Setting things straight about blogs and other stuff... May 1st, 2008

Why do I blog?
Well let me say this is my therapy.  Yes THERAPY!  I blog because it gets my thoughts out of my head and puts them somewhere else.  Now, there have been some serious events that have unfolded and I must write THIS blog because it is my therapeutic solution.
I gather my thoughts in my head to the point that I fall of the edge of the world, and when that happens if I don't release the thoughts then I find myself in a really bad place.  Some who know me, know that is not a good place for me to go wandering around in without guidance.  I am a man with very few emotional attachments to reality.  I know this, I do NOT need to be told this.  I am an asshole, again this is not news.  However, I am honest and I reflect on my life day in and day out.  Those reflections sometimes put me in a bad spot with life in general, but it is healthy for me to do it.  Without reflection I would be making moves in the dark.  I have done that, and I have found myself in another predicament yet again.  Let me explain further since the end of the line has come and I have gathered my thoughts enough to write this blog.
I hesitated writing down my thoughts for a few weeks and they all blew up on me last week.  So I broke down and blogged, and I got some feedback and assistance from my friends about my thoughts.  This was a great help to me.  I was able to relax and figure out my next move.  Since this past week was finals I didn't want to rock my boat until everything was done.  I was already in a bad place mentally and to add more chaos to the situation didn't seem smart.  Well, the blogs I did write concerning my mental health ended up being read by my wife.  She read through the riddles and cryptic innuendoes I wrote, which is not a bad thing.  The conversation that ensued was going to happen to sooner or later.  Onto that point...
I guess I could go over the conversation but it is not in my head to make this situation out to be someone elses problem.  This is my problem and I will write the following as it concerns me and my thoughts.
I got married in February of this year.  At the time I thought it was the best thing for me to do.  The reasons behind this situation included but are not limited too the three psycho's I dated in 2007.  Yes, three!  Back to back to back...It killed me mentally, the Quest had been ended earlier in 2007, and I had nothing left to give to try and find The One.  So out of the blue I found Karen through MySpace.  We started talking immediately and at the same time I was having some serious issues with the 3 of the psychos.  So after talking to Karen, it made me feel like I was re-living a part of my life that I reflect on periodically and have reflected on in the past.  This part of my life was 1996-97 when i met Karen.  IT was a fantastic time in my life, and I made some choices back then that ended what we had.  I started dating Beth after Karen, and we all know what happened to Beth...Okay maybe you all don't know, but Beth was the girlfriend who killed herself. 
So, after Beth died and I straightened out my life I went to make my amends.  Some of those included Karen's parents and Karen.  I called her father, and wrote her mother a letter and enclosed a letter to Karen.  Karen never received the letter from her mother.  But anyway, I spent 2003,2004,2005,2006,2007 googling Karen's name, checking MySpace regularly, etc.  I never found her until the first week of this year.  So I thought that all searching meant something to me.  I thought because I had found her, and she was "available" that it was fate.  What I didn't take into account was that I needed reflection.  We didn't work out 10 years ago.  And now we were two totally different people.  Karen says she hasn't changed only I have, but I know we both have changed. 
It was a rough conversation last night, and the end result is divorce court.  She was pissed and has every right to hate me.  I look at the situation like this, I was dating a woman when I first started talking to Karen in January, by February 1st I was married to her.  I was impulsive, and it was a error in judgment.  IT was the right thing to do at the time, and I truly believed in the it, but reflecting on it, I was pissed that my love life was not working out and had not worked out for quite some time.  I am selfish, I am un-emotional, I am cold, I am just a fucked up individual.  Not to make excuses, but since Beth died, I don't care about life, in general.  My grandma died in January, and I didn't cry, no emotions.  I was cracking jokes at her wake.  It may make me look like a monster, but how do I make myself feel?  Mark and Trey died in February, and again I just played it off like it was bound to happen sooner or later because they were not giving up all those substances.
So I put logic into this situation I am in.  The reason this all started is because I had been thinking heavily on getting drunk.  I had been wandering in my head for too long.  The money situation is really tight, Karen was supposed to come up here in June, no money, no solution to fix that.  I didn't want her to come up here with Abbey and struggle like I do day in and day out.  I barely eat, I drink pounds of coffee and smoke a lot of cigarettes to appease my appetite for food.  I am a a starving artist.  I always have been.  I spend money like water, I live in the moment.  A man with a wife and a daughter should not live like that.  And that takes me into the final point of my reflections of the situation.
I love Karen, and I want to see the best for her.  I would like to help her get on her feet and do what makes her happy.  But I am not "in love" with her.  That time is long gone.  I thought it would come back with time, I thought because my emotions were out of whack that Karen's love would keep us together.  I thought her heart was big enough for both of us.  The bottom line is I know it is, but is it fair to make her believe that I am "in love" with her?  Five years from now, would she hurt worse than she will today?  I have loved only a few women in my life.  Karen was the closest person to my personality, but we have changed.  I am not that free-spirited hippie like guy I used to be.  I don't take part in group activities to better the world.  I only want to better my world.  I had thoughts of grandeur years ago, and those are gone.
So here I am contemplating how I am going to resolve this situation with the least amount of pain for her and I.  I don't see that resolution at this time.  I am only going to pray that My God looks out for me and her and makes this situation pan out with the least amount of pain, hurt, and anger.  Like I said, Karen has every right to be angry with me.  But everyone knows my honesty is blatant and hurtful at times.  The bottom line is I am the one who has to sleep with my brain at night.  I am the one who has to look at myself in the mirror.  One thing that Karen did say to me that I will repeat is that she thinks I will be alone for the rest of my life because of my thought process.  I have to agree with her.  I have been alone inside my head for so long, that I agree 100% with her.
I stand in a world that is foreign to me.  I stand here and look at the fault of two people coming together hoping for a brighter future.  I don't know if I was looking for her to save me or for me to save her, but either way we were both incapable of doing either.  Like I said, I do Love her, always will, but that type of love has changed.  It is that love that was felt a long time ago, and rents a space in my heart still, but that love will kill me before it makes Karen happy.  I do not want to die by my own hand, brain, or heart.  I do want to make the most of life while I have it, even if it is only for this 24 hours.
My sobriety is the most important thing I have, and I have worked hard to get to this point in my life.  My past is my past and from now on, it is going to stay there.  Today is a new day, a day in which I move forward into a bright new world and quit thinking everyone is out to keep me down.  Today I have changed my attitude and welcome what the world has to bring and offer.  I am going to tone down my anger, and bitterness.  I am going to try and be a better human being and quit getting myself into situations that harm others and myself.
My past has hurt me enough up until this point.  My thought process is quite different than it was 5 years ago, and I thank God and my friends.  Those friends start with a guy named Bill W.  I am here today because I chose to stand and fight for myself.  I think if I was to continue on the path I was on, I would be dead by year's end.  That is the truth, and that is what I believe, and if you think I am wrong then that is your prerogative.  But I cannot just lay down and let my brain kill me slowly.  I have already died enough inside, and I am tired of feeling that way.
I write this blog for myself.  If you made it this far, cool!  But it doesn't matter.  I have done my reflection, and chose my next move in Life.  It may be a bad thing or a good thing, but at this point in my life it is the right thing to do.  Why should I harm 3 people?  I mean I have harmed myself for years, and I am being a bigger person by removing myself from a situation in which I was going to make an innocent child and an beautiful innocent woman suffer.  I still view Karen as one of the best friends I have ever had, I saved all her letters she sent me 10 years ago.  I searched for her so I could find her and see if what my heart was telling me was true, but it wasn't the truth.  It was a painful memory of something I let go 10 years ago and tried to re-live.  I failed in that task. I wrote myself into a fictional story and thought it was going to have a happy ending.
I would love some feedback on this blog if you have read it.  I already know I am idiot, so there is no need to write that down, but these are my thoughts and views of my life at this moment in time.  I think I am doing the right thing, and that is all I have to say...

Later
Kenny