I feel like a stone in the ocean Apr. 28th, 2008

Maybe no one will ever read this, and maybe I will open it up when I get to the end of this blog...But at the least the words will be written for someone to read sooner or later.  It may not happen until after I am dead, but sooner or later someone will read these thoughts of mine.
I have lost the fight for happiness.  I should embrace the darkness because my mind works in a weird way.  I just cannot seem to get my head straight.  I have no urge to become something great.  I will end up being great if that is what is in the cards for me.  I am destined for a road that is dark and dim, this road of life is hard to follow.  I could speak in riddles and prose all day but that will only confuse the situation.  I am a Scorpio male, first and foremost.  Some of you may not know what that means but I do, and that is all that matters.  I have been in my house for 3 days straight, and I am slowly losing my mind.
I have made a mistake in thinking that I could make things right in my life.  The mountain I began to climb years ago has grown higher beneath my feet.  I thought I was making headway but I am not.  I have lost the fight.  I am at the end of the rope.  Things will only stay semi-normal for the moment because I have a lot to do and cannot fix the things I need to fix.  One day in the future though, I will right it all and do what a Scorpio does best, light up the sky with an explosion that will disintegrate my entire life and start fresh again...Just Walk Away!!!!
If you know me well enough, then you know I am a man of extremes.  No luke warm water here, only hot and cold, and lately I am running on the icy temperature reading.  Is anybody listening?  There is no reply at all...(Genesis)
I have come to the realization that life is best lived without strings.  Best lived when there is nobody and nothing relying on you.  This allows you to push the limits of existence.  And pushing the limits is the only way that I feel alive.  Like I said a man of extremes.  I have fought against life for so many years, and now it has dealt me its worse blow.  The blow that has stunned me and the referee is giving me the KO countdown...I think I just heard the ref say 8...I guess I have 7 more seconds to get up...Will I get up?  It is comfortable down here on the mat in this ring that I fight in.  It is warm, I cannot hear the crowd screaming anymore to "get up."  Did you place a bet on me to win?  Maybe you should have hedged it...
I am the king of Razz, and Omaha, but those things are not available at the moment.  "We" hahahahaha, Fuck The We....
As I said, this message is cryptic, and it has a lot of sayings and words that pertain to some people, while other parts pertain to other people.  So this is where I stand, having to take care of a lot of things, but no time to do it today...Maybe tomorrow, maybe never, maybe I will just walk away...

Kenny