of earlier...He stood there on the moon and tried to take a shot at the dragon. I quickly left the mirror before the fight between the two escalated. I reached in the pocket and grabbed a cigarette from the pack, stepped out into that bright Hawaiian sun, shirtless, and a bit dizzy. I figured the cigarette would intensify that feeling, maybe to the point I would fall into the street face first. It wouldn't have been so bad since the tourists would have at least seen my investment. The ultimate yet unfinished soon to be addition to the masterpiece I call my life.
I smoked that cigarette to the butt, military dressed the tobacco and put the butt in my back pocket. I stepped back into the dark cave where Wando resided in the daytime. My eyes adjusted, and I took a few glances around at those lizards and breasts that covered the walls...
"You ready?" Wando quipped from behind his towering wall of security.
I walked through the tight corridor to the back of the cave, and took my seat once more. It didn't take but another fifteen minutes until the pain subsided. The second sitting was not as stomach wrenching as the first, but I felt damn good, when it was done. I got off that seat, walked over to the mirror, and there it was, in full blown awesomeness. There it sat above the dragon, waiting to strike, that creature I have lived up to all my life. The scorpion sits there on top of that Scorpio sign, trying to sting that dragon. The other being I have lived so proudly as for years. The two egos fighting one another for control of my mind. I wish it was an outside force trying to invade, it would give me a reason to destroy something, but destroying myself seems counter-productive. A type of suicide that I am not willing to partake upon today, nor tomorrow it seems.
The back is coming together, and with that I say farewell my friends, because I have two beasts fighting a war right now, so I must referee, dare I say I have a third ego...???!!!
The being that made me bleed was named Wando! He was a character in as much as the character he left on my back. A large man, a man that believed and followed the Harley religion almost fanatically. Now I have never followed this belief, but know many who have. Many like my old neighbor Pete from Pontiac, that wild eyed aging man with no sense of right and wrong, only right and Pete's way. Well, Wando fit this same description. I thought he was doing me a favor when he played some good ol' rockabilly and put a western on the tele. I looked at him with wide eyes and joy, the kind you see in a baby's face when it gets it first taste of sugar.
He said, "Kenny, sit down there."
I said, "How's it looking?" to which he replied, "I am not quite sure, I am not wearing my glasses."
The sweat glistened on my forehead from those little pokes to the spine. Wait a minute I thought to myself, I didn't want a spinal tap. My mind drifted off to cure the nausea that was quickly approaching with those salty drops of water leaving my pores. I began to think of Katie, good ol' Katastrophe, Miss Cain as some of you may know her. That eastern Euro girl who loved my blood line more than me. I thought of that time, she was behind me poking away with her needle of death and color...
"Hey, Kenny, you need a cigarette break?" Wando spewed.
I was broken from my trance, and thought for a second, well it has only been a half hour since this pain dealer started his torture on the canvas, but what the hell.
"Yeah sure, how much more we got to do?" I replied and popped another question just to pretend like I had been there mentally the whole time...
"Just the shading."
"Cool." I walked past the mirror on my way out of the back area of that color strewn shop full of naked women riding dragons, snakes, and pictures of Johnny Cash. I looked at the new image, that creature I spoke of earlier...He stood there on the moon and tried to take a shot at the dragon. I quickly left the mirror before the fight between the two escalated. I reached in the pocket and grabbed a cigarette from the pack, stepped out into that bright Hawaiian sun, shirtless, and a bit dizzy. I figured the cigarette would intensify that feeling, maybe to the point I would fall into the street face first. It wouldn't have been so bad since the tourists would have at least seen my investment. The ultimate yet unfinished soon to be addition to the masterpiece I call my life.
I smoked that cigarette to the butt, military dressed the tobacco and put the butt in my back pocket. I stepped back into the dark cave where Wando resided in the daytime. My eyes adjusted, and I took a few glances around at those lizards and breasts that covered the walls...
"You ready?" Wando quipped from behind his towering wall of security.
I walked through the tight corridor to the back of the cave, and took my seat once more. It didn't take but another fifteen minutes until the pain subsided. The second sitting was not as stomach wrenching as the first, but I felt damn good, when it was done. I got off that seat, walked over to the mirror, and there it was, in full blown awesomeness. There it sat above the dragon, waiting to strike, that creature I have lived up to all my life. The scorpion sits there on top of that Scorpio sign, trying to sting that dragon. The other being I have lived so proudly as for years. The two egos fighting one another for control of my mind. I wish it was an outside force trying to invade, it would give me a reason to destroy something, but destroying myself seems counter-productive. A type of suicide that I am not willing to partake upon today, nor tomorrow it seems.
The back is coming together, and with that I say farewell my friends, because I have two beasts fighting a war right now, so I must referee, dare I say I have a third ego...???!!!
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