My name is David Daley, I am running for a seat in the senate of this Great State of Illinois. I want to thank you all for coming out tonight and donating your time and money to my campaign. Everyone has told me I am the underdog in the upcoming election. I do not believe it, and let me tell you why you are going to vote for me. Let me tell you why I am going to win. Let me tell you the truth.
First on my agenda, I am going to put more money in consumer's bank accounts by stopping high gas prices. Sure you ask how can he do that? Well, my plan is to ban all vehicles in the State of Illinois. If no one drives then no one has to worry about high gas prices. We will be the fittest State in this Great Union.
Second, I say let's put soda machines back into the schools. Kids need sugar for imagination. Imagination produces dreams of a better future. Our kids need these dreams to teach them that disappointments are part of your future. Not being able to attain those dreams is a much-needed learning tool for our young people.
Finally, I will get every Illinoisan a job. Our government has tried time and time again to lower the unemployment rates, but I have a solid plan of attack to accomplish this feat. I want to repeal all cigarette tax. This will allow more people to smoke, and therefore die earlier. Let's face it, the problem is not that there isn't enough jobs. The problem is there is too many people. I say let them smoke, and our future State economy will be stronger and better.
Vote for me, David Daley, and even if you don't I am still going to win, because my uncle, Mayor Daley, said he would pull some strings.
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