Love, lost and found, and many other reasons for a life lived yet unlived...May 23rd, 2009

I am in an art mood today.  This means it is time to blog.

I fell in love last year again, only to see it break AGAIN!  How do I continue to find the ones that are very unhealthy for me?  The life of an artist is one of sorrow and pain, and I fit the mold.  My actions are part of the problem, but I will not take all the weight of things that sour.  I am always confused by women, and yet so intrigued at the same time.  I think that next time I will get it right.  I will make things work by doing things differently from my end.  Not being the same selfish person that most people know me as being.  I did try this past time.  I put in so much fucking energy that I almost had none left for myself.  My brain has been spinning in circles for almost 3 months.  Well, today, that is no longer the case.  I have returned to myself that lives for myself.

Understanding everything at once is impossible. I cannot continue the life I have been living, changes have to be made.  I decided I am not going back to Hawai..i, although it would be a good thing if I did.  But I cannot do it, I am going for my M.A. and will be through with it by next spring.  This means that I will be teaching Comm courses at community colleges while I pursue my doctorate.  These are important things for me.  This is what I am doing.

I have a new job, well an old job to be exact.  I am selling radio again.  I put the most numbers on the board for Thursday.  It just shows that I still have it.  The top salesman for the whole office in one day.  Of course they out sold me for the week, but I feel good about being able to put numbers up.

I am becoming more and more pissed off by the second.  I went out for Dave's birthday last night at Rebel's and then Central's on Clark St.  That was a big fiasco, it seems Dave cannot seem to get the love thing right either.  He had a nice fight with his girlfriend at the 2nd place.  Sarah and her girlfriends immediately made an exit.  Dave, Will, Mark, myself, and Dave's Cousins (showed up later) hung out for quite a while.  Dave tried to talk business but was so shit-faced that I shut him down.  Will told me it has been the norm since I left.  Dave's car accident and life are making him into a drinking machine.  I will have to take him out of that cycle somehow in order to push forward with our company.

Will told me that Edie is getting married, and Dave pitched her for our company to do the wedding.  It sounds promising.  It will be our first project, and thus propelling us into profits and happiness; business wise that is...not personally since money is meaningless without someone to share it with!  I will keep posting stuff relating to the company in the future.

I start classes on Tues. so my schedule is going to be quite hectic.  Work, school, 88.9 FM on Sat. at 5 PM, and of course the new book.  Add the company and my life is pretty much set for the summer.  Maybe it is good that love is broken and will continue to be something I can only wish or pray for.  Karma is a mother fucker...

Fuck life and all its misery...I said FUCK LIFE AND ALL ITS MISERY!

Beth left 8 years ago as of June 3rd.  So next week will be the anniversary of her death and my love life is usually in the shitter around this time of year.  My wife and I called it quits around this time last year.  I have to still get that piece of my life closed.  I hope you are doing well Karen, how's Ab?  Is her school work up to par?  I will get in touch with you or Katie when it is time for the paperwork to be filed, probably in about 6 weeks I should have it in the Courts for finalizing.  I will keep you posted.

I scored three 'A's in Hawai..i and NEIU is going to transfer those credits into my M.A. program.  It seems I made a good choice by going to Hawai..i for academic purposes.  I would not have been graduating until Dec. 2010 but now it will be May 2010.  This was in part because I chose to go to Hawai..i.  I spent 20,000 dollars in Hawai..i.  I know this because my little brother and my grandfather have been keeping track.  And their accounting was not with smiles, but frowns.  I have been listening to everyone tell me how fucked up I am and how unimportant my academics are; and to all those people I say, GO FUCK YOURSELF...Unless you want to wear my shoes, then please refer to my last statement!

I am tired of living my life to make everyone think I am changing from my old ways.  It has been over 6 years since I laid down the needle.  6 years since I quit smoking weed, 6 years since I dropped acid, or ran a marathon on cocaine.  6 years and this time I have heard time and time again of how proud people are about that, but I say leave it alone.  That is not an accomplishment anymore, and what I am doing in the present, i.e. school, is the real accomplisment.  There are no drugs in my life and will never be in the future, but the changes that everyone has seen and the no drugs are no longer the tie that binds me to my family, associates, and friends.  Until everyone starts saying that they are proud of my accolades, then I say Fuck off!  I am tired of living in the past with everyone, tired!

The new radio show is going to be Damage Control, and a lot of these ramblings will be on the air every week.  I think my life and its stories need to be told in all media venues.  So tune in tonight at 5 PM if you can!  I will be telling the world of my most recent life experiences, and they are juicy...

Chicago Kenny is back, Kalifornia Dave went on vacation...He may never return.  I was feeling like I am feeling right now, back about 3 years ago.  Do any of you remember how I was then?  IF you do, then you will know you might want to stay out of my way because I am about to kick my life into high gear and back to running without sleep and pushing the limits of reality.  The Quest is alive and well.  I said I wasn't going to search anymore because I found HER, and told her that I wasn't going to search even if we broke, but you know what, I want some GOD DAMN HAPPINESS!  I want to be happy with a woman who understands me, respects me, and loves me.  I want to be loved and in return to love unconditionally.  I want to find a woman that uses me for support but at the same can hold me up when I stumble.  I want to be able to come home knowing that I am loved and I am a partner in a organization pursuing happiness as its end-all.  Is this too much to ask for?  I don't think it is.  I am looking for the accent to my Scorpio attitude and lifestyle.  The scorpion has been stinging a lot of people this year out of spite from things breaking bad, luckily there a lot of people immune to my stings.  I am moving forward and the Quest is alive and well.

Well, that is what I have for you guys/gals today.  I hope all is well in your lives.  I am now Diablo De Muerte!  Welcome to my palace of torture, sorrow, and pain, for it is all I know and thus want to share it with you!

Later
Kenny