Leaves have gathered all around Dec. 28th, 2008

Time I was on my way...

Zeppelin says it all. 

I will be leaving for L.A. on Jan. 13th.  Then after a day lay-over I will be on a flight to Hawaii to further my education and my future.  I have thought long and hard about the situation as it is today.  It was a tough decision for me.  Over the summer I was gung-ho about going to Hawaii for my M.A. in Communications.  Actually I was already there mentally by September, school had become boring and mundane.  I was writing the papers and doing the exams in my sleep.  By October I had become complacent.  I was hanging out with Theresa to relieve some of the pressure.  I had high hopes for us a few years ago, but October's festivities showed me she was not The One.  She is too young emotionally for me.  She is mentally on my level, but that was not enough.  She just wanted to party, drink, smoke, and do whatever and whenever she felt the need too.  I look back at what broke us up almost three years ago.  The story that was never told was she thought she was pregnant.  She had been pregnant twice before (not mine), so I just assumed she would know.  I bought some pregnancy tests, and before she did the procedures, we talked about the future.  The straw that broke the camel's back was her choice to have an abortion if she was pregnant.  I told her it was her choice, but I would never be able to forgive her for killing a piece of me.  I am pro-choice for everyone BUT me.  I choose life, and when she dropped that on me, we broke at that moment.  She turned out to not be pregnant, but sometimes I think she might have just told me that and had the abortion anyway.  Who knows!  The funny thing is she got pregnant within a year for the third time in her life.  It was NOT mine. 

I hadn't seen her in about a year and a half up until October of this year.  I couldn't and still cannot understand how she could want to have the babies of these fucked up guys she dates.  And not want my kid.  Her parents never liked me, but that is not a reason to chalk me off.  Anyway, in October I realized that Hawaii was the place I needed to go.  Theresa made me realize that I was chasing my past and not living in the present or looking towards the future for The One.  I just figured The One was not in Chicago, so I should leave this city yet again as I have so many times in the past, and so I waited for that acceptance letter.  The letter finally came about 3 weeks ago.  In the meantime something else happened to me...

I was out one night after one of my shows, and I blogged about it.  I met the most amazing woman I have ever known.  She is so strong, and yet so down to Earth.  She doesn't judge me, and doesn't expect anything from me.  This is the problem I had to face with Hawaii.  I was not planning on meeting Connie.  She came into my life at the most unexpected time.  The funny thing is for years people told me to quit searching for The One so hard and she would find me.  I didn't believe it, actually I have blogged many times on that exact theory/suggestion.  But Steph, you were right.  She did find me, or at least fate let her find me. 

I have been in a whirlwind the past few weeks.  I have found happiness like I have never known.  I actually am enjoying life, and I am taking part in someone elses life.  This is something I was always hesitant to do in all my past relationships.  I made it a point to keep a separate life.  Even though my girlfriend during those times never knew I did this.  I am not keeping a separate life with Connie.  I have opened up everything to her.  I didn't even do that with Beth.  I never introduced Beth to my father or my sisters.  Even though we were together for 4 years, she never met most of my family.  I kept her separate from certain things on purpose.  I didn't want to be judged by my family for her, because I didn't feel comfortable enough.  I figured my family would see the faults I had seen and just point them out to me.  I know my family would never do that today, or back then for that matter, but that is how I thought back then.  That is selfish, I know, but the point is, I have opened up everything to this wonderful woman.  And I have done it in such a short time. 

I had a hard time choosing to go Hawaii when I had such a wonderful woman here in Chicago.  The choice was very tough on me, and it still weighs on my mind out of fear of losing her or her just slipping away while I am away.  I will not be able to stop her if she chooses that over the next four months.  It would hurt me considerably, maybe the final break for my heart.  I am just going to not think about that happening though, because I think I have tapped into something so powerful that I cannot even put it into words.  I know a few of my friends and exes read these blogs, but you all know me rather well.  I finally have reached the point of knowing what I got BEFORE its gone.  Not after the fact, which I am so used too.

Anyway, this blog is not really very well written.  My brain is cloudy, and I am overwhelmed with this big trip ahead of me.  My life is finally exactly how it should be.  I am happy, laughing, smiling more, feeling good, not so angry, more relaxed, and definitely sleeping regularly again.  I know I will go out to Hawaii and complete the requirements for my M.A. without a hassle. 

I decided to write this blog because I haven't blogged much lately.  This blog was mainly based upon my life and what has happened recently.  Meeting Connie was unexpected, but it was exactly what I needed.  She has everything I have ever looked for in a woman.  There is not a fault I can find, although I tried to mention one on Christmas about Pre-K verbage, but it was just a defense mechanism.  I know everyone has faults, but I am blinded by them today.  I wish I could spend every minute with her.  I want her to be the last thing I see before I fall asleep, and the first thing I see when I awake.  I want to cook her breakfast, laugh and cry with her, live life and all that that entails, create new life, new memories, and of course I know I am crazy, but this is nothing new. 

Most of you know how hard I searched for this woman.  Actually it almost killed me at times, literally.  I was so engrossed in it a few years back.  I am sure some of you remember me passing out from not eating and not taking care of myself.  I had run the course and found myself hanging onto life by the knot someone else tied for me.  I had given up everything in search of her.  That was over five years ago.  And here I stand a new man, with a new future, that is bright, and full of love.  I look into her eyes I knew I was not wrong for all the searching and sacrifice.  I said it before, I was not wrong to make The Quest my life!  I was not wrong and I have proven that.  I feel so awesome today, and I don't even know how to explain it.  I mean, I have tried to put it into words, but they always get fumbled.

I started this out by talking about Theresa, she set me on my way by pulling her antics in October.  Some of the choices she made over those few weeks just blew me away, but it happened, and I am thankful for her promiscuity because it showed me she was not The One.  But she was the person who pushed me towards who SHE should be.  After the October events, I went back to CL in search of another woman.  I found Jen, and that took me to where I stand today.  Like I always say, I go where the wind blows me.  And that is exactly what happened, the wind was blowing, and I was just going with it.  Dave was there that last night in October, and he saw my mental drain.  Theresa's roommate was there too, and even she told me the situation was fucked up.  Thankfully I have heard from others that walking away was the only right thing to do...I know they didn't like Theresa's actions either, it was crazy, but riding home that night at 4 AM I had a lot of time to think.  I haven't talked to Theresa since that night.  I told her good luck and I hope she doesn't end up pregnant again from whoever that guy was she left with from the bar that night.  That was the last time I saw her. 

I have to thank her, she pissed me off, and made me change yet again.  This change was the biggest yet and that is how; in a roundabout way; Connie and I met.  In the chaos of the following weeks leading up to my birthday, we met, and I hope the rest is history.  She says it will only be a couple chapters in the Autobiography, I say it will be more than a couple of chapters.  Hell, I might have to write a separate book on Connie because I can see something beyond comprehension.  I have tapped into another plane/realm of existence and I am so happy today, I don't think anything/anyone can or will change that anytime soon!

Thanks for listening.  I don't think I will blog again between now and my departure.  I have some time to spend with my girlfriend.  That is more important to me than blogging.

Happy New Year!

Kenny