It's been a while since I blogged anything, but usually in times of distress it is good to write out my thoughts.
I at another crossroads in life. I am in my last semester of my M.A. in Hawaii, and now financial aid is starting to change the rules. The money available is not enough to live in Hawaii for a full semester, so I made plans to finish my thesis early and leave the island. This was a good plan, and I am halfway finished with my thesis. The problem is that I can only afford to stay here until mid-March at the latest. Now the other option for me is to take my comprehensive exams, which are given in mid-March. If I pass the written and oral exams, I get my degree. This seems like the smartest decision, but I wanted the thesis in case I decide to pursue my Ph.D.
A few months ago I decided to take off a year before applying so I could pay down my student loans, and get some stability back in my life. Truth be told, school has become boring and I am unmotivated to finish the work. The exams will not be a problem because I have learned enough at HPU to satisfy any questions thrown at me. I am able to argue any position, for or against, in terms of mediation, Dramatism, media theories like remediation, film criticism, group communication, virtuality, etc. I know the exams would be the easy road, and would allow me to finish in the timeframe I have set. BUT it forces me to not have a thesis, which would be needed if/when I apply for Ph.D. programs.
The thesis I have been writing for the past 5 months is about South Park and the way Trey Parker and Matt Stone portray individual's use of virtuality in a negative way to demonize social networking via cyberspace. The project started off originally focusing on political cartoons and satire, and then moved into nudity and profanity used in these cartoons. The effects these cartoons have on our social framing, such as morality and ethical persuasion was interesting. I finally ended on South Park, because it allowed me to refine the project to two episodes, "Make Love Not Warcraft" and "You Have 0 Friends." These two episodes attempt to persuade their audience to not use social networking sites and virtual MMORPG by showing the negative effects they have on the individual, in terms of physical, emotional, psychological, financial, and moral.
Like I said, I spent countless hours researching it and find it enjoyable. I can finish the thesis on my own time, or at least that is an idea I am looking into at the moment. I figure if I graduate with the degree, it leaves me free to research, and publish my own work, which can be used for my Ph.D. applications. If I fail the thesis, I have to return in the fall to take the exams, but if I fail the exams, I would not have to return in the fall except to collect a check and turn in my thesis, which can be worked on during the summer in Chicago. I guess it sounds like I already made my decision, but I haven't. I am going tomorrow to speak to my department chair and pick his brain about the entire situation.
The financial aid situation is another thing. They are telling me that I am ineligible for the entire amount of money I was designated for because I am only taking 3 credit hours this semester. This is true, as I know from many years of dealing with this system, but the rules set in place from the Communication department state that Thesis II or the Comprehensive Exams are considered full-time because of the amount of work that is required to complete them. Financial Aid is supposed to recognize this, and pay me the monies as they would a full-time student. They originally said this was happening, but the past week I have been awaiting the monies and they have not arrived in my school account. So, I called them today, and was told that I would be receiving 3,000 dollars less than the original amount I was told. This creates a serious problem. I was already going to be heading home to Chicago broke with the extra 3,000 dollars, which means I will be swimming home to L.A. and hitchhiking to Chicago. Pretty much the same way I arrived here two years ago.
The entire situation as a whole is a bit disconcerting. I am totally beyond myself. I know it will work itself out as it is supposed to happen, but I spent so much money being here, and so much time doing my school work. I do not want it all to be for naught. Couple that with the fact my girlfriend and I are taking a break from our relationship. It adds another question mark in my future. She graduated in December, and is heading back to Europe for a bit. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life, which has caused serious headaches. We have been fighting for months and refusing to deal with ourselves. I love her, but if we stay together past this point, we will end up hating each other. That is not conducive to my future nor hers. Nor is it fair for us to stay together until we can work out our issues. I have my issues, always have, this is no surprise for my regular readers.
I want the best for her, and I want to be there for her if she needs me, but at the moment I got so much on my mind that I cannot give to the relationship. This is unfair to her, and she just can't understand the big picture or my position when I argue it. The break-up was not supposed to be for me to run around dating or sleeping around. It was a logical choice for us both to figure out what our lives mean, where we are going, and what we want to do. It is silly to believe that in the end we would hate or regret staying together. I would rather wait and see if the answers come to me in order to get the most out of being with her, and vice versa. Right now, we are two islands in an angry ocean, and until the tide subsides there can be no "us." However, I refuse to close the door with her, I will not say this is a permanent situation. I just know that time allows for a clearer mind and more rational choices. Remove the emotion, and the answers will present themselves. I know she wants to be with me, and I with her, but at the moment it is self-destructive and unhealthy. (damn therapy, why did I have to learn so much shit about myself?)
Keeping up with the theme, Karen and I should be divorced by next Friday. She went to court this past week, but the hearing was postponed. She is pregnant and happy, which makes the divorce more smooth in my mind. Another woman that I just want to see happy. I know I am a miserable son of a bitch, and I don't wish my misery to affect my ex-gfs/wife, but it has a tendency to do so. Ah well, the divorce should be finalized soon, so maybe its best I am single again. It might give me some perspective and I will have to do everything for myself instead of relying on another human being for comfort, solace, and company.
Well, I hope the school stuff works itself out, because today it is a huge problem. I just hope that I realize the path I must take. I wish you all the best, and thanks for listening.
Kenny
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