eyelashes, pennies with heads, and luck... Aug. 10th, 2009

DISCLAIMER:  This blog is not going to be very PG, so for the faint of heart, just stop here and save yourself the trouble.


The title of this blog really means that the eyelash wishes, pennies on the ground that are heads up, and luck have gone south for the winter.  I think it is a nuclear winter at that, probably not returning to my neck of the woods for at least a few years.  The year of 2009, worse than any other year so far in my life.  Now, you are probably thinking wasn't 2001 bad, and I would say, yes it was, but I don't remember all of it due to self-medicating.  I remember everything from this year.  I am unable to find solution after solution in terms of my life issues.  My apologies and "sorry"s are not going to cut it any longer.  I am not in control of my life.  I don't believe I was ever in control actually.  I have hit the last stop on this train.  I either get off, or wait for the next inbound train.  I am unsure of what to do.  I have lost the will to move forward.  I don't have the energy, and the bad times will not part.  I cannot overcome any more ill will or bad luck at the moment.  I am truly giving up.  I surrender wholeheartedly, I am waving the white flag.  Please do not keep shooting at me...

I could go into detail about my experiences as of late, but that is pointless.  This blog is just a vent.  A rant, a way for me to get some rather disturbing thoughts out of my head in order to function as a human being.  I don't even feel human anymore.  I have become a ghost again, where society does not see me.  Everywhere I walk, and everything I do is just a figment of someone else's imagination.  I don't have it anymore to keep pushing back at life.  I have been pushing for years, and I thought I was making progress.  But I don't see any changes or differences.  I will now put a song here and then continue afterwards...

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone


"Adam's Song" by Blink 182

Whose fault is this?  I can truthfully say it is mine, but for years I never knew the rules.  I made my own, and in the past 5 years I tried to play by the rules.  I keep failing.  The hits keep coming.  I am in a boxing match with God, and he is beating me senseless at this point.  I am waiting for the bell to ring so I can have a seat and take a breather.  God is crushing my skull with all the problems.  I can't get it right.  I am just giving up the fight.  Throw in the towel I am done.  Bench me, I am benched, gonna ride the pine for a while.

I am thinking I am going to take a trip.  I don't know where, nor do I have any money, but I think I might just hitchhike my ass right out of town.  I don't care where I go, who picks me up, or how long it takes to get there.  I don't think I am going to be able to attend school in fall.  Actually it is a coin flip at this point.  And if I don't figure it out by tomorrow, I might as well just pack it up and take off for a while.  I know there are people counting on me and I made some promises, but I can't keep my word.  It is beyond me...There are no more chances for me.  Thankfully I am not suicidal, otherwise that would be done right now.  But I am not, I will survive this, but it is not going to be without a few more scars.  Mental ones, maybe some physical ones, but definitely scars!

This blog might be confusing to some, clear to others, and yet the bottom line is it has to be written on a Monday night.  A night like any other, but dark day in a long line of many.  I have reached the epicenter of my sanity.  I see there is no more energy in my brain, no more solutions, no more thoughts.  I am disconnecting from life, I am pulling the life support system.  I have thought myself right out of life and I don't want to think anymore.  It hurts my head, the headaches are more frequent and more painful.  The sleep is intermittent, the whole situation is just a dark rain cloud.  It is raining on me constantly, and I can't break the cycle.  I am just going to ride out the storm from the distance.

The corner of the room is where I stand, been pushed to this point.  I take full responsibility for my actions and the things I am unable to fulfill for others.  I take it all on these shoulders.  They already carry a lot of weight, so what is a few more pounds.  That is just the brakes.  That is the way the cookie crumbles.  I let the cards fall where they may for years, and I am finally folding this hand.  Maybe I will take up a labor profession.  Like carpentry, or painting...I will have to figure that when I get where I am going.  Not really what I wanted nor expected at this stage in my life.  But my criminal history, my bad attitude, my selfishness, etc. have put me here.  I am just going to try and make it as painless as possible for those around me, or to those I owe.  I will do what I can as soon as I can.  I am just going to lay down for a minute, to collect myself.  Give me some energy, allow me to move forward again.

I never thought I would give up on school, but this seems to be the only option I have...Well wish me luck, and I will see you all around. 

Kenny