Never say never... July 26th, 2009

As I sit here and type these words I am reminded by the fact I said I was never going to spend another minute in an 8x10 concrete cell.  Well, so much for that.  I guess I jinxed myself.  This is the final countdown to my extended stay.  As much as I would love for things to be different; they are what they are.  I am sure you can count on me blogging my experience when I return home, but until then I am left with my thoughts.  I cannot begin to tell you how my thinking is progressing into the negative.  Kenneth Burke believes that everyone starts in the negative so they can achieve what they set out to do as agents.  I agree, but didn't when I first started studying Burke earlier this year.  I have found that a person truly does see the negative.  For example, I see my old life as that of my Uncle's.  Once I thought it was cool, but now it is an example that I don't want to follow or see for myself.  This negative is my basis for doing better.  I don't want to be an ex-convict anymore.  I don't wear my criminal exploits on my arm like a badge of honor like I used too.  I don't tell people my past to make them think I am cool because I did time.

As a matter of fact, those men I shared over a year of my life with are still doing time.  Some were murderers, thieves, arsonists, pedophiles, rapists, etc.  They all had something very serious in their past.  I am not saying any of them were guilty, because it is a taboo to say that to someone who is locked up.  Everyone is innocent.  Actually everyone but me.  I was guilty.  I did sell drugs, I did use drugs, and I did the time for my crimes against our society.  In other countries, I might not have had to do any time, then again in other countries I might have gotten a life sentence or the death penalty.  Cultures vary from region to region, but here I stand in the U.S.A. and I had to do my time for being a kid who loved to party.  Jefferson Park, Mayfair, Albany Park, Roselle, Glendale Heights, Hanover Park, Bartlett, Palatine, Arlington Heights, to name a few places where the party was exactly what brought the kids together.  I just happened to be in all those places.  I moved so much that I was attracted to those things because of no foundation in life.  This is not an excuse, it is the truth.  The argument nature vs. nurture does not apply here.  I did what I did knowing fully the consequences.  I cannot say I was innocent.  I WAS a convict.

Now, I am not.  I am an academic.  I still have my problems.  Actually I have more now because I try to do the right thing.  At times that mentality sets me behind because I am NOT just trying to fuck over people.  I am just trying to fix my life and make it better than it was yesterday.  Well, I figured I would blog my thoughts for today.  What I have to face in the very near future is a strange situation, and I could use your prayers if you are religious, tell me good luck if you are superstitious, and just keep good thoughts if you are spiritual.  Tis' life and I accept that.

Kenny