Been Awhile May 28th, 2010

I should have written more since March, but life has been so exhausting that I have not had the time or energy to sit down on blog about life, my life, your life, life in general...

"You got to go through Hell before you get to Heaven"

April was a rotten month.  I was involved in a fist fight with my roommate Alex and his buddy Tiago.  Those two really got their ass handed to them.  It was out of control, and I don't really remember all of it, but it was a Battle Royale in my living room in Waikiki.  He moved out that night, or actually was thrown out by the cops.  He tried to file a battery charge against, but the cops were not believing his side of the story.  He stiffed me on half the rent and over $200 in utility bills for April.  That was what the fight was really about.  IF you choose to live under my roof, even as an equal not a dependent, then you pay your bills.  And you buy your own groceries.  People should never take my kindness for a weakness.  He never returned the keys and I had a feeling he handed them over to one of his idiot friends.  So I packed up my stuff and moved to my girlfriend's house.  I ended up living there until May 21st when I came home to Chicago.  She is back in Germany now, but it helped me to get to know her, and see her in a different light.

My divorce has been filed, not finalized yet, but at least the paperwork is done.  That was a fun time, a great story for my auto-biography, and hopefully I am able to write it before I die.  I will always love you Karen, and with that love I want you to seek and find the happiness that I was never able to provide.  Good luck.

On that note, I am not in good spirits lately.  After returning home from this absolutely horrible semester in Hawaii, I realize my patience is wearing thin.  I am out of energy, and for the next few weeks I think I am just going to lay around in my pajamas in my bed, watching paint peel listening to classic rock.  I don't know if I will be able to write my auto-biography, hell I am so close to finishing Simplicity: The Jack Henderson Story, but I am out of motivation and solace.  I lost my way somewhere between 2007 and 2008.  The only good thing to come out of the past 18 months in my eyes is Claudia.  She is an awesome woman, someone I am lucky to have in my corner, but as many of you know me, someone I perceive as being held back my childish and obnoxious way of life.  I am out of answers for the moment.  I need to do some soul searching.  I need to ask myself questions, and seek out the answers.  I fear if I don't I am as good as dead and soul-less.

My body is also falling apart, which doesn't help my perceptions or feelings.  My neck is really messed up, as it was last year at this time.  I went to the hospital last year to have it fixed, but I cannot afford it this year.  The left side of my neck went awry a few weeks ago, and today, the right side is now in the same state.  I am losing mobility with my neck, hopefully it gets better and not worse.  My lungs are failing, everything the doctors told me in 2000 about my lungs filling up with fluid is coming true.  I cough all day, spit up chunks of lung tissue and phlegm.  I guess I should send the Reaper my itinerary, since I might be taking a voyage to see him soon. 

Positives:  With every negative there should be a positive, I don't want any of my readers calling to have me committed.  I put up the website for Original Thought Media. 

originalthoughtmedia.com

We are working through the bugs this summer, and maybe that will pull me out from my negative state of mind, maybe???
Dave and I are meeting for lunch on Tuesday, and we will hash out the details.  I have to finish my Simplicity, but I cannot definitively say when.  I am still planning on going to Boston to apply for the next stage of school.  I was thinking Harvard, hey if you do something do it BIG!  Harvard Ph.D. degree would allow me to do whatever I want and get paid.  We all I know I do what I want, but this time I would be getting paid.

On another note I have a question, how does a person who steals watches (not a dope fiend) wear those watches in pictures on Facebook?  How is this possible?  Are you a fucking idiot?  My old roommate stole two of my watches when the cops threw him out, and then went back to Myrtle Beach, and has since been photographed wearing them.  Now, the people in Hawaii wanted me to file a letter stating this so they could get him fired in Myrtle Beach, and my cop sister wanted me to file a police report to have his ass arrested...hmmmm....I could say Karma is a bitch, or I could say maybe our paths will cross sometime in the future.  Maybe next week, maybe in 10 years, but some things have a tendency of working themselves out.  I am a man that never really relied on material things for happiness.  I relied on love and harmony, and got screwed there, I guess I should not rely on anything including myself.  Since I have even been known to fail myself at times.

As for right now, it is Memorial Day Weekend here in the U.S.  Tomorrow my Aunt Mary and her husband Mark are moving to Wisconsin.  My dad wanted me to go out there and say goodbye to them.  But I say fuck all.  Those were a couple of the family members that took a very hard stance against me during my heroin days.  Not that tough love wasn't called for at the time, but not the way they did it.  They filed charges against me and prosecuted me in court.  Family should never take other family members to court, it just aint right.  And the funny thing is, my aunt actually stole from my Dad when they were kids, and she hated me for doing the same thing.  Anyway, my Dad forgave me over the past 8 years for all the chaos in 90s.  But some of my family still had something to say about it, so my Dad even told them to even let it go, or fuck off.  Well, they said they let it go, but when I have seen them at family parties it is not the case.  There are others like that even on my mother's side of the family.  These people go through life judging, but when those judgments turn out wrong in the long term aspect, they don't know what to do.  So they keep judging you for the past, and in so doing remove themselves from current life.  I don't care, I am not concerned with people, family, etc. that need to justify their behaviors based on my behaviors.  That is sort of counter-productive.  I forgot to put my dishes away 10 years ago, so that means don't invite me over for dinner next week???  I hope you see my exaggeration as just a metaphor for the current situation.  So as for helping my aunt and uncle move tomorrow, ummmm...????  NO!  Fuck off!  If you don't move on, why should I? 

I am the one who the did the time for my past crimes.  I went down for long enough, spent enough time in rehab, therapy, lost a gf to suicide, numerous friends to overdoses and car crashes, etc.  I don't have time for 2nd rate family members that live in a closed world of past memories that rejuvenate their anger on a daily basis.  IT is like racism, just ignorance with the inability of moving forward.  Now I am at the point of just rambling, so maybe I should quit.  I probably wouldn't even understand some of this shit if I re-read it. 

Oh and one more point before I get off my soap box.   If you called me, emailed me, left a message on some networking site, etc. while I was in Hawaii to ask me when I was coming home, and now that I am home the same people are not returning my calls???  If you fit this category, Go Fuck Yourself!  Don't bother returning the call now assholes!  I am done with a lot of things, and one of my new projects is downsizing people from my memory banks.  I don't want you since you take up space, and that space is needed for my own selfishness...Just tired of the phone calls to ask when I am coming home, and then get home to find nobody around and nobody wants to return a phone call that I make to tell them I am home...I don't give a fuck how busy you are, I made these phone calls last weekend, and here it is a week now I have been home.  Have you called me?  Have you texted me to say you were busy?  Is life too much for you?  Then go get a gun and take yourself out, actually I don't care what you do, just don't bother me with the excuse of why you are acting this way when you get around to picking up the phone in the next couple of months...Maybe it is because I live in Hawaii and you only wish you could at least come visit...Oh well, suck it up, need a tissue?


Alright, there is my update, I am becoming more and more like Hunter S. Thompson every day that passes.  My literary style and my inner thoughts are becoming more violent and extravagant and I am not afraid to express them anymore.  Brutal honesty worked when I was sober, and guess what?  It works even better drunk!

Hope all is well with those I love, and you know who you are!

Later,
Kenny