Changes Oct. 8th, 2009

Since life is very unpredictable, I am forced at times to make significant changes at various intervals throughout my 33 years of existence.  These changes do not infer a changing of my ideology, sociology, or commitment to myself on an overall basis.  Rather, I am in a constant state of (e)motion.  This motion does not imply moving from any specific destination.  It does imply that adjustments have to be made during or on my current course/direction.  This information is only being reflected upon for a personal understanding of the person "I" am.  Even though the self, the "I", or the other can be argued to mean many different things in many different disciplines, but for this blog, it means, "me".

I left Chicago in September.  This is not something new, but instead saying something better would be correct.  I set out to search for greater understanding in terms of "life".  Now, "life" carries many meanings for many people.  For me, "life" is what "I" see, what "I" feel, and how "I" proceed to deal with it.

I didn't come to Hawaii to be married.  Actually I came to get divorced from my current wife.  However, I am in an interpersonal relationship that is affecting my intrapersonal viewpoints/relationship.  As stated above, I didn't come here to get married again; or better yet to marry a 2nd woman while still being married.  Not only is that illegal, but would be very stupid on my part.  Yet, I am feeling like I am married times two.  At this point, my brain is being chained by conformity and social norms.  My summer in Chicago was not a great time.  Actually, it could be considered a negative balance on my accounting sheet of "life".  It is definitely a liability in terms of my "life," and with that being said it affects my thinking patterns today.  This is only one of many issues that I am dealing with.  The interpersonal situation along with other issues are becoming quite a strain on my mental capacity.  I am deadlocked for a solution.  Hence the change I am initiating.

So here I am feeling like I am living in two marriages.  Any ex-girlfriend can and will tell you I am not a very nice person in confinement, or at least a perceived confinement.  I do not like the way I feel!  This does not mean I don't feel or I dislike my significant "other(s)".  Instead, they should know that my feelings for them are deep and heartfelt.  I just cannot decipher, explain, or analyze what those feelings mean today.  This is another of the issues I spoke of earlier.  This is an internal issue.  "I" feel this way about myself, the situation, and the "life" I live, but do not confuse this with a lack of emotional involvement.  That would be a falsehood.  My emotional attachment to my wife, and other women does not make me a bad person because I live in the truth.  The truth is what I want, what I search for, how I want to live, and to decipher the truth from my own life in hopes of living a more pure life.

This whole blog is in DIRECT correlation with change and the changes "I" am currently implementing.  I am going to quit smoking, slow down the drinking, and slow down my interpersonal commitments.  I need to step back from my current reality and decide if this is my "true" path, or if it is a construct of my conscience/sub-conscience.  This is why I am writing this blog.  I have begun the construction project and already I have been given flak and disdain from others.  This is understandable given the circumstances.  However, my sanity and well-being are more important than others' thoughts, feelings, and perceived ideologies of how I should be.  This is after all, my "life", and in order to make "I" better, "I" must make these adjustments.

At this point I am a bit confused myself.  Therefore, it would be unproductive to antagonize, question, and goad me into a verbal explanation.  I do not have an agenda at this stage, I just know I have to do it.  When I figure it out and have an agenda or timetable to follow then my readers will be the first to know.  I can say I am taking a break from the non-routine.  I am going to focus on the "one foot in front of the other" analogy.  I am going to do what is required and nothing more.  If you ask what this means, then I will simply reply, "I don't know myself."

So, this is the journey of "life".  This is the "I", the "me", the "self", and the "other" that I constantly read about.  Instead of researching, analyzing, and observing it, I have chosen to learn from it.  I just hope people will be able to put aside their anger, sarcasm, and personal feeling during this construction period of change.  I can only ask people use logic to understand my point of view.  If people cannot, then my relationships will probably take negative downturns, thus implementing a different course.  This would mean more changes, except under those pressures they would probably become more severe and swift.  That is something I don't want to see happen today.  These changes have to be subtle and slow going, otherwise they will not become successful.  I am not capable of failing at this.  Failure means death.  My sickness is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.  My breathing is becoming very labored lately.  My headaches are becoming more and more frequent and more painful.  My brain is definitely oxygen deprived.  I feel it when I am thinking or trying to concentrate.  I know my lung capacity has to be at or lower than 60 percent by now.  I refuse to go back to the doctor for them to tell me I am dying or something silly.  I will just assume that changes will prolong and help me.

So, beyond the smoking, why else am I doing this?  That is the right question.  I have been drinking too much lately as the pain and confusion increase in my brain.  With that happening, I have said too many things to certain people while drunk that bother me when I am sober.  I say things when I am drunk because of the fear of being eternally lonely.  I say things that are true, but it is the sub-conscious truth.  The truth my id wants to convey.  I do not want to be lonely, and I do want children.  I also believe my feelings for certain people are true, but I am not going to hurt anyone in the process while I try to figure out what those feelings mean.  I am becoming increasingly angry, bitter, and anti-social.  This is not a good place for me to be.  Instead, I want to free myself from myself.

I am hoping that decreasing my consumption of harmful toxins will allow my health to rebound.  In that process, I will also reflect more and more.  Hopefully, this will create more blogs, efficient school work, and a more responsible way of life.  I have not been blogging much lately out of fear that the contexts will be misconstrued or taken out of context.  I do not like living in fear when it comes to my personal feelings or my words.  I would rather have these words printed, and just deal with whatever situations arise from them.  But I don't want to hurt anyone in the process.  This issues are all intrapersonal.  They are my issues, and I am at another crossroads in my "life", but it is up to me to decide in what direction to head from here.

The bottom line and conclusion is that this upcoming weekend will be a fireworks display.  The world as I know it will crumble and burn.  I just hope the phoenix will rise again with more power and understanding of "life" in the process.  These words have been written, let it be said, let it be done!

Thanks for reading, and too all my readers, I am sorry I have not been around much this summer. 

Tis "Life"!

Later,
Kenny